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      She didn’t want it to bother her, but it did. Having a man around had become foreign to her. It felt too intimate, being so close, seeing him so … at ease.

      Funny, she had expected being back in America to be hard for him, but it seemed like she was the one struggling.

      “Okay, you got me.” He gave her a smile that made her almost want to look away, but she didn’t. The way his mouth curved, his eyes creasing gently at the corners, was exactly as she’d imagined he would look. Hoped he might look.

      Her stomach twisted, as if her organs had been flipped then dropped. She wasn’t meant to be thinking about him like that. Not now, not ever.

      “The sun’s shining, the ground is still wet from the rain last night and I’m desperate to be outside in the open. You’ve got no idea how good it feels—smells—outside here,” he said.

      Jessica beamed at him. She was still nervous, but the quiver in her belly felt as if it were less from worry than excitement. A day out with someone with whom she could just be herself was exactly what she needed.

      Besides, it would be easier being around him on neutral territory. Even if he was just a friend, she wasn’t ready to see a man in her house, on her sofa, like that. Not after Mark. Not after what she’d gone through this last year.

      It sent a shiver down her spine just thinking about the last twelve months.

      “Give me five minutes, I’ll get my handbag and we’ll go to the park.”

      “I’m guessing we have to take the mutt?” he teased.

      Jessica cringed as she heard paws racing on the timber floor in the kitchen. Hercules was like a missile, as if he’d known exactly what they’d been talking about.

      He sprung through the door and leapt onto Ryan’s lap, tongue frantically searching out his victim’s face.

      “Hercules! No!”

      Ryan grabbed him and held him at a safe distance.

      “Five minutes?” He raised an eyebrow, ignoring the wriggling dog.

      She nodded. “Sorry about him.”

      Ryan stood, eyeing Hercules. “I’ll start the clock now.”

      She turned sedately and walked toward her bedroom as slowly as she could manage. She wanted to run, to sprint to her room and grab her things and not miss a moment of being in his company.

      Ryan. His name was circling her mind over and over, like a record she couldn’t turn off. Ryan.

      He was everything she’d imagined he would be and more. When they’d first started writing, he was just a soldier. He was a man serving their country and she felt good giving support to him. But when they’d realized they had grown up within ten minutes of one another, something had started stirring within her. Then when he’d made noises of coming back home to California, to Thousand Oaks, she’d started wondering. That despite her insecurities, despite her worries about herself, she had a connection with this man. A man who understood her and wanted to meet her. But a man she only knew on paper, who wouldn’t feel pity for her or treat her like an almost-broken doll because of what she’d been through.

      And he was hardly a disappointment. In the flesh, he was even more commanding than he was on paper. Well over six feet and built like a man who could protect her on a dark stormy night in the meanest streets of Los Angeles. A man with dark cropped, slightly disheveled hair that begged to be touched, ice-blue eyes that seemed to pierce straight through her body. And beautiful lips that, despite all he’d seen and experienced, still hovered with the hint of a smile as he spoke.

      Jessica scolded herself. Smiling over mental pictures of him while she was alone was exactly what she didn’t need to be doing. Ever. Until she reached the five-year mark, until she knew she was in complete remission, men were strictly off her radar.

      Jessica stole a quick glance at herself in the mirror as she passed and fought the urge to cross her arms over her chest. She was still self-conscious, but it was getting better. After all they’d said to one another, all they’d shared, she hadn’t told Ryan. Couldn’t tell him. Not yet. It was still too fresh for her, too raw, to share with anyone.

      And she wanted him to just like her for herself. Treat her like she was normal and not a fragile baby bird in need of extra care.

      She picked up her purse, squirted an extra spray of perfume to her wrist and reached for a sweater. She didn’t know why, but today felt like a fresh opportunity, a new chance. She wasn’t going to let her insecurities ruin it. Not when she had a man like Ryan waiting to spend the day with her.

      Even if she was scared to death.

      She utterly refused to let her past ruin her future. Not now, not after all she’d been through.

      Today was about starting over.

       CHAPTER TWO

       Dear Jessica,

       I’ve become desensitized to what we have to see over here. I wait for my orders, I no longer cringe when an explosion echoes around me, and I automatically squeeze the trigger to take down the enemy. Does it make me a bad person that I no longer feel? I’m starting to think I like being here because it means I don’t have to face reality. I can pretend my wife didn’t die and that my son doesn’t hate me. But I’ll be coming home soon, after all this time, and I’m not going to have any more excuses.

       Thanks for listening, Jessica. You don’t know how much it means to me to be able to write to you, to be honest like this. I can’t talk to anyone else, but you’re always here for me. Ryan

      “SO HOW IS it you’ve managed to stay away for so long?”

      Ryan shrugged and turned his body toward Jessica as they walked. He made himself look away from Hercules racing up and down the riverbank so he could give Jessica his full attention.

      “I guess I became good at saying yes, and the army were pleased to have me wherever I was needed.”

      “What about this time?”

      Ryan chuckled. After so long being in the company of men, he wasn’t used to the way a woman could just fire questions. So candidly wanting to know everything at once.

      “What’s so funny?” she asked.

      Jessica was … what? Pouting? No, not pouting but she was definitely pursing her lips.

      “You’re very inquisitive, that’s all.”

      She gave him a nudge in the side and rolled her eyes. Ryan tried not to come to a complete standstill, forced his feet to keep moving. He wasn’t used to that, either. Someone touching him so casually, with such ease.

      He’d definitely been away too long.

      “I write to you for months, and you can’t tell me where you are or why you’re СКАЧАТЬ