e: A Novel. Matt Beaumont

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СКАЧАТЬ heard, poor cow!! Doesn’t that shit know this is a bad time for her – did you see how much she put on over Christmas? And, apart from her weight, she was a fucking brilliant PA. Anyway, no chance of me coming to lunch. I’ve still got the hangover from hell – glad these bloody millennium thingys only come once every ten years. And I’ve got to start Desperate Dan’s Coke presentation. God, you should see this document. Bloody sodding pie charts everywhere!!!!!!!! Who reads this bollocks? Looks like I’ll be in all night – bang goes step. If you get hold of Fi, e me back with details!!!! I feel so sorry for her!! Cxxx

      Liam O’Keefe – 3/1/00, 12.42pm

      to… Brett Topowlski

      cc…

      re… tossers

      Is the Coke brief the biggest wank-off yet, or what? Do Crutton and Westbrooke really think we can write decent ads on a strategy like that? ‘Coke: lifeblood’ – what the fuck does it mean? And what’s a ‘carbonated lifestyle delivery system’ when it’s at home? Even Pinki says it stinks. Major worry – I rely on her magic touch with shit briefs. See you in BZ in fifteen and we’ll talk tits: i.e. how the fuck I can get Joanne Guest’s award winning baps into a Kimbelle Super Dri ad without Pinki having me up for Grievous Political Incorrectness.

      Simon Horne – 3/1/00, 12.45pm

      to… Creative Department

      cc… David Crutton; Daniel Westbrooke

      re… arses in gear 2

      I am sure you will join me in thanking David and Daniel for a staggeringly inspirational briefing.

      ‘Coke: lifeblood’ is a truly incisive strategy – one that gives you the chance to do some really famous work.

      No doubt your creative juices will be flowing like the Ganges in flood.

      I would like to see first thoughts early next week.

      Let us get out there and grab the advertising Rottweiler by its hairy testes.

      Si

      Brett Topowlski – 3/1/00, 12.49pm

      to… Liam O’Keefe

      cc…

      re… tossers

      BZ at 1.00. By the way, you got any idea what creative juices look like? Vin just blew his nose and I think his are now in a Kleenex.

      David Crutton – 3/1/00, 12.59pm

      to… Chandra Kapoor

      cc…

      re… e-mail

      When the Microsoft ads ask me, ‘Where do you want to go today?’, I do not reply with ‘Finland’ – after Latvia, the dullest country in Europe.

      As Head of IT, surely you can answer this simple question. Why is it that every time I send a bloody internal e-mail it ends up in Helsinki? One member of staff has already lost her job today because of this. Sort it out now.

      NB: do not blame this on the Millennium Bug. This is the sorriest excuse since ‘the dog ate my homework’.

      Zoë Clarke – 3/1/00, 2.10pm

      to… Carla Browne

      cc…

      re… the dirt!!!

      Boy, oh boy!!!! Finally got Fi on her mobile and we went for a quick one at Bar Zero. Just got back!! Un-fucking-believable!!!!! She’s in such a state, poor thing!!!!! Gotta go. Stupid Pinki’s yelling at me to book her shiatsu and that bitch, Susi, won’t lift a finger!! Who the fuck does she think she is, stuck up cow?!!!! Zxxx

      Carla Browne – 3/1/00, 3.00pm

      to… Zoe Clarke

      cc…

      re… the dirt!!!

      God, poor Fi!!!! But what about me?!!!! Don’t tell a soul, but Rachel whatsit called me down and says the bloody Crettin wants me to work for him!!!! No one lasts five minutes with him (Fi broke the record at four months!) and ’cos I’ve been here the longest, they think I stand a chance of sticking it out. Bloody hell! !!! What do I do now!!!!? Desperate Dan will have a fit if he loses me, but Rachel did a good sell on it. It’s 5k more!!!!! Cxxx

      Zoë Clarke – 3/1/00, 3.03pm

      to… Carla Browne

      cc…

      re… the dirt!!!

      Can’t believe it! Fi was on 5k more than us? That bitch. She was shit anyway and she’s got a right mouth on her. She deserved everything she got!!! Do you know she told me about you and Brett T. at the Christmas party? Wasn’t going to say, but you deserve some honesty! Anyway, do you really want to work for the Crettin? Money isn’t everything!!!!!!!!! Zxxx

      Carla Browne – 3/1/00, 3.07pm

      to… Rachel Stevenson

      cc…

      re… our meeting

      Rachel, thanks everso for the offer. I’m thrilled that Mr Crutton suggested me for the job. Obviously it involves a huge amount of responsibility, with plenty of room for personal growth, so it’s not a hard decision to make. I’d love to accept – Carla

      [email protected]

      3/1/00, 3.15pm (10.15am local)

      to… [email protected]

      cc…

      re… NEW MILLENNIUM – NEW HEIGHTS

      I write to endorse wholeheartedly the sentiments contained in David Crutton’s stirring all-staff note earlier in your day.

      The Executive Board in New York are unanimous in their delight at the efforts you put in last year to push the peanut forward and keep us on our toes in the Big Apple.

      Under David’s outstanding leadership, Miller Shanks London is well on the way to reclaiming its rightful place as lead office in our European network. I look forward to seeing the evidence with my own eyes when I visit to lend my support to the Coca-Cola pitch.

      Winning that one really would be a feather in our caps. Keep up the tremendous work!

      Jim СКАЧАТЬ