Standard Deviation: ‘The best feel-good novel around’ Daily Mail. Katherine Heiny

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      “How about tomorrow?”

      She gave him the address and he wrote it down and they agreed on three o’clock and it was just like a normal phone call really. Almost.

      Elspeth was waiting in the lobby of the estate lawyer’s building when Graham arrived. Her ash-blond hair was pulled back neatly, and she wore a tightly belted pale pink trench coat over a matching pink turtleneck and white wool pants. She was still Elspeth, still absolutely immaculate.

      “Hello, Graham,” she said. “I’m sorry to put you to so much trouble.”

      “It’s no problem.”

      They took the elevator up to the lawyer’s office and signed together for the bequest, which turned out to be a small marble statue of a cat. Graham recognized it instantly—it had arched its marble back on a shelf directly over Aunt Mary’s head at the dining table during a dozen Sunday lunches.

      “Oh, right, that cat,” Elspeth said flatly.

      The lawyer explained that they could have the statue evaluated and then one of them could buy the other one’s half, or they could sell the statue and split the proceeds.

      “I know,” Elspeth said. “I’m an attorney.”

      The lawyer’s secretary boxed up the marble cat, and Graham and Elspeth took it with them, along with a sheaf of papers for each of them, the top one of which had a photograph of the statue paper-clipped to it.

      “You can have the cat,” Graham said as soon as they were on the street. “I only came because the lawyer needed my signature.”

      “I don’t want it,” Elspeth said. “I think we should sell it.”

      “Okay,” Graham said. “But you sell it and keep the money.”

      “Oh, I wouldn’t feel right about that,” Elspeth said, and Graham knew enough to realize that it wasn’t that she felt she owed him anything, it was that her lawyer’s mind had leapt ahead to the potential problems that might arise from such a casual arrangement.

      They went into Starbucks to talk about it, and finally agreed that Elspeth would take the statue to Sotheby’s to have it valued and put up for auction.

      “I feel like we’re on Antiques Roadshow,” Graham said.

      “I can’t stand that program,” Elspeth said. “It’s so depressing how they always choose people whose whole quality of life hangs in the balance of the value of some knickknack.”

      They had finished their coffee and began moving toward the door.

      “I guess you should know,” Elspeth said, pulling the belt on her coat tight. “I’m living with someone.”

      Actually, there was no reason he should know that. He and Elspeth had no children. In lots of really important ways, it was like they’d never been married at all.

      “That’s great,” he said. “Who is it?”

      “Oh, you don’t know him,” Elspeth said. “His name is Bentrup Foster.”

      What is the very best thing about him? Audra would have asked. Where did you meet him? What did you think when you first saw him? Is he the type of person who thinks a bowl of cereal counts as dinner? How many times does he hit the snooze button in the morning? Would he ever do a shot of tequila to get drunk quicker? Does he watch game shows? Does he give good back rubs?

      But Graham did not want to start channeling his second wife in the presence of his first wife, so he only said, “What does he do?”

      “He works in the shoe department at Barneys,” Elspeth said.

      “I’m glad for you,” Graham said. “That you have someone.”

      “Yes.” Elspeth looked thoughtful. “With is better than without.”

      He wondered if she would ever—ever—say anything that didn’t make him feel automatically guilty. He doubted it.

      When Graham got back to their apartment that night, Audra was helping Matthew with his homework at the dining room table.

      “What the heck is bus station division?” she asked Matthew, wrinkling her forehead as she read the worksheet. “Can we Google it?”

      “Hi, Daddy,” Matthew said.

      “Oh, hey,” Audra said. “How was it? What did Aunt Mary leave you?”

      Graham dropped the sheaf of papers on the table, and Audra glanced at the photograph of the statue. “A marble kitty cat,” she said, clearly not impressed. (Honestly, Graham was starting to feel offended on the cat’s behalf.) “Did you see Elspeth?”

      “Uh-huh.”

      “Who’s Elspeth?” Matthew asked.

      “Daddy’s first wife,” Audra said.

      “I didn’t know you had another wife,” Matthew said. He looked at Audra. “Did you have other husbands?”

      “Only other people’s,” she said cheerfully. (She claimed she couldn’t censor herself around Matthew or she’d go crazy.) “Now finish up your homework. It’s only seven problems. Just do them the regular way, I guess.”

      She followed Graham into the kitchen. “How was it, seeing her?”

      “It was okay, actually.”

      “Did you have the sense she wanted to murder you?” She said this in a normal sort of voice; they might have been discussing whether they had any lemons.

      “No, of course not,” Graham said.

      “You used to say that,” Audra said. “You used to hang up the phone with her sometimes and say that you could tell she was hoping you’d drop dead.”

      Had he said that? It was hard to remember. “Well, that’s different from wanting to murder me,” Graham said. “She was actually perfectly friendly. She’s living with someone.”

      “Perfect!” Audra exclaimed. “We can go on a double date!”

      “I don’t know about that,” Graham said. “That might be pushing it.”

      “Oh, please,” Audra said. “It would be the most natural thing in the world.”

      Well. Graham was not so sure it would be, not sure at all. “You seem to be forgetting,” he said, “that you were the cause of my divorce in the first place.”

      “Oh, but that’s ancient history,” Audra said. “That was all twenty years ago.”

      “Thirteen,” he corrected. She had a tendency to round up. It was almost a way of life.

      “Well, whatever,” she said. “Surely she’s over it by now. She’s living with this other man. Aren’t СКАЧАТЬ