Casper Candlewacks in Death by Pigeon!. Ivan Brett

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      “Come on, Cuddles. Eat this spoonful for Daddy…” pleaded Julius, prodding a plastic spoon towards the baby. Cuddles grabbed the spoon and flung it back at Julius, cackling with delight.

      Casper surveyed the revolting mess that was the kitchen. There was baby food on the floor and quite a bit on the ceiling too. There was a massive pile of dirty pots and pans in the sink, sporting all different sorts of mould and grease, from putrid purple patches to stinking sepia slimy bits. Two smashed plates had been left on the floor next to the leftover cabbage, which a troop of hungry ants had recently invaded. They were now celebrating their victory by having a tiny ant-party with even tinier bottles of champagne and minuscule party hats.

      “House needs a clean,” said Casper.

      A pile of newspapers on the corner of the table began to ring. Julius looked at them and frowned. They rang again. Julius blinked. “Why are they…?”

      “It’s the phone, Dad. Under the papers.”

      Casper’s bedraggled father clicked his teeth and lifted the pile carelessly, strewing hundreds of issues of the Daily Kobb all over the kitchen floor, one particularly bulky sports section landing right on the cabbage, causing an early and tragic end to the ant-party. Not a moment too soon, Julius found the phone and answered it, while Cuddles stretched to grab the receiver with its chubby little arms.

      “Hello, Candlewacks residence. Yes, speaking. It’s who? Ooh…” Julius looked up, caught Casper’s eye and tried frantically to mime something. He waved his arm around a bit and then put his finger on his top lip like a moustache and looked at Casper encouragingly.

      “What?” said Casper. He thought his dad might have been trying to say something about cricket.

      Julius mimed a sort of ‘forget it’ gesture and continued. “How may I help you, Mr Tiramisu, sir?”

      Casper’s jaw dropped.

      “You’d like to… well, of course! I’d be honoured. Will you excuse me for just one second, Mr Tiramisu, I just need to attend to a… cooking thing.” Julius snatched a dummy and jammed it into a wailing Cuddles’s mouth, but it chomped it in half and started smacking the pieces on its tray.

      Casper looked over to his dad in disbelief. “Did you say Tiramisu?”

      “It’s him!” Julius whispered to Casper. “He wants to eat at The Boiled Sprout!” He grinned manically and shook his fist like footballers do when they score goals, or like chefs do when famous Italian magicians want to eat at their restaurant.

      “That’s great!” Casper lied. It wasn’t great, it was terrifying. Who knows what The Great Tiramisu would demand, but whatever it was, Julius wouldn’t be able to do it. And then what would happen…?

      Julius whispered again, “Get me a pen and paper, quick!”

      Cuddles launched again for the phone, but completely missed and almost toppled its high chair. It let out a frustrated screech and then distracted itself by gnawing on a mouthful of its own fingers.

      Returning to the phone call, Julius said, “Sorry, Mr Tiramisu, I had to put the finishing touches to a dish. A scream? No, I don’t think… oh yes, one of my sous-chefs. Child? Well, I like to hire them when they’re young. So, ahem, is there anything you’d like to eat in particular?” Just in time, Casper handed his dad the pad of paper and he scrawled frantically,

       TiramisuTomorrow, after show Finest Food IMPORTANT: NO CORIANDER

      … and then Cuddles got its greedy little hand to the phone, grabbed it, threw it at the wall and it smashed into hundreds of little phoney pieces.

      Chapter 3.5

      All the Facts That Exist About Coriander.

       Coriander was first discovered in 1834 by Sir Digmund Coriander-Discoverer, when he was looking in his garden for a little something to add flavour to his carrot soup. He tried adding grass, but it tasted too lawny; so next he tried some bark, but it tasted too tree-ey. Then he noticed, nestling amongst the lupins, a mysterious aromatic herb. He put some in his soup and the rest, as they say, is cookery.

       Here are some fun facts about coriander that you may or may not know:

      In some countries, coriander is used for medicinal purposes, such as in Burma, where it is the accepted treatment for a cracked rib.

      A particularly leafy sprig of coriander won the 1997 Oscar for ‘Best Herb in a Supporting Role’ in the film Coriander and Me.

      The small English village of Upper Crustenbury, in the picturesque Kobb Valley, is famous for its bountiful coriander crops; so much so that its residents hold an annual coriander festival to celebrate their favourite herb.

      The word ‘coriander’ comes from the Romanian, Quarie ain derr, which, due to a small translation error, literally means ‘A small, sticky badger with a pair of shorts on its head’.

      Famous Italian magician ‘The Great Tiramisu’ is violently allergic to coriander. If he eats even the smallest amount, his face inflates and turns green and he breaks out in big oozing yellow pustules. Because of this, he telephones ahead of his visit to any restaurant to ask specifically that no coriander be added to his food.

       These are all the facts that exist about coriander. If anyone tells you any more coriander facts, they are lying and should be pelted with rotten quinces. If you don’t have any quinces to hand, a handful of chopped apricots will do fine.

      Chapter 4

      What Casper Saw