Love Skills. Linda Carroll

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СКАЧАТЬ 6.I feel that the cons of staying in this relationship outweigh the pros now. ______ 7.I fantasize about being single or being in a happy relationship with someone else. ______ 8.I play out and rehearse our “breakup talk” in my head. ______ 9.I’ve never been lonelier, even though I’m in a relationship. ______ 10.There are times I don’t even like my partner, and I wonder if that will become the new norm. ______ 11.Most things I’d prefer to do alone or with a friend rather than with my partner, even important stuff like making big purchases or getting career advice. ______ 12.I’m not sure what the next step in our relationship is, and to be honest, I’m not sure I care. Whatever it is, it just needs to happen soon. ______ 13.When I see other people in happy, healthy relationships, it makes me sad. It reminds me that mine is neither happy nor healthy. ______ 14.I can’t help but look for the flaws in my partner. I never give my partner the benefit of the doubt, and I’m not sure he or she even deserves it. ______ 15.I care about my partner, but sometimes I’m indifferent to the deeper things we shared. ______ 16.I think I lost myself in this relationship. I need to be my own person again rather than just being part of a couple. ______ 17.We don’t even argue with passion anymore. We just give up. ______ 18.Going to events or social gatherings together feels like a facade; we tend to take part in separate conversations. ______ 19.Most of our conversations are essentially small talk now — that is, if we’re talking at all. ______ 20.The tension and animosity in our home is almost palpable. I feel weighed down in my own house. ______ TOTAL SCORE ______

      Stage Five: Wholehearted Love

	Score
1.I recognize that my partner and I are separate people and that we have to accept each other for who we are.	______
2.I’m almost always open to having difficult conversations about “us.”	______
3.When we talk, I actively listen and seek to understand my partner’s point of view, even if I don’t fully agree with it.	______
4.Silences between us aren’t filled with tension, nor do they necessarily indicate an issue between us.	______
5.I’m comfortable being myself around my partner.	______
6.My self-worth isn’t determined by my relationship.	______
7.I acknowledge that I may have idealized love in the past, but now I see that love is more than passion, sex, and novelty. Love is also about kindness, companionship, and collaboration.	______
8.I realize that our relationship will continue to ebb and flow. Someday we’ll have an argument again, but what matters is how we approach and handle the argument.	______
9.We’ve had very tough times together, but I now see that we were able to build a stronger relationship from those experiences.	______
10.I want to treat and respond to my partner with the best and most mature part of me.	______
11.When we spend time apart, it doesn’t feel like a threat to the relationship.	______
12.I’m not anxious when I don’t hear back from my partner right away. Instead, I feel connected and content when I see a returned call, text, or email.	______
13.Our love is not a distraction from my work life or social life.	______
14.I’m comfortable being with my partner around friends and going to social gatherings together. Sometimes we talk to different groups of people at the same event, which feels perfectly okay.	______
15.My partner is always going to have certain behaviors that annoy me, but they don’t prevent me from appreciating the great partner I have in life. I’m now able to cope well with those small annoyances.	______
16.When there’s an issue, I seek to understand how I contributed to it, rather than focus entirely on what my partner did wrong.	______
17.We have a comfortable daily communication style, and we make each other laugh.	______
18.I’ll introduce my partner to new things I like or find interesting, but I’m not offended if my partner isn’t as interested as I am (and vice versa).	______
19.We are affectionate, maybe not as much as when we first started dating, but we regularly hold hands, kiss, and cuddle.	______
20.We tell each other “I love you,” but we don’t feel obligated to do so.	______
TOTAL SCORE	______

      Results

      Add up your total score for each section. Whichever section you have the highest score in represents the stage you are probably in. If you receive similar scores for more than one section, then you may be in between stages.

      The next chapter will guide you through what to do now that you know which stage you’re in.

      Can Each Person in a Couple Be in a Different Stage?

      Remember, couples experience the stages individually; one person might be in The Merge while the other is in Doubt and Denial. Individuals themselves may fluctuate between stages close to one another. For example, people may go back and forth between the first two stages, fluctuating between rapture and denial because they’re reluctant to let go of the promise of perfect love. People who’ve reached the fifth stage can fall back into The Merge, and then go through the difficult power struggle stages before eventually getting back to Wholehearted Love.

      Right now it is important for you to keep this discussion positive. If either of you feels resistant or tense while discussing your relationship stage, let it go for now. As you work your way through Love Skills, you will learn some new ways to talk and listen, so you can revisit this later on when you have learned more СКАЧАТЬ