Don't Forget the Pepper Spray (Second Edition). Kristen Marie

Чтение книги онлайн.

СКАЧАТЬ quarter size welts all over his face. He screamed at me to run and I followed him. I hadn’t seen what we were running from yet, but it must have been bad because the entire golf course was running as well. Soccer moms were grabbing their kids and sippie-cups, dashing for their minivans. I turned to look. A huge swarm of hornets was chasing after all of us with the fury that could only come from having their home crushed by a crazy flirting man.

      Everyone was running. Children were screaming and dropping ice cream cones as their parents scooped them up. I passed James who was slowing down a little bit, starting to grab at his throat. I could hear sirens in the distance. Someone had obviously called the paramedics after seeing James covered in welts. I ran as fast as I could till I made it to James’s truck. I only looked back when I realized that the doors weren’t unlocked yet. James was fifteen feet behind me, lying on the asphalt of the parking lot. The hornets were covering him in a yellow and black cloud and he was rolling back and forth and screaming. I was terrified, but did the right thing. I spotted a mom leaving the course with a full water bottle in her hand. I stole it without a word and ran to James. I was already being stung and bit, but I dumped the contents of the water bottle on James and the hornets, grabbed him under the arms and began to drag him to the truck. A man got out of his car and helped me. We swatted the hornets and dumped James inside the truck. What few hornets made it in were crushed within minutes by my fists of adrenaline and fear.

      I finally had time to examine my poor date. He was covered, every inch of him, in welts that were growing to the size of a softball. They were bleeding, oozing, and bright red. His eyes were so swollen that he couldn’t even see me. He was trying to speak but his throat wasn’t allowing any words out. I squeezed his hand and told him it would be all right, but I’m not sure he even heard me because that was the instant that his throat closed completely. He began to gag and spit, gasp, claw, and thrash. My handsome and perfect date had turned into a swollen and suddenly unconscious man. I didn’t know what to do. The hornets were still all over the truck and the ambulance wasn’t here yet. I jumped out, screaming for anyone with CPR or first aid experience to help me.

      A woman left the safety of her SUV, and asked what was wrong. I explained that he wasn’t breathing and she, already being stung by the swarm that was attacking me, reached into her purse and threw her child’s epi-pen at me, and jumped back in her car. By now, I think I had been stung more than thirty times. I was beginning to swell and was in so much pain I could barely think. I flew into the truck. James had been unconscious now for about forty-five seconds and was no longer breathing. I read the instructions while swatting at the remaining pests. “In case of extreme allergic reaction, remove cap and press needle of epi-pen into side of leg firmly.” I didn’t know if this meant with pants on or off, but on seemed too unsanitary. So, James and I made it to third base that night when I was forced to remove his jeans to discover he didn’t wear underwear. I jammed the epi-pen into the side of his leg and held it there, waiting and terrified.

      After about twenty seconds, the longest twenty seconds of my life, James took a breath! Unfortunately, in the process of being unconscious and then snapping right out of it, James urinated all over the truck and me. He began to cough and gag, and then began to experience the fullness of pain he was in. He came into a better frame of consciousness when the fire truck began to slam James’s truck with its powerful water hose. We both yelled in fear as the truck nearly fell over on its side. Once the hornets were mostly gone, the paramedics came to get James out. I followed to the hospital in a separate ambulance where I was treated for all my stings and wounds.

      I just kept thinking what the hell just happened. I had the perfect date planned and those hornets thought it was all right to completely ruin it. How dare they! At least I got to see James naked and…it wasn’t too bad. What is wrong with me! He pissed himself while I jammed a needle into his leg! Ahhh! Focus. Where is he?

      James was put in a coma for three days to help deal with the pain. When he awoke, his first words were, “sorry for peeing on you!” He laughed nervously and took my hand. I kissed him, lightly. His face was still very swollen. I told him I would never forget this date.

      At least I got to see him naked…!

      DON’T PLAY WITH MATCHES

      

I met "Lauren" on Match.com. Or rather, she found me. That was the first red flag. Women are never attracted to me on Match.com, unless they are from Russia or the Philippines and seeking a green card marriage. If you're gorgeous, stuck in 10-below Moscow and want to move to sunny L.A. , then I'm your go-to-guy!

      So I was surprised when Lauren, a Los Angeles native, sent me an e-mail. We went back and forth. I thoroughly amused her with my wacky anecdotes and list of creative dates (“Magic Date—We go to a magic show at Magicopolis in Santa Monica and then make some magic of our own, woo, woo!”). Hey, what girl wouldn't fall for that?

      Our first phone call was actually a lot of fun; we had several things in common, a love for the original Twilight Zone TV series, London and Vicodin. Gosh, could she be THE ONE? One red flag that came up was how many times she managed to fit drinking into the conversation: “I have to meet with my dad; it's nothing a good drink won't get me through.” “I have to work tomorrow, nothing a good bottle of wine won't get me through.”

      We made plans for our date. I was to pick her up at her mom's house where she lived. Okay, so she was 31 and lived with mom, “Rent isn't cheap in Los Angeles, I would do the same thing,” I thought. But I thought about it a bit more, “Wait a second, my mom drives me crazy in less than 24 hours. I would throw her through a window.”

      About two hours before the date, Lauren called and told me that she would come pick me up at my place, “My little nieces are here and they are so precocious, they'll embarrass me” she insisted. So Lauren picked me up in gas-guzzling SUV and we went to a restaurant where she immediately ordered wine, with one glass. She went on to tell me how she usually drinks Vodka, but she was in a “wine mood.”

      At this point, this thought struck me, “Gosh, she just might be a raging alcoholic.”

      It went downhill from there.

      She scolded me for placing too much butter on my dinner roll. “That's pure fat,” she crowed. When I talked about being a writer, she rolled her eyes, “How can you make a living doing that?' A few drinks later, she bragged, “MY boyfriend is “very successful” and “owns an art gallery.”

      (That's why she didn't want me to meet the nieces, they would have spilled the booze, err beans, on Aunt Lauren.)

      At that point I told her that she shouldn't be out with me while having a boyfriend. “Why not? It's not like something is going to happen with us.” the lush laughed.

      Politely civilized, I didn't make a scene in the restaurant, but later that night, I wrote her a scathing e-mail. She subsequently had me banned from Match.com…for which I am eternally grateful.

      JUDAS THE GREAT

      23-years-old and dealing with a dating dry spell was no place to be. My gorgeous blonde sister had guys throwing themselves at her, but since she had a boyfriend, she liked to pawn the panting puppies off on me. How pathetic.

      Now I was no nerd, well not entirely anyway. I was tall, lean, long brunette hair, fun, outgoing, witty, intelligent… but enough of the adjectives my mom liked to toss my way.

      At the time I worked for an insurance company and my sister, СКАЧАТЬ