Mistletoe and Mayhem: A cosy, chaotic Christmas read!. Catherine Ferguson

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      There’s an odd feeling in the pit of my stomach.

      There’ll be a perfectly reasonable explanation for the meeting, I’m certain of it.

      I’m aware of Molly at customer services giving me the odd worried look. And after a few minutes, I decide I can’t sit there any longer. I’ve got to be doing something.

      I wander over towards the exit and stop by the magazine stand to try Nathan’s mobile again. I know Crystal will be with him but surely when he sees my name come up, he’ll answer it.

      But his phone goes instantly to messages.

      I swallow and immediately redial. I hate myself for acting all stalker-like but I’ve got to speak to him.

      The third time I phone, he finally picks up.

      ‘Hi!’ I practically shout with relief, and a tall, well-built man browsing at the newspaper stand looks across.

      Half-turning, I lower my voice. ‘Um – hi, Nathan. Listen, I know you haven’t got time to talk right now but well, I’ve had some bad news.’

      There’s a brief, crackly silence. I never get a good signal when I phone Nathan at work.

      ‘What is it?’ he asks, sounding a million miles away.

      I’m beginning to wish I hadn’t phoned. I’m going to have to shout to be heard and the man at the newspaper stand will hear every word.

      Nathan says something else but his words are swallowed up by the Bad Signal Monster.

      ‘We can talk later,’ I yell as quietly as I can.

      ‘Sorry?’ Crackle-crackle.

      ‘Nathan, the phone’s not working properly. You’re breaking up on me.’

      There’s a great rushing sound, like wind, in my ear.

      Then Nathan’s voice reaches me so loudly and clearly, I nearly drop the phone.

      ‘I know, Lola,’ he says, his voice weirdly amplified. ‘It hasn’t been working for some time, has it?’

      He sounds like he’s talking through one of those old-fashioned megaphones.

      Right above my head. Must be the acoustics in here.

      ‘I completely agree,’ he’s saying. ‘Breaking up is absolutely the right thing to do.’

      My heart stalls.

      What?

      Breaking up?

      But I was talking about the phone signal.

       Not us!

      ‘No,’ I shout into the phone. ‘I didn’t mean I didn’t want to see you again, Nathan. You misunderstood me.’

      ‘Ah, that’s great, Lola,’ he says, in his God-like boom. ‘Because I really want to stay friends.’

      ‘Friends?’ I gasp in a panic.

       No, no, no!

      ‘We may not be totally compatible,’ God/Nathan announces majestically. ‘But I hope we will always be friends.’

      ‘Nathan,’ I whisper/shout, desperate to prove we do have things in common. ‘Listen to me. I’ve decided to do the Great Brig Run.’

      I catch the eye of Mr Newspaper Lurker. His mouth is curved in the hint of a smile and I turn away, irritated.

      I can’t stand big, muscle-bound men who spend every waking hour honing themselves to perfection. You can tell by the way he fills out that green waterproof jacket and the way his thighs are straining against the denim of his jeans that he’ll be the type who likes to ‘max it up’ and ‘beast it out’ in the gym.

      I try a glare but he smiles back.

       I just wish he’d get back to his bloody weights and stop ear-wigging on my private conversation!

      There’s a crackly pause and I’m sure I hear the sound of female laughter. Through my weirdly amplified phone, it sounds like a witch’s cackle.

      ‘Great Brig Run,’ I prompt Nathan. ‘I’m doing the Great Brig Run.’

      ‘Great Big Bum?’ booms God. ‘No, of course you haven’t got a Great Big Bum, Lola. I mean, yes, it’s fairly sizeable, but that’s absolutely not the reason I don’t want to see you any more.’

      The Hulk is pointing skywards with a doubled-over Financial Times.

      Urgently.

      It’s as if he’s heard every word of the conversation.

      A bolt of horror zips through my entire body.

      Oh my God, he really has heard every word.

       It’s that bloody faulty Tannoy system!

      That’s why Nathan sounds like an omnipotent being from on high. He’s accidentally talking into the frigging Tannoy!

      ‘Nathan, fuck off and stop talking right now!’ I hiss into the phone, cheeks blazing beneath the gaze of fifty or so shoppers who’ve apparently also heard every humiliating word.

       They’d innocently popped in for a loaf of bread – and found themselves treated to a supermarket special they would never forget!

      Nathan talks on, clearly oblivious. ‘The sex was great,’ he’s saying. ‘Although I did hate having to say “no” to you all the time before a big event.’

      ‘Shut up, Nathan! You’re on the fucking Tannoy, you fucking idiot!’

      The Hulk covers his mouth and coughs, like something’s gone down the wrong way.

      I need to get out of here. And fast!

      I blunder forward, aiming for the speediest exit from a supermarket since supermarkets were invented.

      But The Hulk is blocking the way.

      When I try to move round him, he steps helpfully the same way in his massive lumberjack boots.

      And when I step sideways, so does he.

      Oh my God.

      Now I’m actually waltzing with the bloody man.

      ‘Whoah! Are you okay?’ His huge paw descends on my shoulder.

      I shrug it off and fix him with a glare, my cheeks blazing hotter than Lanzarote in July.

      ‘I’ve just been made redundant. I’ll СКАЧАТЬ