The World of David Walliams 4 Book Collection. David Walliams

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       3 Under the Mattress

      “What the hell is this?” said Dad. His eyes were popping out, he was so angry.

      “It’s a magazine,” replied Dennis.

      “I can see it’s a magazine.”

      Dennis wondered why his dad was asking, if he already knew what it was, but he kept that thought to himself.

      “It’s Vogue magazine, Dad.”

      “I can see it’s Vogue magazine.”

      Dennis fell silent. He had bought the magazine from the newsagent’s a few days before. Dennis liked the picture on the cover. It was of a very pretty girl in an even prettier yellow dress with what looked like roses sewn on the front, and it really reminded him of the dress his mum was wearing in the photograph he’d kept. He just had to buy it, even though the magazine was £3.80, and he only got £5 a week pocket money.

      ONLY 17 SCHOOLCHILDREN ALLOWED IN AT ONE TIME read the sign in the newsagent’s shop window. The shop was run by a very jolly man called Raj, who laughed even when nothing funny was happening. He laughed when he said your name as you walked through the door—and that was just what he did when Dennis went into the shop.

      “Dennis! Ha ha!”

      Seeing Raj laugh it was impossible not to laugh too. Dennis visited Raj’s shop most days on his way to or from school, sometimes just to chat to Raj, and after he picked up the copy of Vogue he felt a twinge of embarrassment. He knew it was usually women who bought it, so he also picked up a copy of Shoot on the way to the counter, hoping to hide the Vogue underneath it. But after ringing up the Shoot magazine on the till, Raj paused.

      He looked at the Vogue magazine, then at Dennis.

      Dennis gulped.

      “Are you sure you want this, Dennis?” asked Raj. “Vogue is mainly read by ladies, and your drama teacher Mr Howerd.”

      “Umm…” Dennis hesitated. “It’s a present for a friend, Raj. It’s her birthday.”

      “Oh, I see! Maybe you’d like some wrapping paper to go with it?”

      “Um, OK.” Dennis smiled. Raj was a wonderful businessman and very skilled at getting you to buy things you didn’t really want.

      “All the wrapping paper is over there by the greetings cards.”

      Dennis reluctantly wandered over.

      “Oh!” said Raj, excited. “Maybe you need a card to go with it too! Let me help.”

      Raj bounded out from behind the counter and began to proudly show Dennis his range of cards. “These are very popular with the ladies. Flowers. Ladies love flowers.” He pointed out another. “Kittens! Look at these lovely kittens. And PUPPIES!” Raj was really excited now. “Look at those lovely puppies! They’re so beautiful, Dennis, that they make me want to cry.”

      “Er…” said Dennis, looking at the card with puppies on it, trying to understand why it might make someone shed actual tears.