488 Rules for Life: The Thankless Art of Being Correct. Kitty Flanagan

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      You’re not on Radio National trying to expose a politician for misuse of public funds.

      94

       Move on rather than resort to air filler phrases

      Sometimes, despite the best of intentions, you just run out of stuff to say. Always move on before you start filling the awkward silence with phrases like ‘Ahhh, wouldn’t be dead for quids’ or ‘C’est la vie’ or ‘Well, here we are’.

      95

       Don’t ask vegetarians why they are vegetarian

      It’s a question that they are forced to answer every time they sit down for a meal with a new person. It’s boring for them and if you’re lucky they will shut you down with a non-committal shrug and a vague ‘I just prefer not to eat meat.’ But if you’re unlucky you’ll come up against a fundamentalist who will redirect the question right back at you and ask why you’re NOT vegetarian. They will then rail at you about cruelty to animals, about how your love of meat is destroying the planet and basically make you feel really guilty about your choices. Either way, there’s no satisfactory answer so don’t waste anyone’s time, including your own, asking the question.

      The exception is if you’re talking to comedian Dave Hughes, who has quite an interesting answer, which relates to the fact that he used to work in an abattoir and it put him off eating meat for life. It will probably put you off eating meat too, not necessarily for life but at least for a couple of days, so that’s good—you can do your bit for the planet, even if it’s just for a day or two.

      96

       Always, however, ask converts why they converted

      There is something quite bizarre about grown-up people with solid, tertiary educations converting to one of the traditional book religions. As someone who grew up Catholic and experienced the pointless rituals and praying first-hand, I have never understood how a rational, thinking adult can choose to adopt formalised religion. It’s different when you’re born into it, you don’t know anything else and besides, it’s your family, it’s your culture.

      97

       Know when the small talk well is running dry and bail out

      ‘Got any travel plans?’ is an acceptable question when you’re struggling to sustain a floundering conversation; however, if you then follow it up with ‘Oh that’s nice … so, when do you go away?’ the conversation is officially dead in the water. So make an excuse and exeunt. Unless you’re planning a burglary of their house, there is nothing to be gained by garnering the exact dates of an acquaintance’s holiday.

      98

       Recounting a TV series to someone in great detail does not constitute good conversation

      I do this a lot. Sorry everyone.

      99

       Have a few emergency ‘go - to’ questions for when the conversation stalls

      Basic conversation starters like:

      ‘Who do you fancy in the Australian Open?’

      or

      ‘What’s your favourite soup recipe?’

      or

      ‘Would you rather be deaf or blind?’

      or

      ‘If you could ask Jennifer Aniston one question, what would it be?’

      or

      ‘Hand on heart, if you’d had an attic, would you have let Anne Frank hide in there?’

       PLANES, TRAINS & AUTOMOBILES

      A word about air travel

       I admit I seem to have an excessive amount of rules pertaining to planes and airports, but that’s because I do a lot of touring and I spend an excessive amount of time on planes and in airports.

       I realise there are many people who only fly occasionally and when they do it’s almost always for the purpose of a holiday. That puts you in a completely different mindset to those who travel for work purposes. Being in holiday mode means you are far more likely to be in a good mood

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