Born Weird. Andrew Kaufman

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      “Fine,” Angie yelled. She wedged off her left shoe with her right foot. It flew into the air and landed upside down on the left rug. She did the same with the other shoe, which landed on the right rug. Lucy collected both shoes. She set them inside the hall closet, next to her own. Then she reached out her hand and helped Angie to her feet.

      “The hard part is getting them back on.”

      “Well, maybe I can help you with that,” Lucy said.

      The two sisters walked into the living room. Lucy sat in the left armchair. Angie lowered herself into the other one. She watched her sister, knowing that Lucy would be trying to predict what she was about to say. Angie waited some moments. She waited a few more. Then she just came out with it.

      “I went to see the Shark!” Angie said. This was the name the Weird siblings routinely used when referring to their grandmother.

      “Good God why?”

      “Didn’t expect that, did you?”

      “No. I did not.”

      “She says that she’s on her deathbed.”

      “Again?”

      “I know, I know.”

      “Is she still on Blake Street?”

      “No. She’s in the hospital. Vancouver and District. Room 4-206.”

      “Do tell.”

      “Don’t get excited. She doesn’t seem sick at all. She does however claim that she will die on her birthday.”

      “Very dramatic.”

      “She was pretty convincing, Lucy.”

      “You’re the only one who still falls for the bleeding nose thing.”

      “She also claims—”

      “It’s not as if we all couldn’t do it. So handy for getting out of phys. ed., remember?”

      “She also claims that she gave us all special powers when we were born.”

      “Beautiful.”

      “At the time she thought they were blessings. But now she realizes that they were curses.”

      “Blursings!”

      “Let me finish—”

      “What did you get?”

      “Listen to me!”

      “What does she claim to have given you?”

      “I can always forgive.”

      “And me?”

      “You’re never lost.”

      “She always liked you better.”

      “Luce! Listen! I believe her!”

      “Oh you do not.”

      “I’m starting to,” Angie said. She looked up at her sister. She wished everything didn’t always have to be so hard. “Ask yourself. Have you ever been lost?”

      “I have a natural sense of direction.”

      “Exactly. And I’ve let almost everybody I’ve ever met walk all over me.”

      “That’s not just low self-esteem?”

      “She’s charged me with collecting all of us and bringing everyone to her hospital room so that at the moment of her death she can lift the curses.”

      “She gave you—a quest?”

      “Don’t mock me.”

      “Don’t be mockable.”

      “Thirteen days …”

      “You’re really taking this seriously?”

      “It seemed like a lot of time but now it doesn’t.”

      “Does anyone know where Kent is?”

      “That seems like enough time? Right?” Angie asked. She looked at her sister and saw a mixture of pity and skepticism. “You think I’ve gone crazy.”

      “No. No. It’s just big. That’s all. A lot to take in.”

      “There were ladies falling unconscious and nurses rushing in and then the lights dimmed. She grabbed my arm and she wrote her phone number on it and I still can’t wash it off. Our plane was on fire! We had to make an emergency landing. We were all going to die! And then I called the number! I agreed to do it! Then the plane landed safely!”

      “Do you want some tea? I have the kettle on.”

      “Are you hearing this?”

      “Do you really believe that the plane would have crashed if you hadn’t called the Shark?”

      “I think … yes, I do.”

      “Angie, that’s called magical thinking. You’ve always been prone to it. The whole family has. It’s okay, but it’s a certifiable mental illness. It’s in all the textbooks.”

      “You think it’s just a coincidence that we were forced to land in Winnipeg?”

      “I think it even has its own drug now,” Lucy said.

      Neither sister said anything more. Angie swallowed several times. She bit the inside of her cheek. She tried to take deep breaths. But none of it worked. The tears came. Angie started to sob.

      “I’m not going to do it just because you’re crying.”

      “I’m s … s … sorry. I’m not trying t … oo. I’m trying rea … lly hard n … ot to,” Angie said. She wiped her nose with her sleeve. Slightly revolted, Lucy retrieved a box of Kleenex, which she handed to her sister. Angie blew her nose but her chest still heaved.

      “I lost my job today,” Lucy said. “I got caught fucking a stranger in front of the 813s.”

      “No w … ay!”

      “I did.”

      “Just like … when you … worked at F … f … rosty Queen?”

      “Yes.”

      “And … at … I … deal Coffee … and Cinnamon … To … Go?”

      “No need to make a list.”

      “But don’t you … th … ink … that’s too … coinci … dental? You getting fired … today?”

      “It СКАЧАТЬ