Buy the Ticket, Take the Ride. Brian Sweany

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СКАЧАТЬ points to no place in particular, her red eyes and slurring giving her away, too. “Over there somewheres.” She sits on my lap and sticks her tongue in my ear. Beth is drunk, maybe even a little stoned. And maybe a lot horny.

      Abe nudges me, tilting his head in the direction of the most isolated trailer. “It’s empty, and it’s the only clean one.” He shoots me one of those maniacal, tobacco juice-stained smiles of his that always freaks my shit out.

      I lean in to nibble Beth’s ear. “Hey.”

      “Yeah?” she asks.

      “Youwungozumplazeprivate?”

      Beth’s face perks up. Her eyes refocus, as if she’s willing herself to sobriety in real time. “With you, Hank? Anywhere.”

      I open the trailer door for Beth, follow her in and shut the door behind me. The inside of the trailer smells sour, like that washrag or towel that overstays its welcome in your bathroom. A mattress rests in the shadows on the far wall, covered in a loose-fitting sheet. A layer of cold dust clings to everything.

      It’s forty degrees outside, if that. Beth and I are separated from the elements by nothing more than an inch-thick sheet of aluminum. You’d think nudity would be the last thing on either of our minds.

      You would think.

      We get naked except for our socks. On cue, Jerry and Clem transition from Zeppelin to Meatloaf. Through the thin walls of the trailer I can hear them singing. Either the girls have a good handle on the lyrics to “Paradise by the Dashboard Light,” or else Jerry and Clem have moved on to different girls. I’m guessing the latter. Jerry and Clem go first, nostalgically remembering every little thing as if it happened only yesterday, bragging about their girl being the hottest chick in school and being none-too-subtle about groping her by the light of their automobile’s dashboard. Then the girls, shameless sluts that they are, affirm that yes, indeed, they are doubly blessed for being naked minors.

      I love this fucking song, a song whose ultimate message is that life is all about being young and naked.

      Beth pulls me on top of her. Her movements are sudden and awkward, like she’s afraid I might run out on her at any moment.

      Things are moving too fast for me. I’m getting the spins.

      “Something wrong, Hank?”

      I’m still slurring, and the cold is just making things worse. “Izzzreally fff-fuh-fffucking cold.” I want this as bad as Beth does. But between the temperature and me sorting out the three different Beth’s circling beneath me, I can’t get an erection.

      “Here, let me help.” Beth slides out from under me and pushes me onto my back. She moves down and drops her mouth over me. I pull a condom from my pocket, hand it to her. She does the rest.

      She wants to be on top. She takes me inside her. It’s warm inside her. She starts pounding up and down on me, springing off her knees, which are hinged under my ribs. The pounding slows to a sliding motion. The angle of this position seems to excite Beth while at the same time prolong my own orgasm.

      My bladder has had enough. How long have we been fucking, anyway? Five minutes? Ten minutes? A half hour?

      “Beth.”

      She can’t hear me over her moaning. I focus all my energy into making my lips obey me.

      “Beth! Rezdroom.”

      “Rez droom?” Beth is out of breath, still sliding.

      “Tryingtuhholdit. Juscantdoit.”

      “Oh, restroom.” Beth frowns. She pushes herself off me with a disappointed sigh.

      “Umzorry.”

      Beth shakes her head, but then smiles. “It’s all right, Hank.” She crawls onto her stomach and writhes beneath our remnants of clothing, arching her back. “I’ll be here…waiting.”

      I lean over, kiss her on the back of the neck, trying to rediscover the English language one damaged brain cell at a time. “Somethun to membermeebuy, till I gihback.”

      My bravado is short-lived. The spins are almost incapacitating when I stand up. Free from the coital distraction, the Johnnie Walker Red Label is kicking my ass with an inebriated vengeance. I fumble with the latch on the trailer door.

      “You okay, baby?”

      “Doors duck.”

      “Doors duck?”

      “Stuck!”

      “Oh, the door. It’s stuck.”

      “Yez. Zwuttisaid.”

      Beth opens the door for me. The trailer faces the river on the opposite side of the bonfire. I’m guessing I can whip it out unnoticed. I walk down the two aluminum steps to a nearby tree. I stand there wearing only my socks. My dick is in my hand.

      Either I’ve drunk myself deaf, or I am the world’s quietest pisser.

      If you pee in the forest, and no one is there to tell your drunk ass to take your fucking rubber off before you start peeing, does it make a sound?

      My eyes look down just in time to see a giant urine balloon hanging off the end of my cock. The balloon grows heavy. It slides slowly down my shaft.

      Warm urine is quite comforting on bare skin in forty degree weather, a point of fact I discover as the urine balloon falls off my cock and explodes at my feet with a great big sploosh sound.

      I step back into the trailer. “Weeshoodgetdrezzd.”

      “Get dressed? This is a big night for us.”

      “Notliethis. Notuhnight. Wurdoodrunk.”

      “You mean you’re too drunk.” Beth stands in front of me, defiant. She’s also naked except her socks. “I’m fine. Speak for yourself.”

      I point to my flaccid penis, it being the other part of the wur in my equation. “I am speeginfurmuhself.”

      I reach around her to grab my clothes. I trip over my own feet, fall flat on my face.

      Beth helps me up. “You really are wasted, aren’t you?”

      “Yeahhh-uzz.”

      I tell Beth the urine balloon story, or at least try to. She falls off the bed, laughing. “Okay, the jury concedes you’re too drunk to be having sex.”

      We get dressed—well, Beth dresses both of us. I stumble out of the trailer. My arm is around Beth. My feet are heavy. “Lezzguhhome.”

      We track down Hatch and Claire, say our goodbyes to Abe. He tells us to wait and comes running back with a plastic, two-gallon milk jug. “Got somethin’ for you guys.”

      I raise my head. “Wuzzatfur?”

      “Consider it a goin’ way present.” Abe pulls a СКАЧАТЬ