You and Your New Baby. Anna McGrail

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      And neaten the end…

      You can try:

      Emerging patterns

      BY ABOUT three months of age, the causes of your baby’s crying will have become much clearer: you will also have got to know her patterns and can predict or anticipate what she needs. Olivia found this made motherhood easier and more rewarding: ‘I can usually tell what’s the matter with her, yes. It surprised Robert the first couple of times I did it. I was having a bath and he was walking up and down with her because she was crying and all he could say was: “What is it?” I said, “Has she got a dirty nappy?” And of course he was most peeved to find out that she had. Now I can say, “She’s hungry”, or “She’s bored”. But the best one to learn to understand was, “She’s tired”. If Robert’s with her and she makes that cry, I can say, “She’s tired, she just wants to go to sleep. Stop playing with her, stop trying to keep her amused”. It had often happened, I realised, that we’d been waving toys in her face and all she wanted to do was to go to sleep.’

      SWADDLING

      Swaddling with a cotton sheet is a tried-and-tested method for calming and soothing newborns. Anyone who has watched a newborn can see the sense in it – those flailing arms and legs can’t be very conducive to sleep. It stands to reason that a baby who has been used to being warmly cushioned in the warm waters of the womb may find the sudden change to fresh air and unlimited space rather frightening. Swaddling can give a sense of security, and enables you to rock your newborn or hold him close to you gently and firmly – which babies like. The only word of warning concerns overheating, which can happen quite quickly to some babies if they are overwrapped. So swaddle your baby to sleep, but don’t overload him with blankets as well.

THE GROWTH OF LOVE

      IF YOU’VE GOT a baby who’s behaving in a way you find hard to cope with – whether because she sleeps all the time, is awake all the time, is cross or clingy, you may find it very hard to love your baby. And, if you feel that way, you probably feel guilty, too. Guilt is an unpleasant, gnawing feeling, so, if you feel guilty, you probably resent the baby for having made you feel that way. And you love her less.

      RELATING TO YOUR BABY

      If you’re finding it hard to relate to your baby:

       Give it time … some relationships are slower than others, that’s all

       Remember that you cannot ‘spoil’ a new baby. If it’s fear of indulging her that’s holding you back, give in. Allow yourself to cuddle and kiss her as much as you want

       Share your worries with your partner, a friend or a relative. Talk it through as much as you can

       The birth of your baby may have stirred up unpleasant memories or worries about your own childhood. If this is the case, it is worth telling your GP that you’d like to talk to someone about this

       Trust your own instincts – if you feel there’s something wrong with your baby or you, keep asking for professional help until you get it.

      Such vicious emotional cycles are sometimes easy to get into in the first few weeks of a baby’s life and hard to break out of again. The best thing to do if you’re beginning to feel like this is to tell someone about it: your midwife, your GP, your health visitor, a friend, your mum … Getting your feelings out into the open is often the first positive step we can take in admitting how we feel and then dealing with it, as Ingrid discovered for herself: ‘I could have gone on pretending everything was alright. After all, the house was immaculate, Rosie was obviously well cared for, and I had this smile plastered on my face every time the doorbell rang and someone came visiting. I think I was worried that no one would believe me if I said I felt there was something wrong. But in the end all I had to do was mention to my GP that I wasn’t feeling right and he said, “Oh, we’ll send one of the community nurses round to have a chat with you.” And she was round the next day. And said she’d come back in a couple of days. Just knowing that someone was going to come, who was interested in me, interested in how I was feeling, and wasn’t just going to ask questions about the baby all the time, made all the difference. I knew I’d get time to talk about me, and that’s what I needed.’

      IT CAN TAKE time for love to grow between you and your baby, just as it takes time for love to grow between any two people. Once you realise that this is not unusual, you may be half-way to feeling better.

WHEN THINGS AREN’T AS YOU EXPECTED

      Special care

      IF YOUR BABY arrives early, or is poorly just after the delivery, you may find that much of the responsibility for day-to-day care is taken out of your hands, especially if she needs to be looked after in the Special Care Baby Unit (SCBU).

      If your baby is in an incubator, it can be a very scary experience. Kay found it hard to relate to her premature baby at first: ‘I gave birth under anaesthetic on the Monday afternoon at 2.34pm when he was at 32 weeks’ gestation, and he was taken straight off to the SCBU. A few hours later, when I was coming round, the nurses gave me a Polaroid of him. I thought, “Oh, well, they’re looking after him there much better than I ever could here.” And I wanted to go back to sleep. My throat was very sore – they say that sometimes happens after a general anaesthetic – and all I could think about was having drinks of cool water to try to stop it burning. The rest of the time, I was very fuzzy. By Tuesday lunchtime, the catheter had been removed and, with the aid of the wonderful suppositories that they used for pain relief, I was able to shuffle down, very slow and careful, to see him. He looked very odd, all СКАЧАТЬ