The Devil's Dictionary. Амброз Бирс

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      G.J.

      ABDOMEN, n. The temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship, with sacrificial rights, all true men engage. From women this ancient faith commands but a stammering assent. They sometimes minister at the altar in a half-hearted and ineffective way, but true reverence for the one deity that men really adore they know not. If woman had a free hand in the world's marketing the race would become graminivorous.

      ABILITY, n. The natural equipment to accomplish some small part of the meaner ambitions distinguishing able men from dead ones. In the last analysis ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high degree of solemnity. Perhaps, however, this impressive quality is rightly appraised; it is no easy task to be solemn.

      ABNORMAL, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested. Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward the straiter [sic] resemblance of the Average Man than he hath to himself. Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and the hope of Hell.

      ABORIGINIES, n. Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.

      ABRACADABRA.

      By Abracadabra we signify An infinite number of things. 'Tis the answer to What? and How? and Why? And Whence? and Whither?—a word whereby The Truth (with the comfort it brings) Is open to all who grope in night, Crying for Wisdom's holy light. Whether the word is a verb or a noun Is knowledge beyond my reach. I only know that 'tis handed down. From sage to sage, From age to age— An immortal part of speech! Of an ancient man the tale is told That he lived to be ten centuries old, In a cave on a mountain side. (True, he finally died.) The fame of his wisdom filled the land, For his head was bald, and you'll understand His beard was long and white And his eyes uncommonly bright. Philosophers gathered from far and near To sit at his feet and hear and hear, Though he never was heard To utter a word But "Abracadabra, abracadab, Abracada, abracad, Abraca, abrac, abra, ab!" 'Twas all he had, 'Twas all they wanted to hear, and each Made copious notes of the mystical speech, Which they published next— A trickle of text In a meadow of commentary. Mighty big books were these, In number, as leaves of trees; In learning, remarkable—very! He's dead, As I said, And the books of the sages have perished, But his wisdom is sacredly cherished. In Abracadabra it solemnly rings, Like an ancient bell that forever swings. O, I love to hear That word make clear Humanity's General Sense of Things.

      Jamrach Holobom

      ABRIDGE, v.t. To shorten.

      When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for

       people to abridge their king, a decent respect for the opinions of

       mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel

       them to the separation.

      Oliver Cromwell

      ABRUPT, adj. Sudden, without ceremony, like the arrival of a cannon- shot and the departure of the soldier whose interests are most affected by it. Dr. Samuel Johnson beautifully said of another author's ideas that they were "concatenated without abruption."

      ABSCOND, v.i. To "move in a mysterious way," commonly with the property of another.

      Spring beckons! All things to the call respond;

       The trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

      Phela Orm

      ABSENT, adj. Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilifed; hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection of another.

      To men a man is but a mind. Who cares

       What face he carries or what form he wears?

       But woman's body is the woman. O,

       Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go,

       But heed the warning words the sage hath said:

       A woman absent is a woman dead.

      Jogo Tyree

      ABSENTEE, n. A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove himself from the sphere of exaction.

      ABSOLUTE, adj. Independent, irresponsible. An absolute monarchy is one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases the assassins. Not many absolute monarchies are left, most of them having been replaced by limited monarchies, where the sovereign's power for evil (and for good) is greatly curtailed, and by republics, which are governed by chance.

      ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.

      Said a man to a crapulent youth: "I thought

       You a total abstainer, my son."

       "So I am, so I am," said the scapegrace caught—

       "But not, sir, a bigoted one."

      G.J.

      ABSURDITY, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.

      ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.

      ACADEMY, n. [from ACADEME] A modern school where football is taught.

      ACCIDENT, n. An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable natural laws.

      ACCOMPLICE, n. One associated with another in a crime, having guilty knowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a criminal, knowing him guilty. This view of the attorney's position in the matter has not hitherto commanded the assent of attorneys, no one having offered them a fee for assenting.

      ACCORD, n. Harmony.

      ACCORDION, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.

      ACCOUNTABILITY, n. The mother of caution.

      "My accountability, bear in mind,"

       Said the Grand Vizier: "Yes, yes,"

       Said the Shah: "I do—'tis the only kind

       Of ability you possess."

      Joram Tate

      ACCUSE, v.t. To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly as a justification of ourselves for having wronged him.

      ACEPHALOUS, adj. In the surprising condition of the Crusader who absently pulled at his forelock some hours after a Saracen scimitar had, unconsciously to him, passed through his neck, as related by de Joinville.

      ACHIEVEMENT, n. The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.

      ACKNOWLEDGE, v.t. To confess. Acknowledgement of one another's faults is the highest duty imposed by our love of truth.

      ACQUAINTANCE, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough СКАЧАТЬ