The Life and Death of Rochester Sneath. Humphry Berkeley

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      Publishing details

      HARRIMAN HOUSE LTD

      3A Penns Road

      Petersfield

      Hampshire

      GU32 2EW

      GREAT BRITAIN

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      Website: www.harriman-house.com

      First published in Great Britain in 1974.

      Re-issued 1993 by Harriman House.

      Re-issued in this edition 2013 by Harriman House.

      Copyright © Humphry Berkeley

      The right of Humphry Berkeley to be identified as the author has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Design and Patents Act 1988.

      Illustrations copyright © Nicolas Bentley

      ISBN: 9780857193063

      British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data

      A CIP catalogue record for this book can be obtained from the British Library.

      All rights reserved; no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise without the prior written permission of the Publisher. This book may not be lent, resold, hired out or otherwise disposed of by way of trade in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published without the prior written consent of the Publisher.

      To Robin Bidwell, for his help

      Introduction

      TWENTY-SIX YEARS AGO, when I was an undergraduate at Cambridge, I invented a public school. It was called Selhurst and its headmaster bore the name of H. Rochester Sneath.

      This fictitious school was intended to be a minor but respectable school in what one might term the third league, as public schools go. Mr Rochester Sneath was an unusual, not to say eccentric, headmaster and if the readers of this book trace a resemblance between him and Dr Fagan of Evelyn Waugh’s Decline and Fall they would not be altogether wrong, since I had recently read this masterpiece and still believe it to be, of its kind, the best book that Evelyn Waugh ever wrote.

      I was anxious that the school should possess a plausible name. For several months I would hold conversations with those of my fellow undergraduates who were comparative strangers to me. Invariably I would steer, or sometimes even wrench, the conversation to the point where I was asked the name of the school at which I had been educated. I did not answer with firm conviction that I had been to Eton or Rugby. Instead I gave a more diffident reply: ‘Well as a matter of fact I was at a school called Selhurst.’

      This invariably produced on the face of my questioner a blank and slightly puzzled look. ‘Haven’t you heard of Selhurst?’ I would ask, in the tone of an aggrieved party at law. ‘Of course, I’ve heard of it my dear fellow,’ would come the reply. ‘Let’s see, where exactly is it?’ After a dozen or so conversational gambits of this nature I knew that I had chosen the perfect name. Nobody if challenged would admit that they had not heard of Selhurst.

      I then had some letter headings printed headed: ‘SELHURST SCHOOL NEAR PETWORTH SUSSEX, FROM THE HEADMASTER, H. ROCHESTER SNEATH.’ At the total expense of fifteen shillings and an arrangement with the Post Office that they would forward any letter addressed to Selhurst to some lodgings of a friend of mine in Cambridge, I was able to embark on a series of correspondences with other headmasters and public figures.

      This was the only practical joke that I have played in my life. The frivolity of a boy of twenty-one would be unpardonable in a man of forty-seven. At the time of discovery of the hoax, I was barred from visiting my college for two years. The last time that I visited Pembroke College, Cambridge I dined on the High Table and afterwards was persuaded by the Senior Fellow to relate the tale of Selhurst and Rochester Sneath to an audience of dons.

      I have shown the letters included in this book to many personal friends in the intervening period, all of whom have said that they should be made available to a wider audience. None of the letters were intended to be malicious or to wound at the time but I decided that I would wait for twenty-five years before they could be published. All are genuine. Full marks must go to the then Headmaster of Winchester, Walter Oakeshott, and the then Headmaster of Wimbledon College, The Rev John Sinnott SJ, who were the only two people to see through the hoax. I am grateful to Robin Bidwell, an undergraduate contemporary, for his help.

      I hope that my reputation is such that I will no longer be compared with the frivolous boy of twenty-five years ago. In self defence I must say that I gained an honourable degree and became President of the Union and Chairman of the Cambridge University Conservative Association, while I was an undergraduate. So my university days, the happiest in my life, were not wasted.

      I have called this book The Life and Death of Rochester Sneath, and I have given it the sub-title ‘A Youthful Frivolity’, which it was and is.

       Humphry Berkeley, 1974

      To the Headmaster of Selhurst School

      March 25th, 1948

       Post Office, Petworth, Sussex, PO Ref 1576/326

      Dear Sir,

      With reference to your letter of the 23rd instant, the redirection of correspondence addressed to you at Selhurst School, Petworth, has been noted for attention.

      As, however, the address ‘Selhurst School’ is not known in this district perhaps you will be good enough to inform me of the exact location of the School.

      Yours faithfully,

       F. A. Dean

      Head Postmaster (Acting)

      April 14th, 1948

       Post Office, Petworth, Sussex

      Dear Sir,

      With further reference to your request for the redirection of correspondence addressed to Selhurst School Near Petworth I have to indicate that as detailed on page 55 of the Post Office Guide the Post Office cannot undertake to effect this service when redirection can be carried out at the place of address.

      Your letter of the 27th ultimo suggests that the house is at present occupied and I shall therefore be glad if its location is furnished and arrangements made with the occupier to redirect any correspondence addressed to yourself coming to hand.

      The service at present performed by the Post Office will cease after the 19th instant.

      Yours faithfully,

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