Narcissistic Lovers. Cynthia Zayn

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       Chapter 4

       The Truth Can Set You Free

       As time passed, Linda began to understand she was much better off being alone than being with someone who constantly criticized and made her feel so negatively about herself. Nevertheless, she could not get past the nagging feeling of missing Robert. Sex had been amazing with him and she had attributed that to the fact that they were meant for each other. Night after night, she sat alone in her bedroom trying to convince herself that she did not miss him and was not longing for his touch…but she did. Images of Robert touching his new partner kept flashing through her mind, giving her gut a mocking twist.

       Throwing herself into caring for her daughter and her work, Linda managed to keep her mind busy during the day; as the months wore on she actually began to wake most mornings without feeling tearful and depressed. After work one day she accepted an invitation to go out for a drink with Carrie and a few other colleagues. And that decision changed her life forever.

       Carrie had worked with Linda for years, though they had hardly spoken before that evening. But somehow as they sat together, Linda suddenly felt the other woman’s compassion and began to confide in Carrie about her relationship with Robert. Listening intently, Carrie seemed to take everything in. Then she said, “Linda, you just dodged a big ole’ bullet, girl. Robert sounds like a type A Narcissist.” Linda sat in amazement as Carrie rattled off common phrases used by Narcissists, and realized Robert had used many of those exact phrases with her.

       Carrie described how she had actually been “narcissized” by two men and had even sought counseling to help with her recovery. Carrie told Linda to call her whenever Linda felt herself slipping from the resolve to distance herself from Robert. Carrie told Linda, “It’s hard to break that old attraction.” She was more than happy to share the sound advice with Linda.

       After that night, Linda decided to delve more deeply into NPD and read everything she could get her hands on that involved narcissism and the disorder. The more she studied, the more similarities she saw in her experiences with Robert and the information she was digesting. “No Contact” was advised in every article or book she read concerning what to do after a break up with a Narcissist. She began to understand why it was so important to ignore Robert and keep him out of her life. She made up her mind to do just that.

       Despite her new knowledge, Linda still found herself longing for Robert at times, just as Carrie had predicted. When she felt these emotional tugs, she called Carrie to get support. Carrie explained to her that she wasn’t longing for “Robert” but for the false “self ” Robert had tried to project. “You are actually mourning the loss of a mirage,” Carrie said. “It is hard for you to get over this because you are grieving the loss of someone who doesn’t really exist.” Carrie knew Linda felt intense emotions about the idea of Robert with another woman, so Carrie tried to give her an exercise that would ease her mind. Carrie said, “I want you to visualize your Narcissist sitting on the curb in front of your house. Moments later the rumble of a garbage truck is heard in the distance. Two men jump off the truck (go ahead and make them very attractive…after all, it is a fantasy) but before they can toss him in the back with the rest of the trash a woman happens by and “rescues” him from your curb. People go through other people’s trash all the time. They seem to think they can make good use out of something that someone else has thrown away. When you see someone taking a broken toaster or a worn out pair of sneakers from your trash can, you don’t chase her down, do you? Besides, most of the time they eventually realize it is useless, and it ends up on their own curb a little while later.”

       Linda knew Carrie had a point…still she couldn’t seem to stop being bothered by the dissolution of what had once seemed a dream relationship and couldn’t help herself from missing Robert. She told Carrie only half joking she wished there could be a law that required people with personality disorders to wear some sort of identity label to prevent others from becoming involved with them. Carrie said, “Once you learn how to recognize the characteristics of people with NPD, that will be all the identification you need. Trust me, now I see them coming a mile away. When something is not useful to you in a positive way, or if it is harmful to you, THROW IT AWAY.”

      People with a history of abusive relationships tend to remain in such situations because that is “what they know.” The bizarre cat and mouse games (the praise and devaluation process) played by the abuser and his victim are familiar and even comforting to the victim in some strange way. The unusual feelings associated with non-abusive relationships leave the victim feeling panicked and longing for the familiarity associated with his/her usual (abusive) relationships. This type of behavior is referred to as “Stockholm Syndrome,” after a 1973 kidnapping incident that occurred in Stockholm, Sweden. In that incident, after being kidnapped and subjected to brainwashing for a period of time, the victims resisted rescue attempts and even when rescued, they refused to testify against their captors. Stockholm Syndrome occurs when captives begin to identify with their captors, initially as a defense mechanism, and view any act of kindness, however small, in a magnified way. The syndrome has been observed in battered spouses, abused children and prisoners of war. Whether this was the reason Linda continued to long for Robert, or not, she now realized it was not healthy to miss someone who had treated her so badly and she was determined to initiate new behavior patterns and to learn more about the destructive ones she had experienced.

       Continuing her studies, Linda learned there are actually two types of Narcissists, the “Cerebral Narcissist” and the “Somatic Narcissist.” She decided that Robert was a Somatic Narcissist. Somatic Narcissists use their bodies to obtain their narcissistic supply. They often work out and stay in great physical СКАЧАТЬ