More Moaning. Karl Pilkington

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      Jamie said he knew I was never going to go through with it so had brought me some pants. He got them out and they were the finest pants I had ever seen in my life, and when I say finest I don’t mean the best quality, I mean thin. Imagine wafer thin ham, and then slice it again! Jamie explained that they would make life easier for Trina to apply paint to as the material is the closest thing to skin. He wasn’t kidding. I don’t think I’ve ever had to handle something so delicate. A pair of pants made out of a spider’s web would have been tougher. The strongest bit about them was the label. I eventually got them on and went back into the studio where I was greeted by the same bunch of people, but now they were nude. They applauded me as I walked in, as I think the pants were that thin they thought I was naked. I’m not a fan of being nude at the best of times, but with other people it’s even weirder. I bought a hot tub recently to help with me bad back, and the salesman showed me a big seven-seater one and said I could invite mates round if I bought this one. There was a couple of problems with that: one being I don’t have seven mates, and two, if I did, I wouldn’t want them in a hot tub with me.

      It’s like phoning a mate and saying, ‘I’m having a bath, do you fancy popping round and joining me?’

      Trina started getting the main colour on our bodies to make us look like a lion. A light brown colour. It definitely took longer to do me due to my body hair getting in the way. I think I had more hair on me than Trina had on her brush. She was struggling to get through to skin so switched to a sponge and dabbed it on. Not many places were left untouched. She even dabbed between my cheeks. She kept telling me to relax as my arse cheeks clenched every time, but I couldn’t help it; soon as the sponge touched my hairy arse, the cheeks closed like a Venus flytrap.

      We crouched back into our rough positions, and Trina and her assistant got to work with more touching up while giving out instructions as to where we needed to move our feet or shoulders. This was so much harder than I thought it would be. Not only on the knees and legs, but I’m also not a fan of being in tight places. Last time I felt like this was when I was trying to get some trainers at a Sports Direct closing-down sale.

      Suddenly my cheeks clenched again as someone was dabbing a soggy sponge on my arse. It was Trina. She stepped back and said she wasn’t happy with what she was seeing. At first I thought she meant my arse, but she was talking about the whole thing and said we should all relax as she wanted to start again with a different design.

      Everyone took this opportunity to grab some food, but because of all the paint, they couldn’t put their clothes back on so it was a buffet in the buff. This wasn’t that unusual for me as I tend to eat topless at home most days. I can be a messy eater. I’ve ruined loads of T-shirts from gravy splashes. Sunday lunch is the one that I make the most mess with, so I sit there looking like Peter Andre. I also prep my surrounding area like I’m about to do some painting and decorating before I have gravy.

      Having food to look at was a bit of a blessing as it meant my eyes could relax a bit. They had been bouncing round the room like a squash ball trying not to stare at anyone’s bits all morning, which is pretty difficult when you’re in a room full of naked people.

      Time was passing. We had already done around five hours in total. If it went on any longer, there was a chance I’d have to shave my body again. Trina announced she had a new design and planned on changing the lion’s head.

      This is where I would struggle as an artist. I wouldn’t be able to start again on the same project. The saying ‘if at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try again’ made sense years ago as you had no option, but now with Google it’s easier to find someone else who can. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll have a go at doing something and put research into it beforehand. I’m always using YouTube these days before I take on anything. I’m pretty sure I would have done a lot better at school if YouTube had been around. It’s like the best encyclopaedia ever, with the added bonus of dogs on skateboards.

      Trina’s new idea didn’t change my position, so I was back down on my knees for another hour or so. Even though I wasn’t doing much I felt shattered. It’s funny how doing nothing can be so tiring. I always have a go at Suzanne for saying she is tired after sitting on her arse all day, but full respect to her: it is hard work. I could sense that Trina felt under pressure with the time. The studio was only booked until 6 p.m., so she now had just thirty minutes to get it finished. I don’t quite understand what happened but when I looked up from my pose I saw Trina was now undressed and getting СКАЧАТЬ