The World of David Walliams: 7 Book Collection. David Walliams

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      “Come off it, Mr Hawtrey,” said Lisa, “we may be kids but we’re not stupid.”

      “And why have you got a moustache?” accused Dennis.

      “I have a very slight facial hair problem!” was the high-pitched reply. Dennis and Lisa just laughed. “Oh, it’s you. The boy in the dress,” snarled Mr Hawtrey, in a low voice. He knew the game was up now.

      “Yes,” replied Dennis, “the boy you expelled for wearing a dress. And here you are wearing one yourself.”

      “It’s not a dress, boy. It’s a blouse and skirt,” snapped Mr Hawtrey.

      “Nice heels, Sir,” said Lisa.

      Mr Hawtrey’s eyes bulged. “What do you want from me?” he demanded.

      “I want Dennis reinstated at the school,” demanded Lisa.

      “Impossible, I’m afraid. Not wearing the correct school uniform is a very serious offence,” said Mr Hawtrey with headmasterly confidence.

      “Well, what if it got out that you liked dressing like this?” asked Lisa. “You’d be a laughing stock.”

      “Are you trying to blackmail me?” Mr Hawtrey asked severely.

      “Yes,” said Lisa and Dennis simultaneously.

      “Oh,” said Mr Hawtrey, suddenly deflated. “Well, it seems like I have no choice then. Come back to school on Monday morning. In correct school uniform, boy. But you need to swear that you will never mention this to anyone,” added Mr Hawtrey sternly.

      “I swear,” said Dennis.

      Mr Hawtrey looked at Lisa. She was silent for a moment, enjoying the power she still had over him. She smiled wider than a grand piano.

      “Oh, OK, I swear too,” she said eventually.

      “Thank you.”

      “Oh and another thing I almost forgot,” said Dennis.

      “Boy?”

      “Yeah, let’s have proper footballs allowed in the playground at break-time from now on,” continued Dennis confidently. “It’s no good playing with tennis balls.”

      “Anything else?” roared Mr Hawtrey.

      “No, I think that’s everything,” said Dennis.

      “If we think of anything else we’ll let you know,” added Lisa.

      “Thank you so much,” said Mr Hawtrey sarcastically. “You know, it’s not always easy being a headmaster. Shouting at people all the time, telling them off, expelling them. I need to dress up like this to unwind.”

      “Well that’s cool, but why don’t you try being a bit nicer to everyone?” asked Lisa.

      “Utterly absurd idea,” replied Mr Hawtrey.

      “See you on Monday then, Miss!” said Dennis laughing. “Sorry, I mean, Sir!”

      Mr Hawtrey turned and began to run home as fast as his heels would let him. Just as he was about to disappear around the corner, he kicked his shoes off, picked them up and started sprinting.

      Dennis and Lisa laughed so loudly they woke up the whole street.