The Infinite. Patience Agbabi

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      Sometimes I think like I talk and things make sense.

      Sometimes I talk like I think and my teachers say, ‘Elle, have you swallowed a dictionary?’ and I feel embarrassed.

      And sometimes when my feelings get jumbled up my words get jumbled up too.

      Or words come out in the wrong order or on top of each other.

      Or I don’t talk at all.

      That’s when under the table is the best place to be.

      Today, I’m living under the table.

      Though the table’s higher than average, I have to bend my head down, so after a while my neck gets sore. It’s hard to sit still under the table for long. Sometimes I lie down just to stretch out. I used to like living in my bed when I felt too many emotions at once, and noises went louder and smells went stronger and I needed somewhere quiet and calm to make the panic go away, but it was difficult to keep the sheet over my head. The table is better; the white cloth hangs right down to the floor all the way round. Like being in a tent. I love that. Last year I went camping with the school and it was perfect having my own tent to sleep in. It felt like my own little house. I was SO happy.

      But today I’m angry and sad. I can cope with being sad, angry and scared, although I don’t like it. But sometimes they get mixed up, like being happy and sad and scared at the same time. Yesterday I felt happy because leaping was like doing the long jump but ten times more exciting; sad because I leapt by mistake and if I had done it on purpose I would have gone backwards to make the bad thing unhappen, NOT forwards; scared because it’s illegal to leap solo before you’re 3-leap so I might get arrested and sent to a Young Offenders Unit.

      Today I’m even tongue-tied with Grandma. I cooked her pepper soup for breakfast with yam and fish because she’s Nigerian and her leg is paining her. She has rheumatoid arthritis. I looked it up on the internet. I don’t think you can die from it but some mornings she’s in so much pain she can’t talk.

      She wasn’t talking this morning and she ate her pepper soup sitting up in bed. She wrapped a white cardigan round her head as a headtie so she could bless the food in silence. When she prays over food she looks like she’s warming her hands and she closes her eyes so tight they look like belly buttons. This morning I let Grandma squeeze my hand, which shows she liked the pepper soup. Sometimes she complains I didn’t season it well, but today was the hand squeeze.

      I ate mine at the table. I enjoyed it because it was a white meal. Yam is white unless it’s yellow. Yellow yam is much more expensive so we never buy it. I like yam, even though it doesn’t taste of anything. It has a creamy, grainy texture. Texture is the best part of food. Fish is white unless it’s red. We only buy white fish. The fish is nice and flaky in my mouth.

      The Pastor’s wife smuggles yam from Nigeria in her suitcase and sells it on the Black Market. I used to think the Black Market was a market for black people, because white people eat potatoes and black people eat yam. Last time the Pastor’s wife visited, the handle came off her suitcase walking up the stairs because yam is much heavier than potato. It looks like tree bark. I cut off the skin, which is tough work, and washed it in salt water to get rid of the starch. Then I boiled it and added it to the pepper soup at the last minute to soak up the flavour. I always take my yam out of the pepper soup and put coconut oil on it and mash it up. You’re supposed to add palm oil but that’s red or orange and messes up the rainforest. I take the fish out, too. Mashed yam and white fish is my favourite breakfast.

      Afterwards, I cleared the table and collected Grandma’s tray, washed the dishes and sat under the table. I’ve got my tablet and my mobile phone if I want to watch something or look something up. It’s not very comfortable under the table but my hair is spongey, so it stops me banging my head on the wood. Today it’s in bunches like ears on each side of my head. If I spend the whole morning here, when I come out to make lunch I’ll feel happy.

      Someone’s knocking on the front door.

      We live on the first floor so we never answer the door. We’d rather have a ground-floor flat because Grandma struggles with the stairs but Mrs Leggett’s lived downstairs for 30 years and refuses to die so no one else can rent her flat. There used to be a doorbell but it broke and the landlord won’t fix it, so you have to knock. Some people knock so loud I think the door’s going to cave in.

      I’m sitting under the table, looking at the menu and the list of names for the trip. I’m going to be banned from the trip. I’m going to be excluded for running out of a lesson and leaping out of school and sprinting away from Mrs C Eckler, but that doesn’t stop me looking at the list of names. I like lists. Lists are like poems. Lists help me stay calm.

      I’m looking at the list of names so I can imagine what the people are like and don’t have to think about SOS L and running out of a lesson and being excluded. And not being able to go on Leap 2048. I’ve never run out of a lesson before so I’ll definitely be excluded. But Grandma would be horrified if I was excluded because I have good grades in every subject. I would be horrified too.

      They gave us a list of all the pupils on the trip so we can make friends more quickly when we get there. They have the same details so they know about us too. Half the pupils are Annuals from 2048 who’ve sworn the Oath of Secrecy because they have a Leapling with The Gift in their family.

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Name	Age on29February	LeapYear	School/Institution
Ama Atta Asante	14	2048	Music, Maths and Movement
Seren Thomas	13	2048	Music, Maths and Movement
Megan Smith	13	2048	Music, Maths and Movement
Yusuf Ali	15	2048	Music, Maths and Movement
Martin Aston	13	2048	E-College-E
Kate Loftis	12	2048	E-College-E
Ben Novak	12	2020	Intercalary International
Jake Bartholomew	12	2020	Intercalary International
Elle Ifíè	12	2020	Intercalary International
Maria de Santos	12	2020	Intercalary International
GMT	16	1968	Home School
Noon McFarland