The World Of Chance. William Dean Howells
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Название: The World Of Chance
Автор: William Dean Howells
Издательство: Bookwire
Жанр: Языкознание
isbn: 9783849657567
isbn:
It was Mr. Kane, and Ray's heart leaped with the hope that he would see him and recognize him, but out of self-respect he tried to look as if it were not he, but perhaps someone who closely resembled him. He perceived that it was a club dinner of some literary sort; but because he could not help wishing that he were one of the company, he snubbed his desires with unsparing cruelty. He looked down at his plate, and shunned the roving glance which he felt sure Mr. Kane was sending into the room where he now sat almost alone; and he did his best to be ashamed of overhearing the talk now and then. He grew very bitter in his solitude, and he imagined himself using Mr. Kane with great hauteur, after A Modern Romeo had succeeded. He was not obliged to go out that way, when he left the dining-room, but he feigned that he must, and in spite of the lofty stand he had taken with Mr. Kane in fancy, he meanly passed quite near him. Kane looked up, and called out, " Ah, good-evening, good-evening! " and rose and shook hands with him, and asked him how in the world he happened to have found out that restaurant, and he was astonished to hear that Ray was staying in the hotel; he said that was very chic. He introduced him to the company generally, as his young friend Mr. Ray, of Midland, who had come on to cast in his literary lot with them in New York; and then he presented him personally to the nearest on either hand. They were young fellows, but their names were known to Ray with the planetary distinctness that the names of young authors have for literary aspirants, though they are all so nebulous to older eyes.
Mr. Kane asked Ray to sit down and take his coffee with them; Ray said he had taken his coffee; they all urged that this was no reason why he should not take some more; he stood out against them, like a fool — as he later called himself with gnashing teeth. He pretended he had an engagement, and he left the pleasant company he was hungering so to join, and went out and walked the streets, trying to stay himself with the hope that he had made a better impression than if he had remained and enjoyed himself. He was so lonesome when he came back, and caught the sound of their jolly voices on his way up stairs, that he could hardly keep from going in upon them, and asking if they would let him sit with them. In his room he could not work; he wanted to shed tears in his social isolation. He determined to go back to Midland, at any cost to his feelings or fortunes, or even to the little village where his family lived, and where he had been so restless and unhappy till he could get away from it. Now, any place seemed better than this waste of unknown hundreds of thousands of human beings, where he had not a friend, or even an enemy.
XII.
In the morning Ray woke resolved to brace up against the nerveless suspense he had been in ever since he had left his manuscript with Mr. Brandreth, and go and present the letters that some people in Midland had given him to their friends in New York. At least he need not suffer from solitude unless he chose; he wondered if it would do to present his letters on Sunday.
He breakfasted in this question. Shortly after he went back to his room, there was a knock at his door, and when he shouted " Come in! " it was set softly ajar, and Mr. Kane showed his face at the edge of it.
"I suppose you know," he said, ignoring Ray's welcome, " or if you haven't been out, you don't know, that this is one of those Sunday mornings which make you feel that it has been blessed and hallowed above all the other days of the week. But I dare say," he added, coming inside, "that the Mohammedans feel exactly so about a particularly fine Friday."
He glanced round the little room with an air of delicate impartiality, and asked leave to look from Ray's window. As he put his head out, he said to the birds in the eaves, " Ah, sparrows! " as if he knew them personally, before he began to make compliments to the picturesque facts of the prospect Then he stood with his back to Ray, looking down into the street, and praising the fashion of the shadow and sunshine in meeting so solidly there, at all sorts of irregular points and angles. Once he looked round and asked, with the sun making his hair all a shining silver:
"Has anyone else been shown this view? No? Then let me be the first to utter the stock imbecility that it ought to inspire you if anything could." He put out his head again, and gave a glance upward at the speckless heaven, and then drew it in. "Yes," he said, thoughtfully, " a partially clouded sky is better for us, no doubt Why didn't you sit down with us last night? I saw that you wished to do so." He faced Ray benignly, with a remote glimmer of mocking in his eye.
Ray felt it safest to answer frankly. " Yes, I did want to join you awfully. I overheard a good deal you were saying where I was sitting, but I couldn't accept your invitation. I knew it was a great chance, but I couldn't"
" Don't you know," Mr. Kane asked, " that the chances have a polite horror of iteration? Those men and those moods may never be got together again. You oughtn't to have thrown such a chance away! "
" I know," said Ray. " But I had to."
Mr. Kane leaned back in the chair he had taken, and murmured as if to himself: " Ah, youth, youth! Yes, it has to throw chances away. Waste is a condition of survival. Otherwise we should perish of mere fruition. But could you," he asked, addressing Ray more directly, " without too much loss to the intimacies that every man ought to keep sacred, could you tell me just why you had to refuse us your company? "
" Oh, yes," said Ray, with the self-scorn which Mr. Kane's attitude enabled him to show. " I was so low-spirited that I couldn't rise to the hands that offered to pull me out of my Slough of Despond. I felt that the slightest exertion would sink me over head and ears. I had better stay as I was."
" I understand," said Mr. Kane. " But why should a man of your age be in low spirits? "
" Why? Nobody can tell why he's in low spirits exactly. I suppose I got to thinking the prospect for my book wasn't very gay. It's hard to wait."
" Was that all? "
" I was a little homesick, too. But wasn't the other enough? "
"I can't say. It's a long time since I was your age. But shall I tell you what I first thought your unhappiness was, when you confessed it just now? "
" Yes, by all means."
"I wonder if I'd better! I supposed it was not such as any man could inflict Excuse me! " He kept his eyes smilingly on the young fellow's face, as if to prevent his taking the audacity in bad part. " I don't know why I should say this to you, except that it really went through my mind, and I did you the wrong to
" I can forgive the wrong; it's so very far from the fact " — Ray began.
"Ah, you've already noticed that! " Mr. Kane interrupted.
" Noticed what? "
" That we can forgive people their injurious conjectures when they're wrong rather than when they're right? "
"No, I hadn't noticed," Ray confessed; and he added, " I was only thinking how impossible that was for me in a place where I haven't spoken to a woman yet."
If Mr. Kane tasted the "bitterness in a speech which Ray tried to carry off with a laugh, his words did not confess it. " It wasn't a reasoned conjecture, and I don't defend it; I'm only too glad to escape from it without offence. When I was of your age, a slight from a woman was the only thing that could have kept me from any pleasure that offered itself. But I understand that now youth is made differently."
" I don't see why," said Ray, and he quelled СКАЧАТЬ