Be a Happier Parent or Laugh Trying. Betsy Kerekes

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СКАЧАТЬ a moment to think of the one thing that most needs to get done. Make that your objective for the day. Dusting the whole house? Ugh! Dust just the living room? Okay. That I can do. So far, my family hasn’t minded that the vacuum moves from room to room each day as I tackle the carpets piecemeal. If I can just do one chore outside of the standard must-do-for-survival a day, I feel productive, which makes me happy. So today, scrub a toilet, dust just the living room, vacuum only the hallway, or finally put away that one thing that’s been sitting on the counter for weeks. I for one, after staring at the chipped paint on the windowsill for a month, am going to suck it up, sit myself down, and finally write my husband a note to patch it.

      There are rare — okay, occasional — on second thought, frequent times where I haven’t followed my own advice and the dust gets to the point where the girls are drawing in it. (I like to do my part to support the arts.) This reminds me that it’s time to host a game night. That’s how I trick myself and the kids into cleaning. They love game nights because I let them stay up a smidge longer, and they also get to try all the tasty treats. They probably further appreciate that, busily engaged in conversation with a guest, I’ll typically say yes to them having just one more whatever that I would not allow under normal circumstances. The house gets clean, which makes me happy. The kids help, happier still. They get to stay up and eat yum-yums — a win for them. And my husband and I? We get to spend time with friends, another key to happiness. Although some nights I’m tired and regret the decision to have a party, as soon as people arrive, I perk up. Even though I’m an introvert, social time is great for the psyche. That reminds me. Let me check the dust level. Yep, it’s time to send another e-vite.

      The other great thing about hosting game nights is it’s a date where you don’t have to hire a babysitter. I’m sure you’ve heard that you still need to date your spouse post-wedding to keep your relationship strong. Maintaining that marital strength adds to your happiness as a parent, also. Not only does an intact marriage make you happier, studies have shown that when parents are happy, their kids are happier, too. Having a spouse who is, hopefully, your best friend, means you can help each other through the inevitable tough times of parenting. During these rough patches, sometimes your only recourse besides each other is acceptance with joy. (And if joy isn’t around, acceptance with your other friend, chocolate.)

      A friend’s son gives her the hardest time at bedtime if he so much as takes a five-minute nap during the day. She tries to keep him from falling asleep, but sometimes it happens in the car while she’s driving. She’s done everything but squirt him with a water bottle — like you do when your cat jumps on the counter. She hates the struggle that even this tiny nap will bring in the evening. There’s no way to fix her circumstances, so all that’s left is an attitude adjustment. Anticipating and accepting the difficulty makes it less frustrating.

      Another example is when we took Joe on a “vacation” when he was five months old. I have since learned my lesson. It was awful. When I could get him to sleep, he only stayed asleep for thirty minutes. That was for naps and at nighttime. I was miserable. He was miserable. Everyone in a five-mile radius was miserable. Finally, I decided to just accept it. I chose to be prepared for, rather than irritated by, the short sleep. My attitude was the only thing I had the power to change. In doing so, I was able to relax my expectations and be happier by making the most of the trip, despite Joe’s less-than-ideal sleep habits. And now I know for next time to bring one of those noise machines that mimic the ocean, rain forest, or New York City traffic complete with honking horns and people yelling, “Hey, I’m walkin’ here!”

      The other key to riding out calamity is remaining calm. A priest told a story about the car breaking down while his mom was driving him to school. She called her husband to come bail them out. It was inconvenient to be pulled away from work, and annoying to then get him to school so late, but if his parents were irritated, you would never have known. There was nothing they could do other than fix the situation and be on their way. Complaining about the dumb old car wouldn’t help anything, so why bother? When you can’t change something that’s happening to you, what’s the use in letting it drive you crazy? Staying calm in a negative situation makes one happier, or at least less unhappy.

      Remaining calm sets a better example than we realize. Imagine you’re potty training your child. (Did you just shudder? My apologies.) Now imagine you take your child to the potty, but he doesn’t want to go. You try again later and still nothing. You ask him if he needs to go. He insists he doesn’t. Next thing you know, his pants are wet. You, frustrated by the whole experience, kind of lose it. “Look what you did! You wet your pants! I tried to get you to go on the potty. I sat you down, you said you didn’t need to go. Then I asked again, and you still said no. One minute later you’ve wet yourself. Now I have to wash you up and find clean clothes and—” you know the rest. Unbeknownst to you, this reaction is teaching your child to lie in order to avoid seeing you angry or be yelled at. Express disappointment, sure, but remain calm and patient. You want your child to feel safe coming to you with the truth when she ran a purple marker across the back of the white couch or when he threw a ball indoors and knocked over a lamp. If such incidents happen and you fly off the handle, don’t be surprised when you’re met with tight lips after asking who swirled a magnet across the computer screen.

      Besides, such incidents are part of parenting and are to be expected. If your kids empty the contents of a flour bag all over the kitchen, or dump every single jigsaw puzzle you own into a single pile (both of these happened to friends of mine), take photos for social media and bask in the sympathy. And the laughter. Just remember to share the story at this child’s wedding reception.

      Not all messes are that calamitous, but they’re bound to occur regardless, so look on the bright side. Your children played in the mud and got filthy. They were being creative, getting exercise, and having fun while you got some quiet time. Children and their messes can be cleaned. Things that break can be repaired or replaced. Baby teeth fall out anyway, so who cares if you forgot to brush them tonight? Same goes for eating healthy. You can load them up with vegetables tomorrow. They will eventually potty train, be able to feed themselves, get dressed by themselves, and more. There are pros and cons at every age. Focus on the pros.

      You might think you’ll be truly happy if you could just have a girl, a boy, your dream home, a new car, a better job, or an ice cream shop to open up within walking distance. Perhaps you feel you’ll be happier when the kids are older and easier, or when they’re no longer teenagers, or when you have an empty nest, or when you can finally retire. But if you continue thinking that way — waiting for that next thing that you’re sure will make you happy — you’ll never be happy. Instead, find the joy in your life as a parent today.

      Chapter Two

      Being a Good Parent

      “Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit. Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset.”

      • Saint Francis de Sales •

      Having read the above quote, I know one thing for certain: Saint Francis was never on a conference call when he spotted his potty-training daughter about to wipe poo off her underwear with the dish cleaning rag. His point as it applies to parenting, however, is that to be a good parent we must set the right example by our attitude and demeanor.

      We can’t go wrong imitating people like Alice of Montbar. She had seven children, six of whom have been beatified, and the seventh is Saint Bernard of Clairvaux. She married the chief advisor to a French duke. That meant they could live large, but Alice wasn’t down with that. Based on their station in life, they could, and by the social standards of the day, should, eat sumptuously at every meal, but Alice kept things simple. They also dressed more plainly than was standard for their rank. Back in the eleventh century, Alice was the first to say, “Modest is hottest,” but in French. You can quote me on that, though I wouldn’t recommend it since I totally СКАЧАТЬ