Real and Phantom Pains: An Anthology of New Russian Drama. John Freedman

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СКАЧАТЬ My mom’ll pony up tomorrow. No shit. She gives me five rubles every day.

      BOY 2: What about today?

      BOY: Today? Today I pissed her off.

      BOY 2: Let’s shove off. At three the old bitch comes looking for me.

      2

      The apartment where BOY lives. A large room with a TV in the corner. A couch on one wall, two beds on other walls. A floor lamp next to the coffee table. Two armchairs bookend a table. Bookshelves. A door leads to the bathroom. An entrance to the kitchen. A sliding door opens onto a tiny balcony.

      A MAN sits in one armchair doing a crossword. WOMAN sits on the couch sewing curtain rings on the curtains.

      MAN: Short-necked bittern.

      WOMAN: How many letters?

      MAN: Nine.

      WOMAN: We know any other letters?

      MAN: If I guessed pilgrim right, then the first one is “p”.

      WOMAN: Pond heron.

      (MAN writes the word in.)

      MAN: Who is the Grand Prince of Kiev? Last letter is “r”.

      WOMAN: How many?

      MAN: Eight.

      WOMAN: Vladimir.

      MAN: Fuck me! I knew that! (He writes it in.) You know, they all have names, but some have names you’d expect them to have –

      WOMAN: What do you mean?

      MAN: Vladimir.

      WOMAN (Understanding): Aaaaahhhh.

      MAN: Igor –

      WOMAN: Well, yes –

      MAN: Boris –

      WOMAN: What about Mikhail?

      MAN: Archangel Mikhail hauled Satan out of the Heavens.

      WOMAN: Well, he did do that to the communists –

      MAN: Exactly.

      WOMAN: Well, yeah.

      (Pause.

      WOMAN switches on the TV.)

      MAN: I know a guy got killed like that. Just sittin’ at home watchin’ TV.

      WOMAN: Was it radiation? I saw a show about it. They said that during Brezhnev’s years they were working on a way to shoot radiation from the television. Probably bullshit. Assholes still wanna take Brezhnev down a notch.

      MAN: What are you talking about?! Radiation? It was eight years ago and we went to these chicks’ country house. For a birthday party. We’re all big sports fans and there was this big game that night. And later that night, on some other channel: Natural Born Killers. Me and a buddy stayed up for the movie. We’d seen it before –

      WOMAN: Get to the point, will you? (Beat.) What are you smoking? Are you high?

      MAN: This is a great story! I mean, we took the TV out there just for – Shit who was playing?

      WOMAN: You think we could just pinch a little?

      MAN: Just for us?

      WOMAN: Yeah.

      MAN: Now?

      WOMAN: It’ll be gone in thirty. They’re on their way.

      (MAN goes to the kitchen and opens the refrigerator.)

      WOMAN: In the freezer!

      MAN: I know.

      (Freezer opens. A baggie crinkles. A bag opens. Powder sprinkles. MAN brings a baggie out and shows it to the woman.)

      WOMAN: That’s enough.

      MAN: We better take another teaspoon.

      WOMAN: What’s that weigh?

      MAN: Never thought about it.

      WOMAN: Don’t forget to swap it out.

      MAN: Where’s the baby laxative?

      WOMAN: First aid kit, bottom shelf. The scoop’s in the cabinet.

      (Lid opens. Powder is scooped. Powder is poured.)

      MAN: All done.

      WOMAN: Where’s the gun?

      MAN: In the blue folder.

      WOMAN: The one with the flowers?

      (MAN enters with the bag.)

      MAN: No. The plain blue folder, there –

      WOMAN: Got it.

      (The MAN walks the room, mixing the baby laxative into the bag with the drugs. He holds it up to the light to make sure it’s evenly mixed.)

      MAN: Golden.

      WOMAN: Let me see. Yeah, looks good to me.

      (MAN returns the bag to the freezer, closes the door and returns to the living room.)

      WOMAN: So what about this friend of yours? The one who was killed?

      MAN: Right, so, we get to the place in the country and we got tanked fast, planning to sober up by game time. Well, we got fucking Dionysian. Going on and on. Cause this guy, this guy, he was a professional drinker, he could watch TV shit canned! And me, well, I was a super-professional drinker, cause I didn’t give a shit about the game or the movie, I went there to get bungfu, not for bullshit TV!

      WOMAN: Another bender –

      MAN: No. Listen, I ain’t talking about the bender. After the game, everyone got drunk again –

      WOMAN: ...And –

      MAN: And fell asleep. Except Mikhail and me.

      WOMAN: Mikhail again.

      MAN: Yeah, well, we didn’t sleep, cause we were lit, Mikhail got inter-galactically drunk and me, I ate ten spoonfuls of hemp porridge. Puffed me up like –

      WOMAN: Like now?

      MAN: No. Now. I’m nervous now. That’s different.

      WOMAN: You always ramble on about corpses when you’re nervous.

      MAN: Can СКАЧАТЬ