The Reluctant Vampire. Eric Morecambe

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СКАЧАТЬ It was only a blue glass marble that had been in a Christmas cracker which he’d stolen and pulled. He pulled it alone as no-one wanted to share a cracker, let alone Christmas, with him and, of course, he was fascinated when the eye (as he thought) dropped out. As far as Igon was concerned, it was Heaven’s work.

      By now the half-crazed Doctor had grabbed Igon and was shaking him with a fierceness and strength that reminded Igon of his dear old mum. Poor Igon, no matter what he did, it always seemed to be wrong.

      ‘No-one likes me,’ he thought, as the good Doctor bashed his head against the iron door and slightly dented it – not the door, his head. ‘The only person speaks kindly to me and likes me at all is Valentine.’

      The knocking of Igon’s head on the door was heard in the Vampires’ rooms five minutes’ walk away. A Got servant was sent hurrying to answer the door before it was knocked down.

      The servant opened the door to a strange scene. There stood two grown men and the taller one seemed to be using the smaller one as a door knocker. The servant had only started to work at the castle that week and had come to the conclusion that the things that went on around the castle were, to say the least, a little strange.

      Only on his second day he saw something that would live with him for ever; maybe even longer. He had seen in the castle grounds a ‘Cowraffe’. He later found out that a Cowraffe was a cow that had been crossed with a giraffe so that you could milk it from a standing position.

      The Doctor looked at the servant, and gave him a slightly embarrassed grin. ‘I’m Doctor Plump.’

      The servant said, ‘Oh, I know you. You’re the doctor that looked after my old uncle when he was terribly ill.’

      ‘Oh, did I really? Yes, well … er, how is he now?’ asked the Doctor proudly.

      ‘Dead.’

      ‘Dead?’ said the Doctor, a little less proudly.

      ‘Yes.’

      ‘How long?’

      ‘Five foot ten.’

      ‘I mean how long has he been dead?’ The Doctor was getting to the knuckle-cracking stage again. He went on. ‘What did he die of?’

      ‘Too much weight.’

      ‘Over-indulgence?’ the Doctor asked.

      ‘No, over in Germany,’ came the reply. ‘Won’t you come in?’

      ‘Thank you,’ the Doctor said, glad to change the subject.

      ‘I suppose you are expected?’

      ‘Yes I am,’ the skinny Doctor smiled; well, almost smiled.

      ‘What about … er … that?’ The servant pointed to Igon.

      The Doctor looked down at what he had just used as a door knocker and kicked him hard on the rump. ‘If I had my way I’d feed him to the wolves.’ And with that he walked past the servant.

      The servant bent down and looked Igon straight in the eye.

      ‘Clear off you terrible-looking thing.’

      ‘I want to come in. I want to see Valentine,’ Igon said.

      ‘I’m not at all sure that you are allowed in here.’

      ‘Of course I’m allowed in. Why, I’m almost one of the family,’ the moving bundle of rags said. He then pushed his way past the servant and ran after the fast retreating Doctor.

      The three of them ran along the corridors of the castle towards the Vampires’ rooms. They came to a halt outside a door with the letters VIP on it.

      ‘This is it,’ cried Igon. ‘This is the room. Yes. See VIP. It means Vampire In Pain.’

      ‘Are you sure?’ asked the Doctor.

      ‘Of course I’m sure.’ Igon jumped up and down with excitement and the thought that today he would see Valentine who liked him and never called him ugly or kicked him.

      The Doctor turned to the servant and asked him if it was the correct room.

      ‘I don’t really know. I’ve only worked here for a week and I’ve never seen Mr Valentine.’

      ‘Prince Valentine,’ Igon corrected.

      ‘Prince, if you like. But either way I don’t know where he is. But he could be in here because VIP means Very Important Person and Mr … sorry … Prince Valentine is just that.’

      The Doctor nodded his head wisely.

      Igon opened the door and walked slowly into the room, followed by the not-too-sure Doctor and the servant.

      The room was bereft of all furniture except for a thick, long wooden table on which rested a coffin with the lid open. From inside the coffin they heard a cough.

      Igon whispered, ‘There’s someone coughing in the coffin.’

      The servant kicked Igon, thinking that it was his turn to kick him. The three of them walked tentatively over to the coffin and looked inside; well, the Doctor and the servant did. Poor Igon couldn’t reach. So he started to climb up the side of Doctor Plump like a mountain climber making his way up the Matterhorn.

      When he saw inside the coffin he was very sad for there was Valentine and it seemed pretty obvious that he was a very sick Vampire.

      In the Doctor’s mind there was no doubt that Valentine had the vapours. As everyone knows, a Vampire with the vapours is almost as bad as Frankenstein’s monster with a screw loose; his head falls off.

      Now, when a Vampire has the vapours his head doesn’t fall off but his teeth drop out. Can you imagine a Vampire without any teeth? He can’t bite you. The worst thing he can do is give a good suck.

      Igon looked at the Doctor with fear in his eye. The Doctor looked worried while the servant looked forward to leaving. Suddenly the window crashed open and through it came Valentine’s father, King Victor the First, Emperor of all Vampires.

      He was over six feet tall and was dressed in full Vampire regalia – a most beautiful hand-made evening dress suit, white tie (of course) with an elegant deep, red-lined cloak. All his clothes were obviously made to measure. His hair over his forehead came to a perfect point just above the bridge of his long, thin, aristocratic nose that flared as he breathed.

      Here was the perfect Vampire, the epitome of what everyone thought a Vampire should be. The one that all other Vampires since modelled themselves on. He stood there, an erect, handsome man, as pale as death itself.

      ‘Gutt evenink,’ he hissed. The bat on his shoulder settled down to sleep. The three men stood to attention, well, two of them did. Igon did his best.

      ‘Did my Vamp have a nice evening out?’ Igon asked, much to the surprise of both the Doctor and the servant.

      ‘Yes, СКАЧАТЬ