Hostage to Murder. V. McDermid L.

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СКАЧАТЬ frowned. ‘Of course I don’t mind. Why would I mind, for God’s sake?’

      ‘Because you’ll be paying for it. You’d better go and answer the door. If we wait for me to stagger out there, it’ll be cold by the time we get to eat it.’ She pushed herself upright and began to limp towards the kitchen, using whatever furniture was available as a prop.

      By the time Sophie returned with a carrier bag full of Indian food, Lindsay had managed to put plates and cutlery on the kitchen table. Sophie dumped the takeaway on the table and headed for the fridge. ‘You want a beer?’

      ‘Please.’ Lindsay busied herself with unpacking the foil containers and tossing the lids into the empty bag. When Sophie returned with a couple of bottles of Sam Adams Boston Lager, Lindsay looked up. ‘I’m sorry. That was out of order.’

      Sophie sat down and helped herself to pilau rice. ‘Is that how you feel? That you’re living in my shadow?’ Her voice betrayed the anxiety Lindsay’s words had provoked.

      Lindsay worried at a piece of naan bread. ‘It’s not that. Not exactly. It’s more that I feel I’ve been drifting. No direction of my own. It’s like the teaching job in Santa Cruz. I’d never have moved into teaching journalism if I’d stayed in the UK, but we went to the US for your career, and I had to find something to do.’

      ‘But I thought you enjoyed it?’

      ‘I did. But that was pure luck. It wasn’t because I had a burning desire to teach. And if I’d hated it, I’d still have had to stick with it, because there was bugger all else I could do.’ Lindsay reached for the bottle and took a swig of beer. ‘And now, here we are, back in Scotland because of your career, and I’m still no nearer figuring out what I want to be when I grow up.’

      Sophie opened her mouth to say something but Lindsay silenced her with a raised finger. ‘Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that’s your fault. Nobody is more pleased than me that everything’s going so well for you. I know what it means to you and how hard you’ve worked for it. But it doesn’t make it any easier for me. And you being so keen for me to hitch my wagon to Rory’s star – that feels like you being desperate for me to take up any kind of stopgap that’ll keep me from going out of my head with boredom and frustration. I don’t want another stopgap, Soph, I want to feel passionate about something. The way you do.’

      Sophie looked down at her plate and nodded. ‘I understand that,’ she said. ‘But you used to feel passionate about journalism. When I first knew you, ages before we got together, you really cared about what you were doing. You really believed you could make a difference.’

      Lindsay gave a bark of ironic laughter. ‘Yeah, well, we all thought we could change the world back then. I soon got that knocked out of me.’

      They ate for a few minutes in silence. Then Sophie reached out and covered Lindsay’s hand with her own. ‘Why don’t you give it a try? It sounds as though Rory’s way of working is light years away from the daily grind that turned you into a cynic. It can’t hurt to put your toe in the water. Besides, when the gods drop such an amazing piece of serendipity in your lap, it seems to me it would be tempting fate to thumb your nose at it.’

      Lindsay tried to swallow her mouthful of bhuna lamb, but it seemed to have lodged in her throat. She’d never had sufficient defence against Sophie’s kindness. Her partner had never once complained about being the sole breadwinner since they’d returned from California, and Lindsay knew she genuinely harboured no resentment about it. All Sophie wanted was for Lindsay to feel as happy and as fulfilled in whatever she chose to do as she was herself. She hadn’t applied any pressure, simply offered encouragement. The least Lindsay could do was kick her pride into touch and take a chance on Rory McLaren. ‘You’re right,’ she said. ‘Heaven knows, I can’t afford to fly in the face of serendipity. And besides, I’ve got nothing to lose, have I?’

       3

      Lindsay squirmed around in bed, trying to get comfortable. The weight of the duvet made her ankle ache, distracting her from the Denise Mina novel she was trying to read. ‘Can you bring me a couple of ibuprofen when you come through?’ she called to Sophie, who seemed to be taking forever in the bathroom.

      When she finally emerged and slipped into bed beside Lindsay, Sophie seemed unusually quiet. Lindsay swallowed the pills and put her book down. ‘Is something bothering you?’ she said. ‘You’ve hardly said a word since dinner. Are you having second thoughts about me working with Rory?’

      Sophie looked surprised. ‘No, not at all. Why should I?’

      ‘No reason. But I couldn’t think why else you’d gone so quiet.’

      Sophie sighed. ‘There’s something we need to talk about. I was going to bring it up earlier, but we were talking about your future and it just didn’t seem like the right moment.’

      Lindsay eased herself on to her side and put an arm round Sophie’s waist. ‘That sounds ominous. I’ll never sleep now, you know. You’d better tell me what’s on your mind.’

      Sophie lay back and stared at the ceiling, one hand on Lindsay’s encircling arm. ‘It’s the baby thing.’

      Lindsay felt a pit opening in her stomach. Sophie’s desire for a child had been an intermittent bone of contention between them for the past couple of years. Whenever Sophie had tried to discuss it, Lindsay had either stonewalled or blanked it. She might not have much of a life plan, but she knew for certain that parenthood wasn’t part of it. So she’d worked on the principle that, if she ignored it, Sophie would eventually get the message and it would all go away. And inevitably, the attrition of time would render it academic. But since they’d come back to Scotland the subject had surfaced more regularly. Every few days, Sophie had raised the topic and Lindsay had tried to sidestep it. ‘You know how I feel about that,’ she said.

      ‘Yes. I know how you feel about that. But I don’t think you have the faintest idea how I feel about it. Lindsay, it’s all I think about,’ Sophie said, anguish unmistakable in her voice. ‘Everywhere I go, all I seem to see are pregnant women and women pushing babies in prams. I’m so envious it makes me feel violent. I can’t even get away from it at work, because it’s what I deal with all day, every day.’ Sophie blinked hard, and Lindsay couldn’t avoid seeing the sparkle of tears in her eyes. ‘Lindsay, I’m desperate. I’m nearly forty. Time’s running out for me. Already, the chances are that I’m not going to be able to conceive without some sort of clinical intervention. And there isn’t a fertility clinic in the whole of Scotland that will treat lesbian couples. Not even privately. If I’m going to have any possibility of a baby, I need to start doing something about it now.’

      ‘Look, you’re broody, that’s all. It’ll pass. It always has before,’ Lindsay said wretchedly.

      ‘No. You’re wrong. It never passed. Sure, I stopped talking about it, but that was only because you were so negative about the whole thing, it felt like pushing a boulder uphill. Just because I stopped talking about it doesn’t mean it wasn’t always there, constantly nagging away at me. If I don’t have a child, there’s going to be a hole in my life that nothing else will fill.’

      Lindsay drew her arm away and rolled on to her back. ‘You’re saying I’m not enough for you. That what we have isn’t good enough.’

      Sophie shuffled on to her side and reached for СКАЧАТЬ