Living Upside Down. John Hickman

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      Sue has another of her involuntary little shudders, “No-one lazes about outdoors here. Not even in Arctic clothing and around a big bonfire.”

      Each afternoon for a week after work, Sue and Roger run around in ever decreasing circles in all their local libraries looking for books about Australia.

      “Australia’s so far away it might as well be on Mars,” Sue says dejectedly.

      “What we want,” Roger explains to any librarian who will lend an ear, “are books, preferably big books, with lots of glossy coloured pictures all to do with Australia.”

      At one particular library, after some soul searching and rummaging about, three books are found.

      Eagerly Sue picks up each one to check them out.

      “No!” She places the books back on the counter. “It’s not the nesting habits of the Pelican that we want to know about.”

      She does an eye roll to Roger that is so massive it almost gives her a headache.

      “Frankly, if we wanted to settle on the Moon there’d be more up to date information available,” Roger says gravely.

      “You’re probably right,” the librarian’s soft voice replies, “experts have recently been there and documented it.” He scratches his head. “Come to think about it there’s more interest about the Moon — than Australia.”

      “All available information comes back to what the Australian Government is putting out by the dray load, but that’s all heavily slanted in favour of their sponsored areas,” Sue explains.

      “How can we find out something worthwhile about Australia without actually going there?” Roger asks another brainy looking librarian.

      “Why, Australia?” Brainy asks.

      “Because we’re thinking of becoming ‘ten pound Poms’ and going there to live.” Sue explains patiently.

      Brainy shows interest. “You’ve seen their television advertising?”

      “The son of Fu Manchu couldn’t avoid it. It’s never off the television. If you buy a newspaper it’s got full page advertisements.”

      “They’re supposed to be a weird lot,” Brainy says softly, “you’ll need to take care.” He begins rummaging through his card indexes for books. After a while, he pulls one out. “Will you want to build a boomerang?”

      Roger looks at Sue. Sue looks at Roger.

      “No. Probably not,” Roger replies. “Well, not straight away, anyway.”

      Brainy puts it back, rummages further, and draws out another. “What about a Didgeridoo?”

      Roger looks blankly at him. Sue raises a shapely but sceptical eyebrow.

      Brainy shrugs. “Another confusing thing about Australia is their animals.”

      “Why?” Sue asks. The smile has melted off her face.

      “They’re divided into three categories; venomous, odd, and sheep.”

      “You amaze me,” Roger grimaces.

      Brainy beams. “Thank you. It’s true.”

      “I don’t doubt it,” says Sue in a resigned tone as she attends to James in his push chair.

      Jayne tightens her small grip on Roger’s hand.

      “Of the ten most venomous arachnids on the planet, Australia has nine,” Brainy announces proudly.

      Roger is thoughtful. “Wouldn’t it be more accurate to say then, that of the nine most venomous arachnids, Australia has all of them?”

      Anything else?” Sue asks; she is becoming bored.

      “There are snakes.”

      “You mean the spiders haven’t killed them all?” asks Roger.

      “Most snakes live near the sea, even the spiders won’t go near the sea, but be careful to check inside your boots and shoes.”

      “When?”

      Brainy is thoughtful. “Best before putting them on. Oh, and under toilet seats before sitting down.”

      “What, for snakes, or spiders?”

      “Both I’d say, oh, and always carry a large stick.”

      “What else have you got in your bag of tricks?”

      “Watch out for Drop Bears.” Brainy continues. “I’ve heard there are these Bears that stay in trees, they wait for you to walk under them, then they fall on top of you and attack.”

      Sue and Roger are mortified. Jayne perks up at the mention of bears falling out of trees.

      “Surely not!” Roger gasps.

      Brainy smiles appreciatively and winks at Roger as he flicks through more index cards. “Did you know over half of the entire flora and fauna that exist in Australia are found no-where else? And yet, to top it off, that it is the most inhospitable place to support life outside of Antarctica.”

      “Good to know,” says Roger snidely, “actually it sounds a great place to live and bring up a family.”

      “Another confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants,” Brainy continues.

      “Surprise me,” Roger retaliates.

      “Well, about 50,000 years ago Indigenous Australians arrived from the north possibly in boats.”

      “But if they arrived by boat or on foot, how come they’re Indigenous?” Roger asks. “I thought the definition of being Indigenous was that they were always there?”

      “Because it was 50,000 years ago, apparently they qualify.”

      Roger shrugs.

      Brainy peers at Roger over the top of his bifocal glasses, “They’re called Aborigines, you do know that.”

      “Yes, that’s easy to find out.”

      “I’ve got a number of books about them. The tree hasn’t grown too far from the apple if you get my meaning?”

      Roger looks puzzled. “Isn’t it the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree?”

      “Yes, but remember we’re referring to Down Under? Anyway, they ate all the available food and a lot of them died of starvation. Those who survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man’s proper place in the overall scheme of things, and the spiders. They learned about spiders and snakes.”

      “What happened then?”

      “They ate the spiders and snakes.”

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