Morrissey’s Perfect Pint. Richard Fox

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      Beer tasting words

      If you’re really serious you can write down your reactions. Here’s a list of things ‘professional’ beer tasters (bugger of a job) write down when they taste a brew.

      Appearance Things to note are colour, how long the head lasts for, presence or absence of ‘floaties’ …

      Smell Someone who knows about this stuff said that your perception of it is dulled after about four sniffs – so make the most of each one. It can be broken down into three entirely separate parts: aroma, bouquet and odour.

      Aroma comes from the malt, grain, and anything produced by the fermentation. Aromas that come from the malt and grain are often described as nutty, sweet, grainy and malty. The fresh, earthy quality of malted barley combined with the bitter, apparently antiseptic aroma of hops gives the beer its aroma. Is there a strong hop or a faint hop smell? Is there a malt character? Is it full or light?

      Bouquet comes entirely from the hops. Stick your nose in the glass straight after pouring to discover the bouquet as it evaporates quickly. Different hop varieties contribute different qualities to the bouquet, and some may not be appropriate for some styles. Terms used to describe the hop aroma include herbal, pine, floral, resin and spice.

      Odour is only remarked on (in beer-tasting circles, don’t you know) if there’s something wrong. It’s the equivalent of the ‘floaty’ when you look at the beer, or a fart in a lift. Skunkiness is apparently a favourite word here. Other words are butter, sulphury, cooked vegetable, fishy, oily and chlorine.

      Taste This is the moment we’re all here for. There are three stages to taste – front, middle and finish. This has nothing to do with where you taste different things on your tongue but the taste as you drink – from sip to swallow. One good tip is only to swallow as much as will cover your tongue – that way all parts (and taste categories – sweet, sour, salty, bitter and umami – (the Japanese word for savoury) are noticeable.

      Other questions the pros ask include: Is the hop taste and the malt taste in the right mixture? Is the body full or thin? What happens after you’ve swallowed – does the taste stick around for a while? This is called the length … a good beer, like so many things, will have length …

      Twelve other uses for beer

      When the lady of the house says she can’t get her salad in the fridge because of all the beers, use this guide to convince her that a Beer’s Not Just For Drinking – It’s For Life. Of course it’s mostly bollocks, but then again …

       1. Beer bath

      Sounds too good to be true? The latest craze in some European spas is sitting in a tub of beer for half an hour. Beer contains a vitamin B complex that is great for the skin, apparently. And the hops in beer relax the body.

       2. Washing hair

      Are you having trouble with your runaway barnet? Washing your hair with beer will make it softer and give it more body. Every bloke’s dream when you think about it. ‘What’s that smell?’ ‘Oh, I’ve been washing my hair.’ Even works for slapheads, but remember to keep your mouth open.

       3. Fire extinguisher

      OK – not a REAL one. And definitely not electrical fires – shocking. But give it a shake and it will put out small fires. Like from the grill. ‘Which is why we should keep some in the fridge at all times, darling.’

       4. Lawn care

      Get rid of those brown spots – spray them with beer! The fermented sugars in ale kill fungi. So when you spill a can while sitting in the garden you’re ‘conditioning the lawn’.

       5. Loosen rusty bolts

      ‘Why are you out here in the garage drinking again?’ ‘Drinking? I’m applying beer to these bike parts, because the carbonation will get rid of the rust. When that’s done I’ll cycle to the offie for more of this wonder cure!’

       6. Stop snoring

      Simply put a can in a sock and attach it to the back of a T-shirt with a safety pin. Put on before staggering to bed. The can will stop you sleeping on your back, which will reduce your nocturnal emissions. Well some of them. And use a can, not a bottle. No, I’m not nagging you. Well, if you’d only listen.

       7. Mouse killer

      It’s best to use ‘Value Lager’ for this. Fill a bucket about a third of the way up and lean a piece of wood against the side, so the mice can climb to the top, sniff the beer and jump in. Still a spectator sport in some parts of Eastern Europe, we’re told.

       8. Getting rid of a kidney stone

      Nasty little buggers, kidney stones. Still, if you’ve got one, beer can open up the tubes connecting the kidneys and bladder, making it easier to pass. Cranberry juice works well too, but have you tasted it? Also alcohol numbs the pain. Doesn’t it just?

       9. Calming a (mild) stomach-ache

      This is great. The carbonated beer will help settle your stomach and the alcohol content reduces any pain. Beer – the cure to all our problems!

       10. Scale fish

      Attach four bottle tops to a piece of wood so the lips are facing out. Scrape the fish, but away from you if you don’t want to end up looking like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly.

       11. Marinate meat

      Next time your Better Half is soaking some meat in dry white wine, soak yours in some gutsy beer. They both tenderise the meat, but we know which one will taste better.

       12. Polishing furniture

      Rub your wooden furniture with a cloth soaked in flat beer. It will polish it and make it look like new. Another good one if caught armed with ale in the garden at ‘Beer Zero’ time (Drinktionary, page 72).

       Beer and your body

      Let’s face it, the primary purpose of beer is to induce pleasures of many kinds. But let’s not forget that these pleasures bring perils to the poor human body. Everything has a cost (even if you’re only 20 and haven’t found that out yet – look at your dad). Remember, moderation in all things is wise and, if you can’t quite manage it, СКАЧАТЬ