Evening Stars. Сьюзен Мэллери

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      Chapter Four

      AVERIL HAD GROWN UP in the Pacific Northwest where the ocean temperature rarely climbed past sixty and that was in the summer. California wasn’t all that different. Right on the beach the water warmed up a little in July and August, but only a few hundred yards from shore, the ocean floor plunged and the water was chilly. She’d visited a friend in Florida over a summer break from college and had been shocked by the shallow, warm gulf lapping at the sand. Somehow it just seemed wrong.

      Now, as the wind picked up, she tightened the sail, then secured the line. The sun was high in the sky, the brilliant blue reflected in the endless ocean. Once they were on course again, she glanced at Kevin. His sunglasses hid his eyes, and if she couldn’t see them, she didn’t know what he was thinking.

      He’d been quiet lately. If it were anyone but him, she would say pensive.

      “Kevin,” she began. “Are you mad at me?”

      He turned to her, his sunglasses hiding the direct line of his vision. “No. Not mad.”

      “Then what?”

      “Disappointed.”

      The word was like a slap. She’d always been the object of desire in their relationship. The one who was chased and caught. She loved her husband and did her best to be good to him, but he was the one who came to her. Now she felt the foundation of her world shifting under her.

      “About the baby?” she asked, her voice small.

      “Some.”

      The wind whipped her hair around her face. She’d pulled it back in a braid, but a few strands had worked loose. She pushed them out of her eyes and stared at him.

      “Are you disappointed in me?”

      “Yes.”

      She felt the air rush out of her lungs—as if she’d been kicked in the gut. Panic seized her, making her want to say whatever was necessary for him to take the words back. She couldn’t stand for him to reject her.

      “I know you’re not happy,” he continued. “I wonder if I’m the reason.”

      Relief made it easier to breathe. This wasn’t her fault. Okay, she could deal. “You’re not,” she assured him. “I’m not sure what’s wrong.”

      “Do you still love me?”

      “Of course. Don’t be silly. We’re married.”

      “What does being married have to do with anything?”

      “I don’t know. It just does. We’re together.”

      He looked away, then, and the panic returned. This time joined by fear.

      “I don’t know what you want,” he admitted.

      “I don’t, either. It’s not about you, it’s about me being uncomfortable and...” She paused as the truth settled over her. A truth she’d been avoiding for a long time now.

      “I want to go home.”

      She said the words without thinking about how they would sound. How he would read them. His expression didn’t change, but his hand reached for the line, and seconds later the jib collapsed. He pulled in the large sail, keeping it from sinking into the ocean.

      “Kevin, no,” she said, grabbing his free arm. “Don’t do this. I didn’t mean right this second.”

      Because by “home” she’d meant Blackberry Island. They’d both understood that.

      He secured the sail, then turned to her. “It’s always been home. I’ve known that. You need to see Nina. What I don’t get is you two can’t be in the same house for more than a day without fighting. It happens whether she comes to see us or you go to see her. Yet, you can’t seem to make a decision without her. Why?”

      She didn’t have an answer. She wanted to tell him he was wrong, only he wasn’t. Nina was... She swallowed. He was right. Nina was the voice in her head.

      “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

      “It’s not about an apology. I’ve given you all I have, Averil. All I am. If it’s not enough, I’ve got nothing left. Maybe I’m not supposed to make you happy. Maybe you’re supposed to figure that out on your own.”

      She wanted to tell him she didn’t know how. Didn’t understand what being happy meant. Contentment was relatively easy, but happy? Who could say that?

      “I don’t want you mad at me,” she murmured.

      “I’m not. I’ve loved you from the first day I met you, but I can’t live in this half life any longer. I need you to be in this with me, or I need you to leave.”

      The fear returned, but she held on to it, enduring the sense of having her heart ripped into pieces.

      “Go see your sister,” he continued. “Figure out what you want. I’ll wait.”

      “For how long?”

      He removed his sunglasses then. She gazed into his eyes, seeing a combination of sadness and determination. “I don’t know. I’ll let you know when I’m done wanting you to come home.”

      Which was fair, but terrifying. What if she waited too long? What if...

      And with the questions came the realization that she’d already made up her mind. That whatever the price, she needed to go back home, to find answers. She felt as if everyone else had grown up and moved on, while she’d been stuck.

      “I’ll be back,” she promised. “Please, don’t give up on me.”

      * * *

      Nina confirmed the charts had been pulled for that day’s appointments while she waited for the coffee to fill her cup. She’d had a restless night, no doubt brought on by the phone call from her sister. Averil was coming home for a visit. By herself.

      Nina placed the files back on the shelf, then walked toward the break room. Kevin was such a great guy. She could only hope her sister wasn’t being an idiot over something inconsequential. Averil could be flighty—a characteristic she had inherited from their mother. Or maybe their father, who had walked away shortly after Averil had been born.

      At the time, Nina had been too young to know much more than he was gone. Later, she’d blamed her mother for driving him away. Now, as an adult, she wondered if he had somehow sensed that in her heart, Bonnie preferred to play for the other team. Not that the news excused him for abandoning his daughters.

      “Wow—where did all that come from?” she asked aloud. Obviously she’d been spending too much СКАЧАТЬ