Who’s That Girl?: A laugh-out-loud sparky romcom!. Mhairi McFarlane

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       17

      The Elliot Owen Story had started in the somewhat sleepy but ‘sought after’ suburb of West Bridgford. It was a place Edie had lived, long ago. Her brain had been too small to record many memories but she had a few. They flashed on and off like old jumpy sound-free sunny frames of a Super 8 Cinefilm and Edie turned her internal projector off.

      Elliot’s parents’ home was large and comforting, the doorway partially hidden by clematis. He would have one of those mums who used to pack his ingredients for Home Economics into a wicker basket with a pristine gingham tea towel on top. Edie used to buy her supplies from the local inconvenience store, while missing the bus and factoring in a sneaky fag. She rang the solidly middle-class, stiff brass bell and waited, prickly with anticipation.

      Elliot answered the door himself, which surprised Edie a little. His neon-green eyes met hers, and there he was, in the sculpted flesh. A fact that was both shocking and completely banal at the same time. It was ridiculous to be surprised he answered his own door, the man had to be by himself sometimes. He wouldn’t have an Alfred, as if he was Bruce Wayne. (Would he?)

      She kept her expression steady and said: ‘Hi, I’m Edie,’ and as soon as she said it, felt irrationally foolish, as he had a mobile clamped to his ear and she was talking over him. Elliot made the ‘point to phone and make twirling finger to indicate the call is running on’ gesture.

      He wedged the door open with a pristine white sneaker-clad foot as Edie brushed past him into the house, nerves jumping like fizzy beans. She’d sternly told herself not to wilt and thrill at being in his presence, yet it wasn’t possible.

      It didn’t matter how indifferent you declared yourself to be to the particular celebrity, seeing someone famous in the flesh had a weird hysterical buzz of cognitive dissonance. Edie couldn’t quite compute Elliot Owen’s proximity, even though it was a simple thing to understand.

      The clean-shaven, dark-haired man in the stripy jumper in this suburban hallway had the same face as the dishevelled hero she’d seen charging around in battle on her telly. Her brain roared IT’S HIM IT’S HIM OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HIM.

      OK, the sight of Elliot didn’t knock Edie out or make her almost ovulate. He was just ‘people’, except a pumice-stoned, cleaner, clearer, more bone-structured, symmetrical version. He looked like he’d smell of cut apples and fresh linen. And like all famouses, was smaller than the towering, glowering hunk she was expecting. He was a fairly good height, if on the slim side.

      Elliot opened the door to the sitting room with one hand and Edie took that as direction to go and sit in it.

      She thought he’d follow her, instead he went into what must be the kitchen next door. He’d only half-closed the sitting room door so Edie could hear most of what he was saying.

      ‘… that’s not it, though, is it. Why would I do that? Tell Larry that I’ll pay the deposit and if I can make it I can ma— oh bloody hell, Heather, really? Is this how we’re going to do it? You know what my schedule is like … oh WELL when you put it like that …’

      Edie had a jolt of realising she was overhearing a domestic between Elliot and his famous girlfriend. Something actually newsworthy – well, if you subscribed to our messed-up twenty-first-century news values – was happening on the other side of that white glossed door, with an audience of only Edie. Not that she could do anything with it, if she valued her employment.

      She wriggled out of her coat and laid it neatly on the arm of the sofa, got her Dictaphone and notepad out. She felt the hum of her jittery anticipation: she’d once again steeled herself for the first meeting and once again, he’d hit pause. And how was he difficult last time, exactly? Was he going to toss his curly hair around and get shirty at her opening questions? She wished she could’ve spoken to the outgoing writer, though that might not’ve helped.

      The row continued offstage.

      ‘I don’t understand why you’re being so stroppy when you knew … what the fuck’s the dog’s quarantine got to do with me?! Oh, I invented rabies, my mistake.’

      Edie scribbled ‘Inventor of Rabies’ at top of her notes, giggled idiotically to herself and then heavily scored it out. More disorientation: in Blood & Gold, Elliot had a cut-glass English RP madam I’m afraid I must ravish you at once voice. In real life, it was a soft Midlands burr. Not Nottingham-Nottingham, a middle-class version, still with the flat vowels. Actors put voices on, who knew!

      Edie considered that this humdinger with Heather Lily wasn’t going to put him in the best mood for their chat. Or maybe it’d help, maybe he’d be fired up and unguarded? Think positive.

      The room’s décor was standard issue for a comfortable, 2.4 family in this postcode, if a little staid. There was a thick deep beige carpet, a floral sofa set with those napkin-like thingies over the back – antimacassars? A varnished oak cabinet, the type that definitely had gummy-capped bottles of Advocaat and Martini Rosso behind its doors. A clock in a glass dome with a metronomic swinging device gave a hypnotic tick-tock-tick-tock.

      Elliot’s parents were away on a cruise, his agent had told Edie, so he’d opted to stay here rather than a hotel. She added lots of strenuous caveats about not disclosing this address to anyone, which offended Edie, as if she was going to go on Reddit and post GUESS WHAT, GUYS.

      The cabinet shelves displayed childhood portraits in chunky silver frames. Elliot had been, as expected, an angelic-looking little boy, marble skin and molasses-dark hair. Edie could see how he’d got a role as a Celt warrior.

      His younger brother was completely dissimilar, as Meg was to Edie – blond, stouter, blunter of features, still handsome.

      ‘… that a threat? Are you serious? Take him then, I honestly don’t care what your fork-tongued friends say about it, do you? Huh, clearly. Wait, WAIT. So on one hand you’re saying you’ll have to take him if I don’t show, as if that’s going to cause me to kick off, but I’m an uncaring bastard for not kicking off? What kind of stupid trap is – oh really, Heather. Have a word with yourself.’

       Yeah, maybe she has a word with herself and you have a word with me, how does that work for you?

      Edie СКАЧАТЬ