Coming Apart. Daphne Rose Kingma

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СКАЧАТЬ marry women who are physically and emotionally distant.

      For every single one of us, childhood is the first run of the most important movie of our lives. It would have changed our whole lives if we could have seen it when we were young, but unfortunately we missed it the first time around. Years later, we catch the rerun at another theater—in our love affairs and marriages.

      For almost all of us, the vital information about our childhood that we absolutely must have comes only with our adult relationships. Magically, unconsciously, we take the scenarios and emotional dynamics that existed in our relationships with our parents and recreate them in our relationships with our sweethearts, lovers, husbands, and wives. It's as if we're saying to ourselves, “I'll have to do this again until I get it right.”

      There are a couple of theories about the repetitive psychological patterns in which we all seem to engage. One is that we are all hopeless incompetents and masochists. We just keep doing the same rotten, miserable things over and over because, at heart, we thrive on misery. The other theory is that we keep creating a rerun of our childhood movie because we're trying to understand it, to get the information we missed the last time around (or the first time around). This theory holds that we reenact, recreate, and review the childhood movie until we have received the lesson it has to give us and then go on in our lives—as ourselves, able to have healthy, whole, adult relationships.

      As you may guess, I subscribe to this kinder view of human nature. I don't believe we're all masochists, but I do believe that it takes us a long time and often many experiences to teach us the things we need to learn about ourselves.

      Since adult relationships are our primary means of learning the lessons from childhood, it follows that often these adult relationships will not be the perfectly crystalline, boundlessly happy eternal unions we wish they would be. Rather, it is in their very raggedness, incompleteness, and frustration that they become powerfully instructive. It also follows that through them and at the end of them there will be much to be learned about our relationships with our parents—about what I call the unfinished business of childhood—and hence about ourselves.

      For every person—married, living with a partner, or single—the paramount task of living is the creation of the self. The reason relationships are so important to us, and the reason their endings are so painful, isn't just that when they are over we miss the company; it is because through them we undertake the process of bringing ourselves into being.

      Let me say again that in my view, it is the creation of the self—living as exactly and wholly as oneself as one possibly can—that is our primary task as human beings. Because relationships assist us in accomplishing this purpose, I see their endings not as tragic but, although needled with pain, as potent opportunities.

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      Charting the Life-Span of Love: Seven Relationships and Why They Ended

      WHILE IT IS TRUE THAT there are as many variations in relationships and reasons for their endings as there are couples who enter into them, there are also certain basic themes and issues that operate in both the creation and the dissolution of relationships.

      What follows are the stories of seven relationships and the issues upon which they foundered and ultimately disintegrated. Although these are composites drawn from among the hundreds of disengaging couples I have seen in therapy, and although no story will exactly replicate your own, I have included them here to provide you with a sort of dictionary of the many kinds of developmental tasks which are consciously or unconsciously undertaken in relationships. They can give you a way of identifying the tasks that are being or have been accomplished in yours.

      Because of our obsolete mythologies of love—in particular the myth that love is forever—our natural instinct is to feel as if our relationships have ended “out of the blue,” with no real reason whatsoever, or worse yet, for reasons single-handedly precipitated by our spouses or sweethearts. Yet, as these stories reveal, relationships always end for a reason—they end when developmental tasks have been completed by one or both partners.

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