Among the Myrtle Trees. Vanessa Crosson

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СКАЧАТЬ all over her body. Faith in God’s healing was the only thing that could save my mom from her failing body; nothing else was working. God was our only hope. I was with her on several occasions when she became unresponsive. The last time it happened was at the hospital. A nurse’s aide was also in the room, and she flipped the blue code switch. When they arrived, hospital staff members rushed me out so they could resuscitate my mom. I called several family members to come to the hospital and we paced outside the door praying, believing and trusting God for her healing. Nothing I heard and saw was positive, but I did not allow that to shake my faith. I prayed harder and cried out louder to God. After a very long attempt to revive her, the code was ended and she was pronounced dead. The staff members let us go in and visit her post-mortem.

      My dad and I stood on opposite sides of my mom, who was stretched out flat on a pulled-apart hospital bed. Her room looked very different, as if she had been moved to a different one. I reached under the white sheet to hold her hand, but its cold temperature was too much of a reality to bear. I looked over and saw my dad crouched down over her face, uttering one last prayer, and felt an immediate shift in my heart. My faith turned to fear. My hope was crushed. And, my trust? Well, I had none – not even in God. The night I watched my mom die instead of seeing me off to my senior prom, was the night I laid my faith down, turned my back on God and ran. It’s ironic, really. My faith was introduced with my mom at my bedside and it came to a screeching halt with me at her hospital bedside.

      Sometimes, running is the only thing we know how to do. Spiritual suffering and fear can snowball into a whole gamut of emotions. We start rationalizing everything and trying to understand the tragedy that surrounds us. “God must not love me; otherwise, He wouldn’t have allowed this to happen.” Better yet: “He must not exist.” Scared, angry and hurt, we run as fast as we can, abandoning the God we feel has abandoned us. Not many can relate to running – and those who can have a hard time admitting it or recognizing it….as I once did. It’s not something we tend to be proud of, not a trophy engraved with WINNER: FASTEST RUNNER FROM GOD to be displayed in our houses. So, as welcoming as those myrtle trees are, it would be an injustice to jump ahead without first pulling the bandages off the hurts and wounds we’ve covered up and hidden within our broken hearts in order to protect ourselves.

      In other words, we must uncover our deepest grievances and disappointments, allowing God to work within us. It is then that we realize our quest to find fulfillment and healing from all other sources has failed, leaving us empty. He allowed the run to reveal that He is the only One that can restore our faith. He is the author and finisher of our faith. We must embrace the freedom by understanding that there is no tragedy and nothing to be ashamed of in running. The only tragedy would be not returning to THE ONLY ONE to whom we can and should run. It is in the run we are assured that nothing can separate us from God’s love. Upon discovering that in the run He builds us up for the fight, we realize the whole time we have been running….it’s been in the palm of His hand.

      Prayer ~ God, I come to You as a runner, not knowing who I am anymore and not knowing You like I thought I once did. Are You there? I need to know that You are. I need to feel the warmth of You in my cold heart. I have run and hid and concealed my deepest hurts until I can do it no longer. I am tired – I need a strength that only You can give. I am lonely – I need the companionship that is only found in You. I have run for so long that it has become all I know. Begin now, God, a work of restoration in my heart. Show me how to walk with You. Pick me up, God, and carry me. I am tired of running. ~ Amen ~

      Shades of Scripture

      “The Spirit clearly says that in later times some will abandon the faith and follow deceiving spirits and things taught by demons.” 1 Timothy 4:1

      “I had planted you like a choice vine of sound and reliable stock. How then did you turn against me into a corrupt, wild vine?” Jeremiah 2:21

      “The Lord says: “What accusation did your ancestors bring against me? What made them turn away from me? They worshipped worthless idols and became worthless themselves.” Jeremiah 2:5

      “Holding faith and a good conscience. By rejecting this, some have made shipwreck of their faith” 1 Timothy 1:19

      “But they quickly forgot what he had done and acted without waiting for his advice. They were filled with craving in the desert and put God to the test.” Psalm 106:13-14

      “If you do not stand firm in your faith, you will not stand at all.” Isaiah 7:9

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