Friday Afternoon. Sylvia Ryan

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СКАЧАТЬ flash of surprise registers on his face. Levi pushes his laptop aside and sighs. “Ahh. This is about last night.”

      “Yes and no. I miss you.” I whisper the words. “I miss our connection. The spark of lust in your eyes when you look at me.” I take a deep breath, not wanting to blurt out the next sentence, but I know it has to be done. “I know I’ve gained some weight over the years. Are you not attracted to me anymore?” His eyebrows pop up and genuine dismay shapes his features. Again he takes a few seconds before he speaks.

      “We’ve been married a long time, Mia. I think it’s pretty normal for things to get…” He trails off, obviously smart enough to not finish the sentence.

      Hot tears of humiliation begin to drop freely now because I still have the one last unasked question. It is the one weighing most heavily on my mind. “I don’t feel it from you, and I can’t figure out why you rarely make love to me anymore. And now when you do, it’s not good for you. Are you seeing somebody else?”

      I hold my breath. This, by far, is the worst moment of my married life. I honestly think I’m not going to get an answer I can live with.

      “Oh God, Mia, no! I’m not seeing anybody else.” He pauses and looks away from me. “Jeez.” He shakes his head. “I’m sorry things between us have been so bad you’re asking me that question.” He rubs a hand over his face. “This space that’s grown between us isn’t because I don’t love you or find you sexy. Mia.” He pushes his chair away from the table and pats his lap. “Come here.”

      My steps are hesitant, as I walk the few feet between us. I ease myself onto his lap, trying to make myself small, and snuggle into him. The solid wall of his chest rests directly under my ear and I can’t help the sigh of contentment that escapes me. He takes my chin and lifts it so our eyes meet. “You’re it for me, babe. The love of my life,” he says, gathering me even closer.

      “You didn’t come last night,” I whisper.

      “That didn’t have anything to do with you. I was distracted. I was afraid the girls could hear us, and as soon as that thought crossed my mind, it was over for me.” He catches my tears with the side of his finger. “Please don’t cry. There’s nothing wrong with our marriage we can’t fix.” He pulls me in closer. “Tell me what you need, babe. And I’ll do it.”

      I look away, forcing him to let go of my chin and burrow into the hard wall of his chest again. His crisp white dress shirt is already stained from my eye makeup. “I don’t want to have to tell you how to love me. I just want you to want me. I want our sex life back. I want to feel special to you. I don’t want to just know I’m loved I want to feel it.”

      “Babe, I want all those things, too. It’s hard with kids. When they were little, they needed you too much. Now they’re older and know too much. The girls are thirteen–old enough to know what they’re hearing coming from our bedroom. It’s a mind fuck I have problems dealing with sometimes.”

      He shakes his head and draws in a long breath. “Okay, I don’t have any appointments scheduled on Friday afternoon. Come straight home from work. We’ll have the house to ourselves.” He smiles at me and kisses my temple. “We’ll take it from there, okay?”

      Later that night, I lie awake in bed and look over at the man sleeping next to me. I look at him, and I realize there isn’t any passion boiling hot under my skin either. The exhausting daily grind has taken its toll on me, too.

      Levi is a good life partner. He works hard for our family and is a good father to the girls. I’m aware some women would do anything for the life I live and would judge me for focusing on what I don’t have instead of what I do.

      I do appreciate him, and I don’t take him for granted, I assure myself.

      I feel better, like a weight has been lifted.

      For the rest of the week, I think about our upcoming date ten times a day.

       2

       Levi

      Standing at the threshold of my garage door, I look out into the cold quiet. Heavy snowflakes fall straight to the ground, stark white against the black night. There’s no wind, only silent accumulation. I grab my shovel and begin pushing the even layer of four or five inches that’s piled up.

      My brain draws a similarity between the imperceptible inching of snow and the subtle acceptance of circumstances that happen over time. I’m ashamed at the turn of events, and even more so that Mia’s revelation regarding our life together caught me off guard.

      After all these years of sex being an afterthought, first for her and then, because of the gradual acceptance of how things were, for me, too, I’d stopped looking a long time ago for the signs and signals indicating Mia might be interested in returning back to sexual practices we shared before the twins were born.

      Early on in our marriage, our love was incandescent, glowing hot and bright. Mia was the sun and, to my eyes, everything else paled to a dull gray in comparison to the vivid elation life held when she was near.

      Our sex was explosive. With her, I felt completely safe exposing my somewhat shady and highly explicit sexual needs. She blindly followed my lead headlong into questionable and kinky practices, always open to anything I introduced to her.

      Shit, my cock gets hard just remembering it. I stop to adjust myself before returning to my snow removal.

      I smile at the memories rising to the conscious part of my brain. She was the perfect woman for me. But it was never the same between us after the girls were born. At first I waited, holding back and ignoring our sexual needs. Mia barely kept her head above water with twins and a full-time job. Back then I paid close attention, looking for any indication she was ready, anticipating the moment we’d return to the sizzling lust once burning between us.

      I never saw it.

      With our new family, the dynamics within our home changed. The balance of power between Mia and I shifted. She was “in charge” of the kids, the home and by default, our sex life. She had a lot on her plate.

      Then the months stacked and became years. After so much time of almost nonexistent in quantity and vanilla in quality sex, I stopped looking for the signs we’d ever return. The little sex we’ve had since the twins were born hasn’t held my attention much, and I stopped wondering if she cared years ago. After years of withstanding the bubbling need to dominate Mia like I used to, the urge gradually faded.

      I stop pushing the heavy, wet snow and lean against the shovel to catch my breath. The warm air from my lungs creates wispy clouds as I exhale hard fast breaths. I take a moment to experience the wonder of the utterly black sky dotted with stars and the silent peace of the moment.

      I love Mia and I’ve never cheated. But I’ve thought about it. Only someone with the knowledge of what it feels like to live this way for a long time can come to understand the thought processes of people who are unfaithful to their spouses. My guess is most of the time, the cheater loves their partner. They only do it for the thrill, the excitement of new sex with a new person. It’s the anticipation of the forbidden act, the rush of brushing bare skin against someone new, the desperate I-can’t-wait-to-fuck-you kisses as clothes fly off and bodies surge toward the bed that captures a person’s interest.

      I grip the handle to my shovel and begin pushing snow again.

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