The Secrets Between Sisters. Annie Lyons

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       Dear Lizzie Lou,

       I’m guessing that as you’re reading this you’ve decided to carry out my wishes and I’m glad. I want you to think of me holding your hand every step of the way with these letters. I know you trust me and I hope you know that I want what’s best for you.

       My first wish is a selfish one. As you know, I’ve always faced life full on but it’s different when you’re facing death. Sometimes I feel oddly calm about it. We’re all going to die anyway. I’m just going a bit sooner than I planned. At other times I experience blind panic and heartbreak at all the things I’m going to miss. The thought that you might get married and have children that I’ll never see; the idea of dear, brave Joe having to carry on alone, and most of all the fact that my beautiful, wonderful, funny boy Sam will grow up without me. I know that he will grow into a fine young man and it feels as if my heart is breaking into a million pieces as I realise that I won’t be there to see it. I know you understand love and loss, Lizzie, but this feels like the ultimate cruelty of life. Sometimes I wonder what the point is of loving so much when it will just be ripped away from you.

       So really these letters are also a way of helping me through the panic; a way of reassuring myself that someone will make sure that the people I love most are cared for now that I’m gone.

       Therefore my first wish is for you to spend a day with Sam and Joe. Just one day to start with. I want you to get to know them both properly. I know you met Joe when we were first together and I know my moving in with him caused you to run away again but I think you could be friends. He is a kind, sweet man and a wonderful Dad. As for my Sammy; he is my proudest achievement. Yeah, yeah, all Mums say that right? But I think as we go on this journey together you will realise how true that is.

       I know this is a big ask, Lizzie, and I can imagine the dread you’re feeling as you read these words. You’ve endured more hurt than most people feel in a lifetime and I know you feel let down by so many people who should have been there for you but Sam and Joe were never really part of that time. I think you will grow to love each other as much I love you all.

       Time to stop writing as I’m blubbing like a big girl now. Dying is so tediously full of tearful moments when really you should be concentrating on living while you still have time. Remember that.

       Love you,

      Bea x

      Lizzie brushed away her own tears and put the letter down on the bedspread. She rubbed her eyes and considered what her sister was asking her. It sounded like the easiest thing in the world in lots of ways. Just one day with Joe and Sam; how difficult could that be?

      It was true about Joe. In the early days when he and Bea had got together, her eighteen-year-old self had felt jealous and squeezed out. When Joe and Bea had moved into their first flat, Bea had offered her a place to stay but it soon became clear that it wouldn’t work. She could remember nights sleeping on the sofa-bed, stuffing a pillow over her head to blot out the sound of the love-birds having noisy sex. She had left a month later having found a job at a pub, where the landlord was happy to let a room to her for a very agreeable rate. The problem was that he seemed to think it gave him certain other rights, and she often slept with a chair against the door. It was following the unfortunate occasion when the landlord’s wife caught him trying to grope her whilst she was changing a barrel in the cellar that she lost her job. The woman seemed to think that it was Lizzie’s fault.

      As Lizzie stood outside the pub sifting through her change wondering whether to call Bea on a payphone, one of the regulars approached her and asked if she was okay. When she explained what had happened, he told her that his brother was opening a restaurant in North London and might be able to sort out digs too. Lizzie considered the offer. She didn’t want to go back to Bea and she thought her sister would be impressed if she sorted things out herself so she accepted.

      It was the beginning of a cycle of similar jobs and digs and untrustworthy people and every time, Lizzie had thought: this might be the one, these people are kind and will help me. However, she learned pretty quickly that everyone was just out for themselves. It was better to keep yourself to yourself and trust no one. Bea was always there of course but Lizzie didn’t want to run to her for help all the time. It was only when she found Mrs Nussbaum and the bookshop that she started to feel safe. She still kept herself to herself though with Bea at the end of the phone as her friend and counsel.

      So the thought of opening up to other people, to people with links to her past, was a confusing one. She had to admit that there was something about Sam that she liked when she met him at the funeral. It might have been his startling resemblance to Bea or the way he seemed to mirror her spirit. But the main reason why she found herself reaching for her phone to dial Bea’s home number was because Sam, Joe and she all shared the same grief and pain at the fact that Bea was gone. She had thought that she could cope with this pain on her own as she had coped with so much before, but then she’d always had Bea. Now, she was starting to wonder if she actually needed someone to talk to.

      As she found the number and dialled, her mind raced. They would have to meet away from the shop, somewhere neutral in central London. She wasn’t ready to let people into her world just yet. The phone rang a number of times before a sleepy voice answered.

      ‘’llo?’

      ‘Joe?’

      ‘Nnnng?’

      ‘It’s Lizzie. How are you?’ It was at that moment that Lizzie glanced at the clock. It was only 6.30. ‘Oh Joe, I’m sorry. You were asleep weren’t you?’

      ‘Well yes but it’s all right. How are you?’ he asked without a hint of irritation.

      ‘I’m fine,’ lied Lizzie. ‘How about you?’

      ‘Fine,’ lied Joe.

      There was a short pause which threatened to lengthen towards awkwardness. Lizzie took a deep breath. ‘So, I wondered if you and Sam fancied meeting up some time?’ she asked casually as if this were an everyday occurrence.

      ‘Oh. Really?’ said Joe sounding surprised. Lizzie realised that she didn’t have a good reason for phoning out of the blue but she had deliberately decided not to mention the letters. They were her letters from Bea and she wasn’t ready to share them. ‘Well that would be great. If you’re sure?’

      Lizzie hesitated. This could be the moment when she just gave up on it all, when she made an excuse, hung up and went back to her life, such as it was. She glanced at the letter again and Bea’s heartfelt words. She had no choice. ‘Of course. I think it would be really good for all of us. I’m free this Sunday if you are?’

      ‘We are actually. Shall we come to you or would you like to come here?’ asked Joe.

      Lizzie felt panic rise in her chest and did her best to keep her voice calm. ‘Actually, I was thinking that Sam might like a day-trip somewhere in London? To the zoo or the aquarium perhaps?’

      ‘Okay. Great idea. Why don’t I ask him and I’ll text you to confirm later?’

      ‘Great, that sounds really great,’ said Lizzie aware that she was starting to sound a little crazy. ‘I’ll see you then,’ she added. ‘I should go. Sorry for waking you.’

      ‘No СКАЧАТЬ