THE FOUR GOSPELS (Les Quatre Évangiles). Эмиль Золя

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СКАЧАТЬ adrift, and she had been obliged to sell her few sticks of furniture in order to get together a couple of hundred francs, and thus secure admittance to Madame Bourdieu’s house, for the mere idea of having to go to a hospital terrified her. Whenever she might be able to get about again, however, she would find herself in the streets, with the task of beginning life anew at one-and-thirty years of age.

      “She never behaved unkindly to me,” resumed Cecile. “I pity her with all my heart, and I have been to see her. I am taking her a little chocolate now. Ah! if you only saw her little boy! he is a perfect love!”

      The poor girl’s eyes shone, and her thin, pale face became radiant with a smile. The instinct of maternity remained keen within her, though she could never be a mother.

      “What a pity it is,” she continued, “that Norine is so obstinately determined on getting rid of the baby, just as she got rid of the others. This little fellow, it’s true, cries so much that she has had to give him the breast. But it’s only for the time being; she says that she can’t see him starve while he remains near her. But it quite upsets me to think that one can get rid of one’s children; I had an idea of arranging things very differently. You know that I want to leave my parents, don’t you? Well, I thought of renting a room and of taking my sister and her little boy with me. I would show Norine how to cut out and paste up those little boxes, and we might live, all three, happily together.”

      “And won’t she consent?” asked Mathieu.

      “Oh! she told me that I was mad; and there’s some truth in that, for I have no money even to rent a room. Ah! if you only knew how it distresses me.”

      Mathieu concealed his emotion, and resumed in his quiet way: “Well, there are rooms to be rented. And you would find a friend to help you. Only I am much afraid that you will never persuade your sister to keep her child, for I fancy that I know her ideas on that subject. A miracle would be needed to change them.”

      Quick-witted as she was, Cecile darted a glance at him. The friend he spoke of was himself. Good heavens would her dream come true? She ended by bravely saying: “Listen, monsieur; you are so kind that you really ought to do me a last favor. It would be to come with me and see Norine at once. You alone can talk to her and prevail on her perhaps. But let us walk slowly, for I am stifling, I feel so happy.”

      Mathieu, deeply touched, walked on beside her. They turned the corner of the Rue de Miromesnil, and his own heart began to beat as they climbed the stairs of Madame Bourdieu’s establishment. Ten years ago! Was it possible? He recalled everything that he had seen and heard in that house. And it all seemed to date from yesterday, for the building had not changed; indeed, he fancied that he could recognize the very grease-spots on the doors on the various landings.

      Following Cecile to Norine’s room, he found Norine up and dressed, but seated at the side of her bed and nursing her babe.

      “What! is it you, monsieur?” she exclaimed, as soon as she recognized her visitor. “It is very kind of Cecile to have brought you. Ah! mon Dieu what a lot of things have happened since I last saw you! We are none of us any the younger.”

      He scrutinized her, and she did indeed seem to him much aged. She was one of those blondes who fade rapidly after their thirtieth year. Still, if her face had become pasty and wore a weary expression, she remained pleasant-looking, and seemed as heedless, as careless as ever.

      Cecile wished to bring matters to the point at once. “Here is your chocolate,” she began. “I met Monsieur Froment in the street, and he is so kind and takes so much interest in me that he is willing to help me in carrying out my idea of renting a room where you might live and work with me. So I begged him to come up here and talk with you, and prevail on you to keep that poor little fellow of yours. You see, I don’t want to take you unawares; I warn you in advance.”

      Norine started with emotion, and began to protest. “What is all this again?” said she. “No, no, I don’t want to be worried. I’m too unhappy as it is.”

      But Mathieu immediately intervened, and made her understand that if she reverted to the life she had been leading she would simply sink lower and lower. She herself had no illusions on that point; she spoke bitterly enough of her experiences. Her youth had flown, her good-looks were departing, and the prospect seemed hopeless enough. But then what could she do? When one had fallen into the mire one had to stay there.

      “Ah! yes, ah! yes,” said she; “I’ve had enough of that infernal life which some folks think so amusing. But it’s like a stone round my neck; I can’t get rid of it. I shall have to keep to it till I’m picked up in some corner and carried off to die at a hospital.”

      She spoke these words with the fierce energy of one who all at once clearly perceives the fate which she cannot escape. Then she glanced at her infant, who was still nursing. “He had better go his way and I’ll go mine,” she added. “Then we shan’t inconvenience one another.”

      This time her voice softened, and an expression of infinite tenderness passed over her desolate face. And Mathieu, in astonishment, divining the new emotion that possessed her, though she did not express it, made haste to rejoin: “To let him go his way would be the shortest way to kill him, now that you have begun to give him the breast.”

      “Is it my fault?” she angrily exclaimed. “I didn’t want to give it to him; you know what my ideas were. And I flew into a passion and almost fought Madame Bourdieu when she put him in my arms. But then how could I hold out? He cried so dreadfully with hunger, poor little mite, and seemed to suffer so much, that I was weak enough to let him nurse just a little. I didn’t intend to repeat it, but the next day he cried again, and so I had to continue, worse luck for me! There was no pity shown me; I’ve been made a hundred times more unhappy than I should have been, for, of course, I shall soon have to get rid of him as I got rid of the others.”

      Tears appeared in her eyes. It was the oft-recurring story of the girl-mother who is prevailed upon to nurse her child for a few days, in the hope that she will grow attached to the babe and be unable to part from it. The chief object in view is to save the child, because its best nurse is its natural nurse, the mother. And Norine, instinctively divining the trap set for her, had struggled to escape it, and repeated, sensibly enough, that one ought not to begin such a task when one meant to throw it up in a few days’ time. As soon as she yielded she was certain to be caught; her egotism was bound to be vanquished by the wave of pity, love, and hope that would sweep through her heart. The poor, pale, puny infant had weighed but little the first time he took the breast. But every morning afterwards he had been weighed afresh, and on the wall at the foot of the bed had been hung the diagram indicating the daily difference of weight. At first Norine had taken little interest in the matter, but as the line gradually ascended, plainly indicating how much the child was profiting, she gave it more and more attention. All at once, as the result of an indisposition, the line had dipped down; and since then she had always feverishly awaited the weighing, eager to see if the line would once more ascend. Then, a continuous rise having set in, she laughed with delight. That little line, which ever ascended, told her that her child was saved, and that all the weight and strength he acquired was derived from her — from her milk, her blood, her flesh. She was completing the appointed work; and motherliness, at last awakened within her, was blossoming in a florescence of love.

      “If you want to kill him,” continued Mathieu, “you need only take him from your breast. See how eagerly the poor little fellow is nursing!”

      This was indeed true. And Norine burst into big sobs: “Mon Dieu! you are beginning to torture me again. Do you think that I shall take any pleasure in getting rid of him now? You force me to say things which make me weep at night when I think of them. I shall feel as if my very vitals were being torn out when СКАЧАТЬ