THE COMEDY OF ERRORS. William Shakespeare

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       ADRIANA.

       [Within.] Who is that at the door, that keeps all this noise?

       DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.

       By my troth, your town is troubled with unruly boys.

       ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.

       Are you there, wife? you might have come before.

       ADRIANA.

       Your wife, sir knave! go, get you from the door.

       DROMIO OF EPHESUS.

       If you went in pain, master, this knave would go sore.

       ANGELO. Here is neither cheer, sir, nor welcome: we would fain have either.

       BALTHAZAR.

       In debating which was best, we shall part with neither.

       DROMIO OF EPHESUS.

       They stand at the door, master; bid them welcome hither.

       ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.

       There is something in the wind, that we cannot get in.

       DROMIO OF EPHESUS.

       You would say so, master, if your garments were thin.

       Your cake here is warm within; you stand here in the cold:

       It would make a man mad as a buck, to be so bought and sold.

       ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.

       Go, fetch me something, I’ll break ope the gate.

       DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.

       Break any breaking here, and I’ll break your knave’s pate.

       DROMIO OF EPHESUS.

       A man may break a word with you, sir; and words are but wind;

       Ay, and break it in your face, so he break it not behind.

       DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.

       It seems thou want’st breaking; out upon thee, hind!

       DROMIO OF EPHESUS.

       Here’s too much out upon thee: I pray thee, let me in.

       DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.

       Ay, when fowls have no feathers and fish have no fin.

       ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.

       Well, I’ll break in; go borrow me a crow.

       DROMIO OF EPHESUS.

       A crow without feather; master, mean you so?

       For a fish without a fin, there’s a fowl without a feather:

       If a crow help us in, sirrah, we’ll pluck a crow together.

       ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.

       Go, get thee gone; fetch me an iron crow.

       BALTHAZAR.

       Have patience, sir: O, let it not be so:

       Herein you war against your reputation,

       And draw within the compass of suspect

       The unviolated honour of your wife.

       Once this,—your long experience of her wisdom,

       Her sober virtue, years, and modesty,

       Plead on her part some cause to you unknown;

       And doubt not, sir, but she will well excuse

       Why at this time the doors are made against you.

       Be rul’d by me; depart in patience,

       And let us to the Tiger all to dinner:

       And, about evening, come yourself alone,

       To know the reason of this strange restraint.

       If by strong hand you offer to break in,

       Now in the stirring passage of the day,

       A vulgar comment will be made of it;

       And that supposed by the common rout

       Against your yet ungalled estimation

       That may with foul intrusion enter in,

       And dwell upon your grave when you are dead:

       For slander lives upon succession,

       For ever hous’d where it gets possession.

       ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.

       You have prevail’d. I will depart in quiet,

       And, in despite of mirth, mean to be merry.

       I know a wench of excellent discourse,—

       Pretty and witty; wild, and yet, too, gentle;—

       There will we dine: this woman that I mean,

       My wife,—but, I protest, without desert,—

       Hath oftentimes upbraided me withal;

       To her will we to dinner.—Get you home

       And fetch the chain: by this I know ‘tis made:

       Bring it, I pray you, to the Porcupine;

       For there’s the house; that chain will I bestow,—

       Be it for nothing but to spite my wife,—-

       Upon mine hostess there: good sir, make haste:

       Since mine own doors refuse to entertain me,

       I’ll knock elsewhere, to see if they’ll disdain me.

       ANGELO.

       I’ll meet you at that place some hour hence.

       ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS.

       Do so; this jest shall cost me some expense.

       [Exeunt.]