The Moaning of Life. Karl Pilkington

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      KARL: Do you think education is important?

      GOPAL: Education is very, very important. Intellectual compatibility should be there, obviously.

      KARL: But it’s funny, with my girlfriend, she is quite intelligent, yet I didn’t do that well at school. But I learn from her.

      GOPAL: Okay.

      KARL: If you put two nutters together, it’s not good, is it?

      GOPAL: It’s not good?

      KARL: I don’t think so. I have changed my ways. I used to be a little bit dodgy when I was younger, but she’s keeping an eye on me and telling me not to do things. It’s interesting how sometimes education isn’t always the key to a relationship.

      GOPAL: Yep.

      I’m not sure he understood what I was getting at. He had hundreds of profiles on his system, so to speed things up he searched in the age category to narrow it down a bit. He read out details like an estate agent telling you about a property. ‘This one just in, fair-skinned, slim, charismatic, fashionable, classy, animated, social, lively, good size. Enjoys reading, current events, world politics, room for improvement.’

      GOPAL: Shoma. She’s a doctor . . .

      KARL: (reading from screen) Softly spoken, nice, slim, smart, sharp features, often mistaken for a student rather than a doctor because of her looks . . . Did you write that or did she tell you to write that?

      GOPAL: No, she has written herself.

      KARL: Umm. Bit big-headed then.

      GOPAL: We match horoscope also. Horoscope matchmaking.

      KARL: No, I don’t believe in all that. Next.

      I wondered if he was trying to palm off some women who had been on his books for ages. Eight or nine profiles later he found Shivani.

      GOPAL: Shivani.

      KARL: Shivani.

      GOPAL: She can marry with British guys. She can go abroad, there is no problem. Everything will suit you, and her parents will permit for you to settle over there . . . Should I show you that profile?

      KARL: Yeah, let’s have a look. (reading from screen) Hmm . . . non-vegetarian, that’s alright. She’s never married.

      GOPAL: Born . . . ’78. Her weight is around 47/48 . . .

      KARL: How big is that?

      GOPAL: She’s slim.

      KARL: Yeah, er . . . swearing . . . She’s not loud and she wouldn’t swear?

      GOPAL: Swear means?

      KARL: Like effing and blinding . . . effing and jeffing . . . erm . . . cursing . . .

      GOPAL: No, no. She’s not a loud person. She’s very calm and sweet. She doesn’t speak so much.

      KARL: And how much jewellery? Does she wear a lot of jewellery?

      GOPAL: No, no. Do you like jewellery?

      KARL: No.

      GOPAL: Okay, no, she is also not fond of jewellery.

      KARL: Okay, let’s have a look at her again. Can we just see her head again . . . just a picture?

      GOPAL: (showing photos) She’s slim girl. She’s not wearing any jewellery here. She’s a very simple person.

      KARL: She has a phone there . . . She on her phone a lot? Do you know if she’s constantly speaking?

      GOPAL: Everyone keeps phone. It’s mandatory nowadays.

      KARL: I know, but can’t she put it down while she has a photo taken . . . (to director) Will I see her?

      DIRECTOR: She sounds like quite a good match.

      KARL: Yeah, alright, let’s go and see . . . Let’s have a look. And do you know if she’s happy being in an arranged marriage?

      GOPAL: Yep. She needs this kind of marriage. It is in her blood, it is in her family. In arranged marriage she can get everything. She get happiness, for future. She will be happy because she has taken everyone’s view, everyone’s permission and everyone is with her for every decision.

      KARL: But say I go along and meet her and she gets on with me and we’re really happy, but her dad isn’t keen on me. Who gets the final say?

      GOPAL: If he is not agreeing, we will try to convince him. After all, he has to marry his daughter.

      KARL: Alright, let’s go see her. Her name again?

      GOPAL: Shivani. So we charge something for matchmaking you go through, we take something at once. When the ceremony is arranged we take lots of money.

      KARL: Not very good at foreign currency . . . How much is this going to cost me, in pounds?

      GOPAL: In pounds? Eighty . . . eighty pounds.

      And that was that. After a few calls it was arranged for me to meet Shivani later that evening. I was nervous but looking СКАЧАТЬ