Men at Work: Through the Roof / Taking His Measure / Watching It Go Up. Cindi Myers

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      6

      “THE PROBLEM,” wailed Marina to Chloe by phone, “is not a small penis thing!”

      “Yes, it is,” insisted Chloe.

      “No, I’m telling you. Now he’s mad because I’m moving to a condo for him and he doesn’t want to bring me down. Can you believe this? I can’t win! What the hell does he want?”

      “He wants to be top banana. The big, swinging dick in the relationship.”

      “Chloe, can we please move away from the phallic imagery? I think you’re a little fixated.”

      “Nope. Because what we have here is truly a case of encephallus, my highly scientific term for screwed-in-the-head. Didn’t you say that when he was just a kid, Ben’s mother left his father for a richer man?”

      “Yes. But—”

      “So he probably has an unacknowledged fear that the same thing will happen to him. Especially since he’s just lost his whole business. He’s subliminally convinced that now you don’t respect him anymore and he has to leave you before you leave him.”

      “But that’s just stupid! I’m not going to leave him. I love him—God knows why.”

      “He’s in the process right now of forcing you to leave him because he’s left you so that you can’t leave him first.”

      “What? I’m so confused! That doesn’t make any sense at all, Chloe!”

      Her friend said cryptically, “No, but that’s penis logic for you.”

      They weren’t getting anywhere with this. “I think I need a nose job,” Marina told her. “Maybe he’ll come back if my nostrils are exactly the same diameter. I’ve noticed that the left one is slightly larger. By at least half a millimeter.”

      “Marina, stay away from the mirror. You do not need a nose job, you need a lobotomy! If you schedule any more unnecessary cosmetic procedures, I will never speak to you again.”

      “Fine,” Marina snapped. “Because I don’t understand your strange and tortured theories. anyway.”

      “They may be strange and tortured, but they’re true, babes. So let go of your nose and step away from the mirror. Go eat something fattening and call me when you’ve developed an actual butt instead of just skin stretched around your hip sockets.”

      There is nothing like a best friend to piss you off! Marina hung up scowling and remembered that once the bank transfers were done today she’d no longer have the money available to have a nose job, anyway. It would all belong to the foundation—except for one backup fund that was for emergencies only. Which reminded her…

      An hour later she was pulling up to the Reston Foundation administrative offices. She got out of the bottle-green mini Cooper she’d traded down to from the Porsche. It was adorable and she had no regrets at all—see, being poor could be great fun!

      “I need to see Liz Olmos, please,” she said to Lisa Ann, the foundation’s receptionist. “Right away. In my office.”

      She sat behind her desk and slipped off her shoes to run her feet over the mink footrest. Liz came in, looking a bit nervous. “Shut the door, please,” Marina instructed her.

      Liz gulped and shut it.

      “How are the photo sessions going? The Frameworks for the Future calendar shoots?”

      “Great!” Liz said. “Sam Delaney’s doing a fabulous job. I saw some of the contact sheets yesterday, and this thing is going to be a hit. The women will love it.”

      “You called Ben to remind him of his appointment?”

      Liz nodded. “He’ll be there.” She carefully masked her curiosity as to why Marina hadn’t called him herself. Their relationship was no secret.

      “Sit down, Liz.”

      “O-okay.”

      “How are Shelby and Jack?”

      Liz’s face lit up. “They’re doing beautifully. Shelby’s learning long division in school and Jack is playing peewee football….”

      Marina nodded and folded her hands in her lap. “I’m glad.” Then she gazed into Liz’s eyes, not surprised when her employee fidgeted and looked away. “Honey, is there something you need to tell me?”

      Liz’s face drained of all color. “Oh, God,” she whispered.

      Marina said nothing; just waited.

      “It was only going to be for a month, I swear. I couldn’t raise all of the tuition money for their school and…” Her voice broke. “Oh, God, Marina—I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry. Look, my CDs come due next Wednesday and I was going to take the interest and pay back the foundation. Please believe me, I only borrowed the money.” Tears began to roll down Liz’s clearly terrified face.

      Marina closed her eyes. Her instincts had been correct.

      “I swear to you, that I didn’t mean to steal it outright.”

      “Nobody ever does. It’s always just a loan at first.”

      “No, Marina—you don’t understand—I’m not like that! I just… with the mortgage and the car payment and insurance and groceries—And Wayne hasn’t sent the child-support checks for three months, now. I’m going to have to take him to court… The tuition bill came and I didn’t know what to do. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

      Marina looked at her earnest, horrified face. Liz certainly didn’t get three-hundred-dollar-a-month highlights and she looked as if she’d never in her life had a facial. She’d seen her touching up her own nail polish. Her clothes were barely ser viceable. All of her paychecks went to the support of her children, and she sent them to private school because they each had learning disabilities.

      “I’m sure that you want me to leave right away.” Liz rose to her feet, trembling and looking devastated. “Are you—are you going to call the police?”

      Marina slowly shook her head. How could she do that to Shelby and Jack? The father was a drunk and there was only one set of ailing grandparents who weren’t in any condition to look after them.

      “Sit down, Liz, and let’s talk.”

      Bewildered, the woman sat again.

      “I’m not going to pretend that I’m happy, but I do understand. From now on, I want you to submit the kids’ tuition bills to the foundation, okay?”

      “But—but—”

      “We’ll find a scholarship that applies. You do the paperwork.”

      Liz put her face into her hands and began to sob, her shoulders hunched and shaking. “Why are you b-being so nice to me? After what I did?”

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