‘Stop in the name of pants!’. Louise Rennison

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      I could wear my bikini. My red one with the dots on it. They tend to wear red bikinis all the time the Italian girls, probably even if they work in banks and cafes and so on. Maybe not for nursing though; it might not be hygienic. My mum said that when she had an Italian boyfriend she was on the beach and this bloke rode up on a motorbike. And this girl who just had on the bottoms of a bikini and some really high heels came jogging up. She got on the back of the bike, lit a fag and they roared off with her nunga-nungas flying.

      Back in the kitchen

      9:45 a.m.

      Why won’t Mum go out? I have my bikini on underneath my ordinary clothes ready to rip off when the phone rings.

      Five minutes later

      She is just rambling on and on about herself. I already know more than I want to know about her.

      9:55 a.m.

      Oh nooooooo. Now she is talking about “feelings” and “relationships” and what is worse is, it’s not even my feelings or relationships, it’s hers!!! How horrific.

      She says she feels that she doesn’t share many interests with Dad.

      I said, “Well, who does?”

      She didn’t even hear me, she just went on and on. “I think when I met him I was a different person and now I’ve changed.”

      10:10 a.m.

      The Luuurve God is going to phone any minute and she will still be here.

      Mum said, “I don’t blame him, but people do change and want different things.”

      I said quickly, “Yeah, yeah, you’re so right. I think you need a change – a change of, er, scenery. You need to go out into the sunshine and meet your mates and ask them what they feel. Maybe go for a slap-up meal. You’ve only had a pound or two of jam today, you’ll be peckish. Go for a pizza and maybe have some vino tinto

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