The Complete Caregiver's Organizer. Robin Porter

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       Grandpa’s Gift

       Dealing with the seemingly endless amount of paperwork following the loss of a loved one can seem like drudgery, especially when grief is already wearing you down. My mom and I were doing our best to put things in order after my dad passed away, but we found that we could only handle bite-sized chunks at a time. One day, as we were heading to the bank to have some forms notarized, my then four-year-old son inquired where we were going. Without really thinking, my mom told him that Grandpa had given her some papers to sign. He thought about that for a moment, his little forehead scrunched up in concentration, and then asked, “Did Grandpa drop them down from Heaven?”

       My mom, caught off guard by his question, got a bit teary-eyed and responded, “No, he left them here for me before he went to help me out.”

       “Oh,” said my son, “that was nice of him.”

       My mom and I exchanged a look and broke into much-needed smiles. Oh, to be four years old and see the world so simply!

       Of course, my son was right; it was nice of my dad to leave things in order. We were thankful that he was organized and made it easy for us to find important documents, including account numbers, insurance information, and even the deed to his burial plot. It made a difficult time much easier. That was my Dad; always thinking of other people.

       However, I discovered that when it came to end-of-life wishes and funeral plans, he had left no information. I always assumed that he and my mom had discussed these things, but they never did. As is turned out, a do not resuscitate (DNR) or healthcare proxy was not needed, but I couldn’t help wondering what would have happened if he had been put on a respirator or other life support. Did he want those measures taken? Not knowing his wishes would have left us with a heart-wrenching decision. As far as funeral plans, I suspect my dad didn’t really care. He would have been happy to have a no-frills affair involving a fishing boat and some cold beer! But since we didn’t know what he had in mind, we did our best to plan a funeral that included the things he loved, lots of wonderful memories, and the many people whose lives he touched.

       After the dust settled, and my mom and I had some time to just sit and talk, we decided that the two of us needed to have some important conversations. Thankfully, she realized the significance of putting her affairs in order and expressing her wishes, so we consulted an attorney and created a living trust, with me as trustee. In the process, we talked about everything, from what she wanted to wear at her funeral (“Bright red, because I’ve never been a demure, pastel person,” she declared.) and what music to play (“Something upbeat, please.”), to starting a small college fund for my son. We discussed her end-of-life wishes and she signed a DNR. We took a financial inventory and made a budget. These discussions were sometimes difficult, but they were also some of the most meaningful conversations we had. And, once the documents were signed, copied, and put safely away, we felt a sense of relief. It was reassuring to both of us that things were in order. It occurred to me that we should have had these conversations much sooner, but at least we had them before it was too late.

       On our way home from the final visit to the attorney’s office, my mom let out a big sigh and announced, “Well, now that that’s done, we can concentrate on more pleasant things.”

       “Like what?” I asked, though I had a sneaky suspicion.

       She replied, “Stopping for a hot fudge ice cream puff, of course.”

       I knew it!