Confessions of a Driving Instructor. Timothy Lea

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СКАЧАТЬ horse’s tail and a number of tempting alternatives flash across my mind. I reject them and take the opportunity to close the distance between us.

      “Let me give you a hand,” I say gallantly, and I’m over the sill before she can say ‘Piss off.’

      “Oh, that’s kind of you,” she says breezily. “I’m afraid he’s seen better days.” She isn’t joking because most of the leather-work is hanging off and the screws that hold the horse to its frame all need tightening up. I make a few tut-tutting noises and send her off for the tools to do the job. The way her eyes flit lightly across my pectorals does not escape me. When she comes back I’m tapping in tacks and she asks me if I’ve got any children.

      “Don’t think so. What makes you ask?”

      “You seem to know how to mend toys.”

      “My sister and her husband used to live with us. The kid smashed everything it could get its hands on. I got plenty of practice. You know what kids are like. They enjoy taking things to pieces but they don’t want to put them together again.”

      She nods.

      “So you’re not married?”

      “No. I was thinking about it, but things didn’t work out. You must be, though. How many kids have you got.”

      “Two. They’re with their father at the moment. We’re separated.”

      “Oh, I am sorry.” In fact, I’m chuffed to NAAFI breaks because there is nothing more likely to put the mockers on a beautiful romance than the threat of a couple of kids bundling in on you at any moment.

      “Don’t be. I’m not.” She rubs her hands together lightly and pats her hair. “You’re a fabulous colour.”

      “It’s easy on this job.”

      “I envy you when it’s like this.”

      “Well, you haven’t got far to go yourself.”

      “I have to think of the neighbours. Would you like a beer? I think there’s some in the ’fridge.”

      Another sign of class. Mostly it’s a cup of tea with my customers. But whatever it is, any form of refreshment is a favourable omen. Many is the pot of cha I’ve known to go cold with only the two cups out of it.

      “That’s very kind of you.”

      A few moments later she’s back just as I’ve finished the rocking horse.

      “Oh, that’s much better. I’d hardly recognise him. The children will be pleased. I hope this is all right. It’s lager.”

      “Smashing! Cheers!”

      “Cheers!”

      I’m down on the floor so I lean back against my handiwork and rub the cool glass against my cheek. She is standing above me pulling at the horse’s bridle as if it is real. I can see up her skirt but not as far as I’d like to. I feel keyed up the way I do just before going out to play football. The sunlight is coming through the window in chunks so you can see thousands of particles of dust dancing in it.

      “You said you were nearly married once, didn’t you?”

      “Did I?”

      “Yes. You implied it, anyway. What went wrong? Forgive me asking, but it’s a subject I’m particularly interested in at the moment.”

      “I found the bird I fancied having it away with my brother-in-law.”

      “The one that lives at home with your sister?”

      “He used to. They’ve got a flat up by the common now.”

      “You didn’t like that? I mean, him sleeping with your girlfriend?”

      “Not very much. I mean, it doesn’t seem the best recommendation for your future wife, does it?”

      “I don’t know. At least you know where you stand with her.”

      “It’s who else is standing with her I’d be worried about.”

      “You’re the jealous type?”

      “You could put it like that.”

      “Jealousy is a very self-destructive emotion.”

      “Not with me, it isn’t. I’m the last person that gets destroyed.”

      “Surely the concept of sexual faithfulness is a bit out of date, isn’t it? Are you seriously going to tell me you will remain faithful to your wife when you do get married? The opportunities you must have in a job like this.”

      I try to look as if the thought had never occurred to me.

      “I reckon it’s difficult for me.”

      I know this remark is going to get her all worked up, but there is no point in putting off saying it. I’m all for complete sexual freedom for women in theory, but the moment some horny bastard gets near my bird a phial of sulphuric acid explodes in my stomach and little green bells start ringing as I look around for an axe. That’s the way I am and I can’t see myself changing.

      “Oh God! Even my far from successful marriage had progressed beyond that hoary old male chestnut.” Mrs. D.’s tone is as contemptuous as I had expected it to be. “Why should you have complete freedom to take sex just whenever you want it, whilst your little woman is supposed to sit at home and keep your supper warm?”

      I have now decided that the kittens look more like small, fretful tigers jostling each other to escape and get at me. I am prepared for this eventuality.

      “You mean to tell me,” I say seriously, borrowing one of J.C.’s successful argumentative devices, “that if your old man came in now and saw us—um, er—” (the indecision is intentional; I don’t want to sound too sure of myself) “making love, he wouldn’t mind?”

      “No, of course not. No more than if he found me enjoying a bit of quiche lorraine.” (I don’t understand what she’s on about, but I imagine it must be French for a muff job. Outspoken lady, isn’t she?) “It’s no more than an appetite and as such, it can be controlled.”

      “And if it was the other way round, you wouldn’t get annoyed?”

      “Good heavens, no.”

      “Then what went wrong with your marriage?”

      “I found out I didn’t love him any more. It had nothing to do with sex. I was seven years younger than him and I changed—he didn’t. Suddenly I found we had nothing in common.”

      I can sense that I have to get things moving pretty quickly, otherwise we’re going to end up having a natter that only needs Adam Faith and the Archbishop of Woolwich to get it on Sunday evening telly. I am still lying down and I want to bring her down to my level. It’s no good with her leaning against the bedroom door. I can’t just get up and grab her, because that is not my style. There is still some lager in my glass so I put it down beside me СКАЧАТЬ