The Psmith Omnibus. P. G. Wodehouse

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СКАЧАТЬ rising causes insanity. Still, if you're bent on it...." After which he had handed over the key.

      Mike wished he could have taken Psmith into his confidence. Probably he would have volunteered to come, too; Mike would have been glad of a companion.

      It did not take him long to reach Lower Borlock. The White Boar stood at the far end of the village, by the cricket field. He rode past the church--standing out black and mysterious against the light sky--and the rows of silent cottages, until he came to the inn.

      The place was shut, of course, and all the lights were out--it was sometime past eleven.

      The advantage an inn has over a private house, from the point of view of the person who wants to get into it when it has been locked up, is that a nocturnal visit is not so unexpected in the case of the former. Preparations have been made to meet such an emergency. Where with a private house you would probably have to wander around heaving rocks and end by climbing up a waterspout, when you want to get into an inn you simply ring the night bell, which, communicating with the boots' room, has that hard-worked menial up and doing in no time.

      After Mike had waited for a few minutes there was a rattling of chains and a shooting of bolts and the door opened.

      "Yes, sir?" said the boots, appearing in his shirt sleeves. "Why, 'ello! Mr. Jackson, sir!"

      Mike was well known to all dwellers in Lower Borlock, his scores being the chief topic of conversation when the day's labors were over.

      "I want to see Mr. Barley, Jack."

      "He's bin' in bed this half hour back, Mr. Jackson."

      "I must see him. Can you get him down?"

      The boots looked doubtful. "Roust the guv'nor outer bed?" he said.

      Mike quite admitted the gravity of the task. The landlord of the White Boar was one of those men who need a beauty sleep.

      "I wish you would--it's a thing that can't wait. I've got some money to give to him."

      "Oh, if it's _that_ ..." said the boots.

      Five minutes later mine host appeared in person, looking more than usually portly in a check dressing gown and red bedroom slippers.

      "You can pop off, Jack."

      Exit boots to his slumbers once more.

      "Well, Mr. Jackson, what's it all about?"

      "Jellicoe asked me to come and bring you the money."

      "The money? What money?"

      "What he owes you; the five pounds, of course."

      "The five--" Mr. Barley stared openmouthed at Mike for a moment; then he broke into a roar of laughter which shook the sporting prints on the wall and drew barks from dogs in some distant part of the house. He staggered about laughing and coughing till Mike began to expect a fit of some kind. Then he collapsed into a chair, which creaked under him, and wiped his eyes.

      "Oh dear!" he said, "Oh dear! The five pounds!"

      Mike was not always abreast of the rustic idea of humor, and now he felt particularly fogged. For the life of him he could not see what there was to amuse anyone so much in the fact that a person who owed five pounds was ready to pay it back. It was an occasion for rejoicing, perhaps, but rather for a solemn, thankful, eyes-raised-to-heaven kind of rejoicing.

      "What's up?" he asked.

      "Five pounds!"

      "You might tell us the joke."

      Mr. Barley opened the letter, read it, and had another attack; when this was finished he handed the letter to Mike, who was waiting patiently by, hoping for light, and requested him to read it.

      "Dear, dear!" chuckled Mr. Barley, "five pounds! They may teach you young gentlemen to talk Latin and Greek and what-not at your school, but it 'ud do a lot more good if they'd teach you how many beans make five; it 'ud do a lot more good if they'd teach you to come in when it rained; it 'ud do ..."

      Mike was reading the letter.

      "Dear Mr. Barley," it ran.

      "I send the 5, which I could not get before. I hope it is in time, because I don't want you to write to the headmaster. I am sorry Jane and John ate your wife's hat and the chicken and broke the vase."

      There was some more to the same effect; it was signed "T.G. Jellicoe."

      "What on earth's it all about?" said Mike, finishing this curious document.

      Mr. Barley slapped his leg. "Why, Mr. Jellicoe keeps two dogs here; I keep 'em for him till the young gentlemen go home for their holidays. Aberdeen terriers, they are, and as sharp as mustard. Mischief! I believe you, but, love us! they don't do no harm! Bite up an old shoe sometimes and such sort of things. The other day, last Wednesday it were, about 'ar parse five, Jane--she's the worst of the two, always up to it, she is--she got hold of my old hat and had it in bits before you could say knife. John upset a china vase in one of the bedrooms chasing a mouse, and they got on the coffee-room table and ate half a cold chicken what had been left there. So I says to myself, 'I'll have a game with Mr. Jellicoe over this,' and I sits down and writes off saying the little dogs have eaten a valuable hat and a chicken and what not, and the damage'll be five pounds, and will he kindly remit same by Saturday night at the latest or I write to his headmaster. Love us!" Mr. Barley slapped his thigh, "he took it all in, every word--and here's the five pounds in cash in this envelope here! I haven't had such a laugh since we got old Tom Raxley out of bed at twelve of a winter's night by telling him his house was afire."

      It is not always easy to appreciate a joke of the practical order if one has been made even merely part victim of it. Mike, as he reflected that he had been dragged out of his house in the middle of the night, in contravention of all school rules and discipline, simply in order to satisfy Mr. Barley's sense of humor, was more inclined to be abusive than mirthful. Running risks is all very well when they are necessary, or if one chooses to run them for one's own amusement, but to be placed in a dangerous position, a position imperiling one's chance of going to the 'Varsity, is another matter altogether.

      But it is impossible to abuse the Barley type of man. Barley's enjoyment of the whole thing was so honest and childlike. Probably it had given him the happiest quarter of an hour he had known for years, since, in fact, the affair of old Tom Raxley. It would have been cruel to damp the man.

      So Mike laughed perfunctorily, took back the envelope with the five pounds, accepted a ginger beer and a plateful of biscuits, and rode off on his return journey.

      * * * * *

      Mention has been made above of the difference which exists between getting into an inn after lockup and into a private house. Mike was to find this out for himself.

      His first act on arriving at Sedleigh was to replace his bicycle in the shed. This he accomplished with success. It was pitch-dark in the shed, and as he wheeled his machine in, his foot touched something СКАЧАТЬ