A Gaijin's Guide to Japan: An alternative look at Japanese life, history and culture. Ben Stevens

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      EARTHQUAKES

      Over 1 000 a year in Japan, although it’s unlikely that you’ll even feel the majority of these. Start to worry when an earthquake measured on Japan’s shindo scale starts to be less of a one and more like a five, six or seven. In Tokyo’s Great Kanto Earthquake in 1923, over 100 000 people lost their lives; and some seventy-two years later, an earthquake killed more than 6 000 people in Kobe.

      So why is Japan so prone to earthquakes? Well, the fact that it’s got around one-tenth of the world’s total number of volcanoes, along with its many onsen or hot springs, points to some pretty severe disturbances going on within its core. And indeed Japan is situated right above the point where several of the Earth’s tectonic plates meet.

      All of which explains why there are frequent televised reports detailing the evermore ingenious ways in which construction engineers are building earthquake-resistant homes and businesses.

      It also provides a reason for why, on the anniversary of the Great Kanto Earthquake each year, Japan’s self-defence force and paramedics practise an emergency drill in anticipation of Japan’s long-overdue—given that earthquakes in Tokyo should technically occur about once every seventy years—‘big one’.

      EATING

      A bewildering array of kata is attached to the above activity, which is only partially understood/practised by many Japanese themselves. However, the following basic points may assist a gaijin to endear him/herself to their dining companion(s).

      In conclusion—chopsticks and difficult lingo aside—the experience really isn’t that daunting. Following the above few points, however, will ensure that you help create the necessary wa at the dining table.

      Incidentally, it’s not considered polite to eat whilst ‘on the move’—i.e. walking along a street—or, generally speaking, on public transport.

      EEYORE

      Listen to the Japanese talking amongst themselves—especially those who are below the age of thirty—and you may well come to the conclusion that they possess some sort of bizarre fetish for the donkey from Winnie-the-Pooh. However, what can be pronounced exactly like the donkey’s name is in fact ii-yo, or ‘that’s fine’. Just to let you know, as I am not the only gaijin who’s initially been baffled upon overhearing this.

      ELECTRIC TOILETS

      Commonly encountered all over Japan. Pressing one button, should you so desire, warms your seat. Pressing another causes jets of water to gently cleanse those intimate nooks and crannies. If you’re embarrassed about ‘noises’, the electric toilet upon which you are perched may emit the sound of running water, or birdsong, while you perform your business. A ‘medical’ toilet is apparently being developed, which will analyse a user’s waste for any sign of diseases such as diabetes or bowel cancer. Talking toilets have even been mentioned, though quite what their topics of conversation will be is anyone’s guess (‘Hi there—how you doing today? Oh boy, do you seem desperate! That’s it, get nice and comfy. Though you might want to check out the toilet-roll situation before you get started—the last person before you used quite a lot of paper. It’s okay? Right then—chocks away, eh?’).

      It’s not all fun and games, however. Recently, on three separate incidents, electric toilets made by the firm Toto burst into flames. Fortunately, none of these toilets were occupied at the time of their spontaneous combustion (caused by a faulty bidet function), although, declared a Toto spokeswoman helpfully, the ‘…fire would have been just under your buttocks’.

      No s@*%, Sherlock!

      ENGLISH, JAPANESE

      Okay, the meaning of what’s written in the window of my local panya (bakery)—We sell you plenty tasted bread and cake for you enjoy! ‘—is basically obvious. Similarly, the sign by the entrance to the strangely named ‘Bar Granddad’—‘Don’t worry if come here alone. We serve you plenty cosy time and intoxication’.

      Sounds like my kinda place!

      But then you encounter ‘sentences’ plastered across T-shirts worn by hip young men and women, consisting of words apparently thrown together at random. The following are just a few of the bizarre ‘messages’ I’ve hurriedly scribbled down, glimpsed on the fronts and backs of unsuspecting people in shopping centres and in the street, recorded here for posterity: Cookie nuts crazy chick with empower jealousy, yeah!, and Sometime live just learned hard on the road too much, and Never saying back—world in space this time.

      And it’s everywhere: on clothes, in shops, on food packaging, posters—absolutely everywhere. English is cool in Japan, regardless of whether or not it makes any sense.

      As a result, approximately every two minutes an English-speaking gaijin arrives at Narita airport, sees this corruption of their native language all around, and thinks something along the lines of, ‘I can clean up here! All I have to do is offer my services to this shop or that manufacturer, to put their slogans into “good” English, and I’m bound to get paid a packet!’

      Sadly, it never works out that way. Because Japanese English is Japanese English—it makes the product it’s advertising seem ‘cool’ to the consumer, while also giving a reassurance that it is, at heart, Japanese. Perfect English would just make a product seem foreign, and therefore to be treated with caution. СКАЧАТЬ