Spiritual Transmission. Amir Freimann

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СКАЧАТЬ feeling happy with that answer, until it suddenly hit me that it was my relationship with Andrew himself, much more than his teachings, that I was pulled to. What? How could that be? The answer made no sense to me. How could my relationship with Andrew, who is just a human being, be more powerful and all-consuming than spiritual teachings? To my mind, the answer made no sense, but at the same time my heart was exploding with it, and tears were streaming down my face.

      I knew I had to ask Andrew what this meant, so after satsang ended, I went and asked to talk with him. “I have a spiritual question I want to ask you,” I said, and told him what had happened and my bewilderment about the insight I had had.

      “You’re right!” Andrew exclaimed when I finished. “Do you know why? First of all, because I am the teachings! Secondly, it’s also a perfect answer because a smart guy like you can find a way to remain separate and intact in your relationship with the teachings, but you sense and know that you will lose yourself completely in your relationship with me.”

      JUNE 2006

      FOXHOLLOW, MASSACHUSETTS

      Foxhollow was the world center of EnlightenNext, the international organization and spiritual community that grew around Andrew, with a dozen centers in Europe, the United Sates, Israel and India. Andrew and sixty to seventy of his students lived at Foxhollow, and the place also functioned as an ashram or monastery where people practiced meditation and various physical practices a few hours each day, as well as engaged in intensive individual and collective enquiry.

      One weekend at Foxhollow, the tension became almost palpable. It was a moment of truth for the men among Andrew’s oldest students, and I was one of them. After months of intensive practice and countless meetings among us, Andrew felt that the time was ripe for a significant change in our relationship with him and our ability to take more responsibility for the development of the community. A meeting with him was scheduled for the morning of the following day, Saturday. In a message that Andrew sent to all of us, he emphasized that it was important that we be ready for the next step, both all together and individually.

      It had become clear to everyone that I was the weak link in the group. My friends were concerned about the effect that my weak-nesses—self-doubt, lack of confidence and emotional instability—would have on this important meeting. I promised them that I would do all I could not to disappoint them, but in my heart I was not confident at all that I would keep my promise.

      That evening, Andrew played with his jazz band at a club in one of the nearby towns. I drove with a few friends to the gig. As soon as I entered the club, Andrew noticed me, even as he was busy setting up his drum kit, and signaled for me to come over to him. As I leaned toward him, he whispered forcefully: “Amir, tomorrow we are going to have a very important meeting, and its success depends very much on you. But rather than do everything to face your weakness and come prepared to the meeting, you chose to come here, drink beer and enjoy the music. It seems that you don’t really care. But I do. A lot. Would you please leave the club for me?”

      Shaken and on the verge of tears, I left the club and drove back to Foxhollow. I didn’t know what to do. I went to the meditation hall, sat down in the middle of the large, empty space, and meditated through the night. In those hours of meditation, I rediscovered immovable stability, which was not dependent in any way upon me.

      In the morning, when we met with Andrew, it was clear to everyone—without exchanging a word—that something had settled down and completely relaxed in me. I shared with everyone what happened.

      “Andrew, I don’t understand,” I said. “I’ve been meditating for thirty years, but nothing like this has ever happened to me; I’ve never had such a meditation. What happened?”

      “It’s very simple,” Andrew replied. “You’re a narcissist, so even your meditation is for yourself. Last night you meditated for me. That’s what made all the difference.”

      DECEMBER 26, 2008

      FOXHOLLOW, MASSACHUSETTS

      “We’ve been putting so much energy, time and money into the Israeli center, but it’s never taken off,” Andrew said. “So, as disappointing as it is for me and for everybody, we’ve decided to close it down. I want you to move back to Foxhollow and be part of the core group here.”

      I sank into my chair, feeling as if all the energy were draining out of my body. The room suddenly turned darker. A horrible feeling of total and final failure came over me. But the failure wasn’t just of our Israeli center and of me as its co-leader. At that moment I sensed that, for me, the failure really lay in my relationship with Andrew and the promise it had carried.

      In a way, that moment was the culmination of a half-year process, during which my mistrust in Andrew’s motivation had grown. I mistrusted his willingness to support me in the independence, strength, creativity and responsibility I was discovering. The stronger and more independent I became, both as a leader and as a cultural activist, the more tension I felt growing between us. Being sent back to Foxhollow also meant that I would be again in Andrew’s sphere of tight control, which would be a major setback to my growing autonomy.

      From the bottom of my sinkhole, I heard myself mumbling, “I cannot do that. I cannot leave Israel and all the projects I’m involved in. That would be completely wrong.”

      “Why don’t you think about it, and let’s talk again tomorrow,” Andrew said. “I think it would be good for you to be here, with your brothers and close to me. You’ve become a leader, and here you’d be part of the worldwide revolution, rather than wasting your time in Israel.”

      “I cannot leave Israel,” I repeated, now with a little more determination. “That would be a total letdown of my friends and colleagues there, and of my own integrity. I’m not going to do that.”

      As I stepped out of Andrew’s office into the freezing wind and began walking back to the house where I was staying during my visit, I already knew that this conversation marked the end of my relationship with Andrew as my Teacher. It was the first time in nearly twenty-two years that I had told him directly that he was wrong and that I wasn’t going to obey his instructions. That meant that I trusted myself more than I trusted him. That meant the termination of our teacher-student “contract.” But at that moment, for me it also meant failure, disappointment and heartache.

      The breakdown of my relationship with Andrew left me with one big, wide open question: “What was it all about?” Five years later, when Andrew’s worldwide organization of EnlightenNext collapsed, I decided to engage even more fully with that question, and take its exploration as far as I could—at least for myself, at this point in my spiritual process. I didn’t know where this would lead or what discoveries I would make in the process, but just the idea of diving into the mystery of the teacher-student relationship made my nerves tingle with excitement.

      I started off by reading every book and article on the subject that I could find, and taking my first steps in interviewing teachers and students in Israel. My very first interview was with Peter (Hakim) Young, a British Sufi teacher who was visiting Israel with his Israeli-born wife. On a sunny morning in Tel Aviv, we met in a café on Sheinkin Street, and I vividly remember our first exchange. I asked Hakim to tell me about his relationship with his teacher, Bulent Rauf, and he replied that the man had never regarded himself as a teacher but rather as “a fellow student.”

      “Gosh,” I thought, “this project is going to be trickier than I thought.”

      My second interviewee was with Aikido teacher СКАЧАТЬ