An Idiot Abroad. Karl Pilkington

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      Ricky called last night. He was moaning ’cos I hadn’t been in touch. He said he had left loads of messages asking me to call him, but I can’t access them, as I’ve been locked out of my phone after entering the wrong security code more than four times. I told him I could still get texts, but that they cost me around 70p to receive them.

      ‘What about email? You got email on your phone?’

      Ricky

      ‘Yeah, but I don’t really wanna answer them ’cos they're like 70 pence a time or something. I got an email from Oxfam, saying if I wanted to buy some goat again. That’s cost me a quid.’

      Karl

      ‘Even if you don’t answer it or retrieve it?’

      Ricky

      ‘If it gets to my phone, I’m charged for it. That is it. So don’t start sending pictures of your head and that.’

      Karl

      ‘You’re an idiot then, because now I’m gonna send you a message or an email every couple of minutes. Why do you tell me these things?’

      Ricky

      ‘Dunno.’

      Karl

      Ahmed took me to the Cairo Museum today. I hated it. It was exactly what I thought it would be like. I’ve never enjoyed museums. I had also seen a lot of this stuff at the Millennium Dome when there was a King Tut exhibition on. I didn’t want to go to that either, but Suzanne, my girlfriend, had arranged for us to see her brother there. It was like the Cairo Museum. Box after box of some old ornament painted gold. Even the corpse of King Tut was in a box. Most people were more impressed by the fact that Jilly Goolden, the wine critic, was having a tour.

      Ahmed told me they were expanding the museum so it could fit more tourists inside, but I think this will just encourage the museum people to put even more old boxes on display. It’s interesting to see that people had so much clutter even thousands of years ago. The only way to get rid of it all was to bury it, and then some archaeologist went and dug it all up. Humans have always been hoarders of tat. I think that’s why lofts were invented; it’s somewhere to stick all the crap we collect in our lives rather than bury it.

      Ahmed explained how many of these items were made for the kings to take into their next lives. This would annoy me if I lived back then and people kept saying, ‘Hey, King Karl, I’ve got you a lovely gift.’

      ‘Have you? Let’s have a look.’

      ‘No, it’s for when you’re dead.’

      ‘Well, I’d rather see it now, if I’m honest.’

      ‘No, it’s all wrapped for when you’re dead.’

      ‘Will you stop going on about me being dead!’

      Surely I should choose what I’m going to be surrounded with in my next life? At least then I’d have time to have a chariot boot sale to get rid of my least favourite things. I left the museum, as I couldn’t take anymore. It was too busy for me, with people pushing and shoving. There were even some people there with babies in prams screaming their heads off. It’s not a great place to take a baby, is it?

      I noticed there was a KFC outside, so I had one, as I needed something that reminded me of home. I went to place my order, but the girl behind the counter pointed to a note on the counter. The note informed customers that it was a deaf KFC. I was confused. Did this mean they only served deaf people? The girl behind the counter pointed out the menu. There were instructions on how to place an order, which basically involved pointing to the items you wanted, which is the way I normally order my food when I’m abroad anyway. It was quick and easy and quite a good idea, as I was worried that no one would speak English and I wouldn’t be able to order a Zinger Meal. It turned out that not speaking meant life was a lot easier.

      It was nice to be in a fast food restaurant that didn’t have dance music blasting out of the speakers and staff yelling at each other like they are working on the floor of the Stock Exchange. Service was fast and friendly, due to the fact the staff weren’t stood around gabbing by the milkshake counter as they normally do in most fast food chains. I saw a man using a videophone to chat to someone using sign language. I’ve never thought about videophones being used for the deaf. We used to watch a lot of TV with subtitles when I was younger, not ’cos anyone in our family was deaf but ’cos my dad worked nights so we all had to be quiet.

      Suzanne called today. She was annoyed, as the boiler was playing up at home and she asked me to sort it before I left. I always have problems with boilers.

      Ricky sent me a text that just read: ‘70p.’

      I wore the jellabiya that I bought for Ricky last night. I wanted something comfy to relax in so opened it and tried it on. I ended up sleeping in it too. That’s the good thing with the local dress – it’s so light and comfy. If you lived and worked here you could wear them as pyjamas and then just get up at five to nine, roll out of bed and go to work in them. I think this is the reason you see doctors wearing those light blue pyjamas. Same thing – wear them in bed, and if you’re on call and get woken in the night, you can go straight to work.

      The only problem with wearing a jellabiya is there is no waistline, so it’s impossible to know if you’re putting on weight.

      Steve called last night. I told him the museum visit was a waste of time. He was annoyed with me but said he had arranged for me to go on a Nile cruise. I can’t say I was looking forward СКАЧАТЬ