The Return of Captain Conquer. Mel Gilden

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СКАЧАТЬ stay to see today’s Captain Conquer episode? It’ll be on in a few minutes and we have a TV set right in the back room.”

      Alvin Algae curled his lip and said, “I never watch that stuff. It’s enough that I had to keep track of Webb Washington’s business without having to watch him act.” He carefully creased the petition and put it into his pocket. He shook his fist at Sherlock Congruent and said, “Captain Conquer will return, with or without your help.”

      When Alvin Algae was gone, Mr. Congruent said, “Somehow, you know, I think he’s right.”

      “What makes you think so?” said Watson.

      “I’ve had some interest shown in my motivator. But I don’t want to talk about that now. Today’s Captain Conquer episode is about to begin.”

      CHAPTER TWO

      A RING AS BIG AS A WALNUT

      Watson hung a sign on the shop’s door that said BACK AT 4:30, then ducked around the green cur­tain after his father. The back room was dim but for the gooseneck lamp that reached over the work­bench, and it was crowded with the same stuff that was displayed in the PX, but not stored as neatly.

      Watson followed his father along the narrow path of blue carpeting between the jumbled piles of post­ers and T-shirts to the back of the room, where Mr. Congruent’s workshop was located.

      The workshop was even messier than the rest of the room. Revealed on the workbench by the light coming from the gooseneck lamp, standing among bits of wire, circuit boards and tools, was an oscillo­scope that showed a strange curve that shuddered and re-formed time and time again on the round green screen. Big circuit diagrams smudged with clouds of fingerprints covered the walls.

      Near the oscilloscope, a finely machined piece of equipment stood on the bench. It looked something like an electric fan, but the round part where the blades might have been was completely encased in metal. A plate had been unscrewed from its side, and alligator clips clamped wires to blocky shapes inside. The wires led from the electric-fan-like thing to the oscilloscope.

      Watson watched the oscilloscope for a few seconds.

      “How’s the motivator coming?”

      Mr. Congruent carefully inserted a long thin screwdriver down into the motivator’s exposed in­nards. “Oh, I’m pretty close now.” They watched the luminous line on the screen of the oscilloscope wrig­gle while Mr. Congruent turned the screwdriver slowly, first one way and then the other.

      Mr. Congruent put down the screwdriver, then spun a lazy Susan that stood on one corner of the bench. A television set swung into view. Watson switched it on, and adjusted the sound on the Corny Cobs commercial that was on the screen, then sat in a big raggedy overstuffed chair next to the one in which his father was already sitting.

      As the jaunty march music that was the theme of The Adventures of Captain Conquer began, and clips of Captain Conquer taking off in the Great Auk, thwarting bad guys and shaking hands with Chuckles, his assistant, rolled across the screen, Mr. Congruent leaned forward expectantly in his chair. When the words “The Attack of the Proto-Penguins” flashed on the screen, he said, “Oh, I remember this. This is a good one.”

      Watson was not surprised at his father’s words. Mr. Congruent rarely said anything else when he saw the title of each day’s episode.

      Mr. Congruent studied his fingers and picked at his thumb while the first Chocolatron commercial was on. He said, “I wish they were still giving pre­miums. I’ll bet a lot of people would want an authen­tic metal-tone styrene plastic Captain Conquer Signet Ring. Or a model of the Great Auk, or a Chuckles activity book. After all, when you’re a Captain Con­quer fan, you’re a member of a big happy family. Don’t you agree, Watson?”

      “It’s nice to think so,” Watson said. His family had consisted of just his father and himself for so long that the possibility of being a member of a big happy family made Watson feel warm and wistful.

      “Yes,” said Mr. Congruent, “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: ‘Fandom is a way of life’.”

      Soon “The Attack of the Proto-Penguins” began. Mr. Congruent instantly stopped playing with his fingers, leaned forward and followed with interest the story of android penguins from the ice floes of Venus. When Captain Conquer spoke, Mr. Congru­ent paid attention as if the Captain were speaking directly to him.

      He nodded when Captain Conquer wisely did not use weapons until the true nature of the penguins and their mission was discovered. As it turned out, the penguins were programmed by the evil Destruc­towitz to explode if attacked. If the Captain had fired at them, as so many of his advisers wanted him to, the laboratory and half the mountain it sat on would have been blown to smithereens.

      Mr. Congruent laughed at the antics of Chuckles as he tried to free himself from the evil Destructo­witz’s quicksand field. He shook his head and groaned when Captain Conquer was captured by the evil Destructowitz.

      During the next Chocolatron commercial, Watson handed the mail to his father. One of the letters was from the Charlieville Planning Commission.

      “At last,” Mr. Congruent said as he tore open the envelope and started to read the thin sheet of paper inside. He stopped smiling as he continued.

      “What is it?” Watson said.

      “The Planning Commission has denied our re­quest to build a Captain Conquer Museum next door.”

      “Can they do that?” Watson said hotly. “They don’t own the land. We do.” Watson’s sense of honor was often offended by the Charlieville Planning Commission.

      “It says here that building on that land would violate certain city zoning ordinances and planning policies.” Mr. Congruent angrily balled up the paper and threw it to Watson, who smoothed out the paper on his knee and read the legal language with disbelief. Yes, it did seem to say what his father claimed, though only a lawyer could be sure.

      “I wish they would write these things in English, don’t you?” Watson said. Mr. Congruent did not answer, for suddenly, there on the television, Captain Conquer was once again in the clutches of the evil Destructowitz and Mr. Congruent once more became engrossed in the story. He seemed to have entirely forgotten how angry he was at the Planning Com­mission.

      Watson knew it was impossible to distract his father while The Adventures of Captain Conquer was on. He folded the letter from the Planning Com­mission and stuffed it back into its envelope.

      Things got worse for Captain Conquer. Ravenous proto-penguins attacked seafood restaurants all over the Earth, ate out their freezers, put everyone of them out of business. People who frequented sushi bars could not get enough raw fish, and were rioting in the streets.

      Just before the proto-penguins were about to dive into the ocean to eat everything that swam or crawled, Captain Conquer wriggled out of the ropes holding him and got to the Great Auk. He flew over the crowd of proto-penguins and dropped a powder that reduced them to their component organic mole­cules. The evil Destructowitz escaped back to Venus, vowing revenge. As he flew into the sunset, Captain Conquer spoke the famous line he said to Chuckles at the end of every show: “So much for that mess!”

      Mr. Congruent shook his head in wonderment. “Wasn’t that swell?” he said.

      “Swell. СКАЧАТЬ