The Last Family in England. Matt Haig

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      everywhere

      Later, when I was shut away, Lapsang arrived back. She had been gone for two days, and I was just starting to feel her absence. Of course, she had been away before, many times, in fact she was away more than she was in the house. But still, after a shaky start our relationship had blossomed of late, and when she was not there, at night, I missed having someone to talk with.

      So when she luxuriously slid in through the cat-flap, my heart lifted.

      ‘Where have you been?’ I asked her. My tone was curious, not cross.

      ‘Everywhere,’ she purred. ‘Everywhere.’

      ‘I think the Family has missed you.’

      She looked at me with her heavy, sceptical eyes. ‘I think you will find that the Family hasn’t even noticed.’

      ‘Be assured: they missed you.’

      ‘Well, darling, they’re going to have to miss me some more because I’m not back for long.’

      ‘But –’

      ‘In fact I’m thinking of leaving for good.’

      ‘You don’t mean that.’

      ‘I’m afraid I do, sweetie.’ She licked her paw. ‘Don’t you ever just want to get away?’ she asked as she stretched out in her basket.

      ‘Sorry?’

      ‘Don’t you sometimes feel the urge to just take off, to run away, to start afresh?’

      ‘No. I have to say I don’t.’

      ‘Oh, I do. Imagine how liberating it would be. Imagine, darling. To go from house to house, collecting new identities, new names, and an endless supply of milk.’

      ‘But you couldn’t, could you, really? You couldn’t leave the Family for ever?’

      ‘And may I ask why not?’

      ‘You’d miss everyone.’

      ‘Oh no. You see, that’s where you are mistaken. I wouldn’t miss them at all. Not one bit. I would just be thinking of all those new laps I could lie on.’

      I sighed. ‘I think you are in denial.’

      ‘Denial?’ she miaowed in disbelief.

      ‘Uh-huh. I’ve seen you. I’ve seen the way you are around Charlotte. You’re very fond of her.’

      Her head sank back into her neck. ‘She has the warmest lap in the house.’

      ‘Is that all she is to you? A warm lap?’

      ‘Yes, Prince. I’m afraid so. That’s all she is to me.’

      ‘I don’t believe it.’

      Her voice switched. ‘Well, believe this. If you get too close to humans you will only end up hurt.’ Although she had a tendency to melodrama, I could not deny the conviction in her eyes.

      ‘How come?’

      ‘Darling, listen. I go around this town every day and every night. I am not like you. I am mobile. I can go where I want. I look through windows and I see what is happening. I cross their gardens and sometimes, when I know it is safe, I walk through their doors. I hear the stories other cats have to tell. The humans are in crisis. They pretend to everybody that they are all still as happy as they ever were, but behind the closed doors it is a different story. They are out of control. Parents and children are at war – with each other, and with themselves.’

      ‘So, what are you saying?’

      ‘I’m saying that if you get too close to the Family, you will end up going down with them.’

      ‘There are things, Lapsang, that even you don’t understand.’

      Lapsang looked at me, doubtfully. ‘What don’t I understand?’

      ‘That the Family will be safe.’

      ‘How can you be sure when it is already happening? When the signs of its own sorry but inevitable destruction are already there.’

      ‘The houses you visit, are they occupied by Labradors?’

      ‘I don’t know, I don’t think so. Most of them probably don’t have dogs at all.’

      I placed my head on my paws and closed my eyes. ‘As I thought.’

      ‘As you thought what?’

      ‘Nothing. All you need to know is that there is no need for you to worry. There really isn’t. I am a Labrador,’ I told her. ‘The Family will be safe.’

      There was a pause, and then she started to purr. ‘Oh darling, you are a silly little dog,’ she said. ‘I wasn’t worried.’

      * * *

      Of course, Lapsang didn’t know about the Pact. She didn’t know that we were the only dogs left who were willing to devote our lives to the protection of our masters. She didn’t realise that every other breed had given up on the cause. She didn’t even realise there had been a cause to begin with. She was a cat, after all.

      But as I reopened my eyes and stared at the four pairs of shoes, neatly arranged by Kate in front of the vegetable rack by the back door, I couldn’t prevent Lapsang’s words from echoing in my brain.

       . . . get too close to the Family, you will end up going down . . .