Mending the Heart. Lisa Duffy

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СКАЧАТЬ real purpose of the Catholic annulment process is to determine whether or not a valid marriage bond was brought into being on the day of your wedding. As we discussed before, not all marriages have a valid bond. Some marriages have the appearance of being valid but do not have a valid bond. We know that a valid marriage is one that takes place between a man and a woman who come to the altar with the desire to create a permanent union with an openness to having children. (Note: This would include couples who are unable to have children but still marry with the desire to create a lifelong, permanent relationship and an openness to new life if God chooses to bless them with that gift. A couple can still have a valid marriage even if they are not able to have children.) As previously mentioned, the Catholic Church teaches that marriage is a sacrament. So, in addition to the unitive and procreative aspects needed to form a valid union, it takes two baptized Christians to form a sacramental marriage.

      But some marriages only appear to be valid when they actually are not. How does that happen? Well, think of it this way. For a sacrament to take place, two things must be present: matter and form. To understand what these two elements are, take a look at the Mass. A priest can pray the words of Eucharistic consecration (the form) over an Oreo cookie, but it cannot be changed into the Body of Christ because that is not the proper matter. The host must be unleavened wheat bread. Likewise, even if the proper host is on the altar, I cannot pray the words of consecration over it: only an ordained Catholic priest can. To take another example, look at Baptism. If you try to baptize someone with Coca-Cola, there is no valid baptism. You must use water (matter) and say the appropriate blessing (form) during the pouring of the water.

      The same is true for a marriage. All the right things must be in place for a marriage to be valid. The form of the Sacrament of Matrimony is the vows themselves, while the matter is the couple’s mutual consent and the consummation of the marriage. Often, it appears that a couple has everything they need for a valid marriage — they can check off the usual boxes, the service at the church, the dress, tux, rings, certificate, etc. But if the two people exchanging their vows do not fully intend the unitive and procreative aspects of marriage, a valid bond cannot be created.

      In my own experience, anyone who attended my wedding back in 1990 probably would not have questioned the validity of our marriage based upon what they saw. He and I were both Catholic, and we got married in a beautiful Catholic church with a full Mass. We had the dress, the tux, the rings, a handsome bridal party, and flowers. We had all the right things in all the right places except for the most critical aspect: intentions. My then-spouse later admitted many disturbing things about that day and the days leading up to the wedding. The most unfortunate thing, in my opinion, was that he never had any intention of remaining faithful or remaining married. He knew going into it that at some point he would leave. This is an example of how a couple can appear to have a valid marriage when they really don’t.

       Permanent Ain’t So Permanent After All

      Situations such as mine are more and more common these days, especially caused by the attitudes and perspectives of society. Many generations of divorce have diluted the notion that marriage is permanent, and the rise in cohabitation contributes to the idea that family relationships are interchangeable. There are untold numbers of couples getting married today who do not have any understanding of what marriage is supposed to be.

      Terry describes what it was like to come to this realization as he went through the annulment process. He was married to his wife, Allison, for about six years before he filed for divorce, and he shares part of his experience:

      I never dreamed I would ever do such a thing. When we got married, I thought the rest of our lives would be great, but Allison’s constant, unrepentant infidelity made me realize I had no other option. Our five-year-old son was being neglected and negatively affected by seeing his mother with other men. I couldn’t just stand by and do nothing. Now he and I are just trying to live as normal lives as possible.

      Reading through the annulment questionnaire was difficult at first, but ultimately, it opened my eyes to what had really happened. I recognized things I couldn’t see when Allison and I were first dating and in love. Growing up, Allison’s family had many struggles with abuse, which she rarely talked about because it upset her. After discussing it once with me, she would change the subject whenever I brought up the issue. It never occurred to me that this was something that could pose a problem; I just thought she wanted me to respect her privacy.

      I was always amazed that Allison said yes when I asked her to marry me because she was such a popular girl. We got married shortly after college, but in hindsight, I don’t think she ever was really interested in being a mom or a wife; she just wanted a different life than what she had. When she got tired of me, she ran to someone else for gratification. This was the hard truth I had to come to terms with.

      Subconsciously, I know I was not willing to admit this before, but in having to write it all down, it really helped me to accept this about us and find peace. I felt like I could begin to move forward.

      Terry’s case is not that unusual, and it illustrates how a couple can have the appearance of a valid marriage on the outside but not truly have one. Allison did not come to the altar with the intention of marrying for life. She also had emotional issues that, left unaddressed, became an obstacle to her being able to fully commit herself as a spouse. This brings us to the next, natural question: What kinds of situations would make a couple incapable of having a valid marriage?

       The Obstacles

      Situations that can prevent a couple from bringing a valid marriage into being on the day of their wedding are called “obstacles,” and they can arise in many different areas:

      • First, the bride and the groom must have complete freedom to give themselves to each other. When might this not be the case? There could be pressure from parents to get married, or maybe the bride is pregnant. Maybe the marriage is taking place only to secure citizenship in a particular country. These are examples of circumstances that would constitute a deficiency and would prohibit the bride and groom from creating a valid bond.

      • Moreover, the bride and the groom must come to the altar with the intention of creating a lifelong marriage relationship and accepting children as God gives them (the unitive and procreative aspects of marriage). If either of these intentions is absent from the bride’s or the groom’s perspective, a valid marriage cannot take place.

      • Next, both the bride and the groom must have complete understanding of the vows they are taking, and they need to possess the emotional and psychological ability to live them.

      • Finally, the marriage must be consummated. If a couple has the wedding, but they never consummate the marriage, their union is not indissoluble. This is a special case, and such marriages would require a special dispensation from the pope to be dissolved.

      Going through the annulment process and finding that an impediment existed to making a valid bond between you and your former spouse can be very difficult. This is especially hard to accept if you stood at the altar with full freedom and love, with full understanding and the proper intentions, but you come to realize that your ex-spouse may not have had the same intentions, understanding, or freedom. And it may also be that something about your intention or understanding was where the impediment lay. In chapter 4, author and annulment consultant Rose Sweet will offer an example of this for us in the story she shares.

      Don’t despair. With God’s grace, coming to recognize the truth about your relationship can have a cleansing effect that will help you deal with the breakdown of your marriage as you go through this process.

       A Little Encouragement СКАЧАТЬ