Always the Bridesmaid. Lindsey Kelk

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       7

      Monday May 18th

      Today I feel: Conflicted.

      Today I am thankful for: Nurofen and Dolly Parton.

      ‘Maddie, can I talk to you for a minute?’

      It’s not every Monday morning I’m yanked into the gents’ toilets by the head of HR, but I’m a curious soul so I went along with it.

      ‘Is something wrong?’ I asked while Matilda Jacobs checked to make sure all the stalls were empty. I wasn’t sure what would happen if they weren’t; what was the poor sod supposed to do, go to HR?

      ‘No,’ she replied, washing her hands. ‘It’s just that this is the only place we can talk without Shona listening.’

      ‘How have I never thought of this before?’ I wondered out loud. That was why they paid her the big bucks. ‘She’s not in today, though, it’s fine. What’s wrong? Why do we need to be Shona-proofed?’

      Matilda was a decent woman. She’d been at the company almost as long as I had, only she’d started as the HR assistant and now she was head of the department. I’d started as Shona’s events assistant and I was now Shona’s events assistant. You can see how our career paths have not enjoyed the same trajectory.

      ‘You know we’re advertising Victoria’s job?’ she asked, folding her arms over her enormous bosoms. It was the only word for them. They were bosoms.

      ‘I do,’ I replied. ‘Actually, I’ve got a CV for you.’

      ‘So you are going to apply for it?’ Matilda’s eyes were as big as saucers. ‘That’s fantastic.’

      ‘Oh, no,’ I said, cutting off her enthusiasm. I had Sarah’s CV. As much as the idea of working with my best friend made me want to do a little sick, I could hardly refuse to help her out right now. ‘Wait, what? Why?’

      ‘Because Shona emailed me this morning and told me in no uncertain terms that I was not to accept an application from you for the position,’ she said.

      Shona. What a massive bastard.

      ‘Of course, I told her if you wanted to apply, we were legally obliged to put you through the process, the same as any other applicant.’

      ‘But I haven’t applied,’ I said, panic starting to rise. ‘I have a friend who wants to apply for the job. I’m not going to apply for it.’

      ‘Yes you are,’ Matilda replied. ‘I want a CV on my desk by the end of the day.’

      ‘No, really, it’s fine,’ I insisted. ‘I’m very happy doing what I’m doing now. The management side of things doesn’t interest me that much.’

      Matilda stood very still, looked me square in the eye, and smiled.

      ‘Maddie,’ she said. ‘You’re being an idiot.’

      I wasn’t sure that line came out of the HR best practice handbook. ‘I am?’

      ‘You are,’ she confirmed. ‘I’m not asking you to apply to be CEO. I’m asking you to apply for a job you have, to all intents and purposes, been doing for the last nine years. Only I’m asking you to do it for more money, better benefits and without reporting in to a woman who told the MD he couldn’t promote you because she was worried you were taking crystal meth. You didn’t hear that from me.’

      ‘I wondered who was leaving those rehab brochures in my pigeon hole,’ I breathed. ‘Why are you telling me this now?’

      Matilda looked up at the polystyrene panels in the ceiling. ‘Victoria was a very good friend of mine and Shona is not my favourite person in the world.’

      ‘So it’s not because I’m really, really good at my job then?’ I asked, slightly deflated. Matilda replied with an expression I hadn’t seen since year ten maths class.

      ‘I’m not here to blow smoke up your arse, Maddie,’ she replied. ‘I’m here to do the best for the company. You should be applying for this job, bottom line. The fact that it will piss off a woman who gave me a six-month subscription to gay.com for my secret Santa last year is a happy coincidence.’

      ‘I didn’t know you were gay,’ I said.

      ‘Because I’m not,’ she replied. ‘She told me at the Christmas party that I give off a vibe and should probably get nice shoes if I didn’t want everyone to think I was a dyke.’

      ‘Classy.’ I’d missed that party because I was in the office sticking Swarovski crystals onto one hundred tealight holders for a winter wedding the following day. Good times.

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