The Wedding Date. Jennifer Joyce

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СКАЧАТЬ down in the gutter. I know people think it’s a travesty with the nation’s youth binge-drinking, but it never did me and your dad any harm.’ Mum’s face lights up with a beaming, I’m-reliving-my-past smile. ‘We had such fun, you know. Your dad was such a fabulous dancer. So sexy! All the girls were jealous that he married me, you know.’ Mum’s smile falters as she catches my eye and she’s brought back down to Earth, back to our kitchen and my failed love life. ‘That’s what I want for you, Delilah. I want you to be happy. That’s all I want for my children.’

      ‘And I am happy.’ Sort of. It’s difficult to be truly happy when the love of your life is engaged to another woman. ‘But I’m not ready to date anybody new yet.’

      ‘It didn’t go well with your new chap then?’

      Understatement alert! I simply shake my head. I’m not ready to confide in Mum just what a disaster my date with Dan – my first date since Ben – had turned out to be.

      ‘It looks like you’re staying in with me and your dad tonight then.’ Mum turns as the kettle clicks off and pours boiling water into the cups. ‘There’s a Bruce Willis film on so I thought we’d watch that.’

      Mum isn’t a huge fan of Bruce Willis but she does have a thing about pointing out how sexy bald celebrities are whenever Dad is present, to show that she isn’t at all bothered by his thinning hair. She recently went through a phase of making us watch ancient repeats of The Crystal Maze and practically salivated whenever Richard O’Brien was on screen.

      ‘I’d love to stay in and watch you perv on Bruce Willis, but unfortunately it’s a gym day. Lauren will be picking me up soon.’

      My busted knee is no longer a valid excuse to avoid the gym and it’s lost its powers on Denise too, unfortunately.

      ‘Is that a brew I can smell?’ Dad, home from work, plods into the kitchen, shrugging off his jacket and slinging it over the back of a chair. He wraps his arms around Mum’s waist and kisses her noisily on the cheek.

      ‘How was work, love?’ Mum adds milk to the drinks and places them on the table. Our family has always spent a lot of time either in the garden or in the kitchen. Mum and Dad don’t like to be cooped up and the kitchen offers the most light and a fantastic view of the garden through the French doors. When it starts to get a little bit warmer, the French doors will be flung open and the other rooms in the house will only be used when absolutely necessary.

      ‘It wasn’t bad.’ Dad sits down at the table, cradling his hands around his cup of coffee. ‘Some kid tried pocketing a stash of Snickers so I took him into the office and threatened to phone the police.’ Dad is the manager of one of the local supermarkets and seems to spend an inordinate amount of time dealing with sticky-fingered youths.

      ‘And did you phone the police?’ Mum opens the oven to check the food inside. The delicious aroma of shepherd’s pie fills the kitchen and my stomach rumbles. Why oh why did Lauren have to develop a crush on a guy at the gym? There is no way I’ll be able to eat Mum’s shepherd’s pie before a session.

      ‘Nah. The lad started blubbering and that’s enough for me.’ Dad blows on his coffee and takes a tentative sip. ‘And I told him, if you’re going to nick a chocolate bar, at least make it a Twix.’

      ‘Oh, Ray.’ Mum grabs a tea towel and whips Dad lightly with it. ‘You shouldn’t encourage them.’

      ‘I’m not, but if a job’s worth doing, it’s worth doing well.’

      I leave them to it, taking my cup of coffee upstairs to change into my gym kit.

      ‘Was it really that bad?’ Lauren asks as we stroll along side-by-side on the treadmills. This is the first time I’ve seen Lauren since The Worst Date Ever as I was too humiliated to relay what happened to my friends the next day and there was no way I was turning up to the pub quiz last night. Lauren and Ryan went without me and, for the first time ever, they didn’t come last. They came second-to-last, which isn’t anything to get mega excited about but it’s still an improvement. I’m not sure what to make of it. Does my presence bring down the intelligence of the group as a whole? Or was it a badly-timed fluke?

      ‘It really was that bad.’ I cringe just thinking about my date with Dan. ‘Worse, even. His friend soiled himself, for goodness’ sake!’

      ‘What were the band like? Any good? Because if they were anything like McBusted, a little poopy pantage is forgivable.’

      ‘Oh, Lauren.’ I sigh, long and heavy. ‘They were awful.’ The band consisted of drummer Dan, two keyboardists, Gary and Doodle (who shared the same keyboard and played it between them, sometimes seemingly at random), acoustic guitarist Mickey (whose guitar had a missing string), lead singer Leona and tambourinist, Tris. Munch didn’t seem to have a role other than leaping around and being a bell-end.

      ‘It was like at primary school, when the teacher hands out instruments and there’s just noise. I half expected them to burst into “The Wheels on the Bus”.’

      Lauren presses her lips together and I know she’s desperately holding in a giggle. I’m mad at her for half a second, annoyed that she finds my misery entertaining. But then I picture Munch performing a flying kick, making contact with the edge of a nearby table and falling flat on his back before being showered with some poor bugger’s pint and I find myself sniggering. I catch Lauren’s eye and that’s it, we’re pissing ourselves laughing on the treadmill, clutching the rail with one hand and our stomachs with the other.

      ‘So you won’t be going on a second date with Dan then?’

      ‘Absolutely not.’ The laughter drains away now. ‘What am I going to do? How am I going to face him at the pub?’ Some may say that finding a new local is a bit drastic, but I’m not convinced I’m one of those people.

      ‘How did the date end? Did Dan think it was a success?’

      I close my eyes but it makes me feel dizzy on the treadmill so I open them again. ‘He thought it went great. He wants to see me again.’

      ‘What did you say?’

      ‘I didn’t say anything. I pretended I had a phone call, said there was an emergency with my gran and ran.’

      ‘He probably knows you don’t want to see him again then.’ Lauren’s voice is matter-of-fact, absolutely sure with no wriggle room at all. ‘That’s the oldest trick in the book. You’re in the clear. The only thing you need to do now is find a replacement.’ Lauren suddenly yelps and batters the buttons on her treadmill, which quickly picks up speed. By the time fitness instructor Courtney wanders by, Lauren’s legs are pelting away, her ginger ponytail rhythmically swinging in time with her pumping arms. She stares straight ahead, her breathing controlled.

      ‘All clear,’ I say once Courtney is out of view. Lauren hits the emergency stop button and slumps against the machine, wheezing and panting and praying for death.

      ‘I need to sit down,’ Lauren rasps, so we step off the treadmill and make our way to the rowing machines. We move in rhythm, but there’s no effort involved at all.

      ‘So you need to find a new man to date.’ It’s ten minutes later and Lauren can finally converse without wheezing. ‘Anybody here who takes your fancy?’

      Of course there is. I wouldn’t endure this torture twice weekly if it wasn’t for the room СКАЧАТЬ