I Need You. Jane Lark

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СКАЧАТЬ how long he’d wanted to dump me. He’d gone to New York to get away from me. But he hadn’t had the balls to tell me… Last night Billy had come right out and told me how he’d been feeling––

      “Here.” He threw his cell on the bed and pointed at it. “I’m gonna go down to the gym. You take a look at that.” His cheeks were scored with pink, like he was embarrassed.

      “Billy?”

      “You’ve been moaning half the night about how bad sex is. That’s your answer.”

      “What?”

      “I looked up a website for you. How to jerk yourself off. You don’t need a guy, Lind. Learn to do it yourself.”

      Oh my God. “Billy!” That was crazy. Now my cheeks burned. I put the water down. “What did Jason tell you?!”

      “Jason didn’t tell me anything. You said it all in your sleep, and last night.”

      “Liar. He told you I’d never had one didn’t he?” There was a mirror on the wall across the room. I caught sight of my face. My makeup had run. I looked awful. I hated seeing myself in mirrors.

      “Jason didn’t say anything! I told him you hadn’t wanted to do it with me, you’d been thinking of him. That’s all.”

      Frick… could he make me more embarrassed? It was like being whipped. “And Jason, said!”

      Billy bent down his hands settling on the mattress either side of me, his dark-blue gaze striking mine. “I swear, he never said anything. But his eyebrows lifted. So after your night’s babbling I guess it wasn’t much better with him…”

      I was gonna slap him, but he caught my wrist. “Lind, leave off the slapping or I’ll tip you over my shoulder again and this time I’ll just throw you in the shower to cool your temper down.”

      But I had good reason to be angry. “I can’t believe you two were talking about me!” I tried to yank my arm free but he wouldn’t let go. “Billy!”

      I pulled again and nearly fell back when he let go. He caught my arm again. ”Lindy. I looked it up so you don’t have to. I didn’t want you to come across anything you wouldn’t want to see––”

      “And how do you even know where to find shit like that?”

      “I’m a guy. We pretty much covered every type of porn on our cells at high school.”

      “I’m a guy…” I mocked.

      He let my arm go. “Whatever, Lind. You can look at it or not. I’m going down to the gym. Then I’ll have a shower and knock for you, okay?” As he turned away, his fingers ran through his hair, then immediately ruffled it to re-spike it. That stupid leather bracelet I’d made at high school shifted on his wrist.

      Was he implying I did it now?

      “I’ll see you later.” He said from the door, glancing back.

      This was too weird.

      The door shut.

      I got up, running away from his cell, that lay on the bed.

      Why did he think I’d do that?

      When I faced the bathroom mirror, it wasn’t me I looked at. My makeup had smeared around my eyes.

      I shut them.

      What the frick must Billy think? In 24 hours he’d seen me soaked in salt and sand, throwing up and then like this…

      I turned away from the image, stripped off and got in the shower.

      The water was warm and it teemed down over my head, washing all my pain away for a few moments.

      Truth hurt.

      What Jason had told Rachel was true.

      I’d never had any pleasure from sex. We’d just done it. Or rather I’d let Jason do it. Boys wanted to do that stuff. It had always just felt uncomfortable to me. Lying there and trying to feel things that I really didn’t. I’d thought it was like that for everyone––until I’d seen him with Rachel.

      The guy who was supposed to be mine… my support… my defender… my hero… Had humiliated me and told his new girl I was bad in bed.

      But since I’d talked to the counselor I’d realized I’d been piling all my anger on Jason, when most of it was nothing to do with him. It was only fate and I’d pushed him away, probably, because I’d been too busy fighting all the insecurity and pain I was at war with. I knew that––when I was honest with myself.

      I’d been relying on him for everything, and not let him rely on me.

      I toppled back against the tiles. Tears came again and anger gripped at me. I’d spent so many months wrapped up in anger. I wanted to smash the room up; smash the world up. Because the world was cruel.

      I switched the shower off and wrapped myself in the towels. Then went back into the bedroom and threw myself down on the bed.

      Billy’s cell stared at me.

      I ignored it for ages. But it started shouting at me to just pick it up.

      I did.

      When I tapped the screen, it opened on the website he’d looked up.

      Trying not to think, or judge, or fear this, I scrolled through what it said.

      The demonstrations made my skin crawl; that was why teenage boys looked this shit up. Heat burned in my skin as I watched, trying not to overthink.

      Oh my God.

       Chapter Four

       Billy

      Lindy’s eyes sparkled in the white light when she walked into the gym.

      I pressed the weights back up, the bite gripping in my arms and chest. I’d taken my tee off because I’d got hot. I’d turned the air con up too.

      Her eyes dropped to my tattoo. She’d never seen my leopard.

      “I didn’t know you had that.”

      I set the bar back onto the brackets, then slid out from underneath it and sat up, breathing hard. I picked up my tee and wiped the sweat off my brow, then my chest. Lindy’s gaze followed the movement of the cloth.

      “I had it done here, last summer, when we left college.”

      “It’s beautiful. I like it.”

      My lips twisted in a bitter smile. I’d had the thing done out of anger. It was a little like self-harm. The leopard looked like it climbed one side of my chest, scratching my СКАЧАТЬ