Three Men on the Bummel. Jerome К. Jerome

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СКАЧАТЬ Harris, who looks formidable, to support him, and myself at the door to call the police if necessary, he said he was willing to adventure the thing.

      We walked round to Harris’s, and put the proposal before him. He examined the book, especially the chapters dealing with the purchase of shoes and hats. He said:

      "If George talks to any bootmaker or any hatter the things that are put down here, it is not support he will want; it is carrying to the hospital that he will need."

      That made George angry.

      "You talk," said George, "as though I were a foolhardy boy without any sense. I shall select from the more polite and less irritating speeches; the grosser insults I shall avoid."

      This being clearly understood, Harris gave in his adhesion; and our start was fixed for early Wednesday morning.

      Chapter IV

Why Harris considers alarm clocks unnecessary in a family – Social instinct of the young – A child’s thoughts about the morning – The sleepless watchman – The mystery of him – His over anxiety – Night thoughts – The sort of work one does before breakfast – The good sheep and the bad – Disadvantages of being virtuous – Harris’s new stove begins badly – The daily out – going of my Uncle Podger – The elderly city man considered as a racer – We arrive in London – We talk the language of the traveller

      George came down on Tuesday evening, and slept at Harris’s place. We thought this a better arrangement than his own suggestion, which was that we should call for him on our way and "pick him up." Picking George up in the morning means picking him out of bed to begin with, and shaking him awake – in itself an exhausting effort with which to commence the day; helping him find his things and finish his packing; and then waiting for him while he eats his breakfast, a tedious entertainment from the spectator’s point of view, full of wearisome repetition.

      I knew that if he slept at "Beggarbush" he would be up in time; I have slept there myself, and I know what happens. About the middle of the night, as you judge, though in reality it may be somewhat later, you are startled out of your first sleep by what sounds like a rush of cavalry along the passage, just outside your door. Your half – awakened intelligence fluctuates between burglars, the Day of Judgment, and a gas explosion. You sit up in bed and listen intently. You are not kept waiting long; the next moment a door is violently slammed, and somebody, or something, is evidently coming downstairs on a tea – tray.

      "I told you so," says a voice outside, and immediately some hard substance, a head one would say from the ring of it, rebounds against the panel of your door.

      By this time you are charging madly round the room for your clothes. Nothing is where you put it overnight, the articles most essential have disappeared entirely; and meanwhile the murder, or revolution, or whatever it is, continues unchecked. You pause for a moment, with your head under the wardrobe, where you think you can see your slippers, to listen to a steady, monotonous thumping upon a distant door. The victim, you presume, has taken refuge there; they mean to have him out and finish him. Will you be in time? The knocking ceases, and a voice, sweetly reassuring in its gentle plaintiveness, asks meekly:

      "Pa, may I get up?"

      You do not hear the other voice, but the responses are:

      "No, it was only the bath – no, she ain’t really hurt, – only wet, you know. Yes, ma, I’ll tell 'em what you say. No, it was a pure accident. Yes; good – night, papa."

      Then the same voice, exerting itself so as to be heard in a distant part of the house, remarks:

      "You’ve got to come upstairs again. Pa says it isn’t time yet to get up."

      You return to bed, and lie listening to somebody being dragged upstairs, evidently against their will. By a thoughtful arrangement the spare rooms at "Beggarbush" are exactly underneath the nurseries. The same somebody, you conclude, still offering the most creditable opposition, is being put back into bed. You can follow the contest with much exactitude, because every time the body is flung down upon the spring mattress, the bedstead, just above your head, makes a sort of jump; while every time the body succeeds in struggling out again, you are aware by the thud upon the floor. After a time the struggle wanes, or maybe the bed collapses; and you drift back into sleep. But the next moment, or what seems to be the next moment, you again open your eyes under the consciousness of a presence. The door is being held ajar, and four solemn faces, piled one on top of the other, are peering at you, as though you were some natural curiosity kept in this particular room. Seeing you awake, the top face, walking calmly over the other three, comes in and sits on the bed in a friendly attitude.

      "Oh!" it says, "we didn’t know you were awake. I’ve been awake some time."

      "So I gather," you reply, shortly.

      "Pa doesn’t like us to get up too early," it continues. "He says everybody else in the house is liable to be disturbed if we get up. So, of course, we mustn’t."

      The tone is that of gentle resignation. It is instinct with the spirit of virtuous pride, arising from the consciousness of self – sacrifice.

      "Don’t you call this being up?" you suggest.

      "Oh, no; we’re not really up, you know, because we’re not properly dressed." The fact is self – evident. "Pa’s always very tired in the morning," the voice continues; "of course, that’s because he works hard all day. Are you ever tired in the morning?"

      At this point he turns and notices, for the first time, that the three other children have also entered, and are sitting in a semi – circle on the floor. From their attitude it is clear they have mistaken the whole thing for one of the slower forms of entertainment, some comic lecture or conjuring exhibition, and are waiting patiently for you to get out of bed and do something. It shocks him, the idea of their being in the guest’s bedchamber. He peremptorily orders them out. They do not answer him, they do not argue; in dead silence, and with one accord they fall upon him. All you can see from the bed is a confused tangle of waving arms and legs, suggestive of an intoxicated octopus trying to find bottom. Not a word is spoken; that seems to be the etiquette of the thing. If you are sleeping in your pyjamas, you spring from the bed, and only add to the confusion; if you are wearing a less showy garment, you stop where you are and shout commands, which are utterly unheeded. The simplest plan is to leave it to the eldest boy. He does get them out after a while, and closes the door upon them. It re – opens immediately, and one, generally Muriel, is shot back into the room. She enters as from a catapult. She is handicapped by having long hair, which can be used as a convenient handle. Evidently aware of this natural disadvantage, she clutches it herself tightly in one hand, and punches with the other. He opens the door again, and cleverly uses her as a battering – ram against the wall of those without. You can hear the dull crash as her head enters among them, and scatters them. When the victory is complete, he comes back and resumes his seat on the bed. There is no bitterness about him; he has forgotten the whole incident.

      "I like the morning," he says, "don’t you?"

      "Some mornings," you agree, "are all right; others are not so peaceful."

      He takes no notice of your exception; a far – away look steals over his somewhat ethereal face.

      "I should like to die in the morning," he says; "everything is so beautiful then."

      "Well," you answer, "perhaps you will, if your father ever invites an irritable man to come and sleep here, and doesn’t warn him beforehand."

      He descends from his contemplative mood, and becomes himself again.

      "It’s СКАЧАТЬ