Making Happy People: The nature of happiness and its origins in childhood. Paul Martin

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СКАЧАТЬ quite closely correlated. By and large, people who have high self-esteem are also likely to be satisfied with their lives.

      The strength of the association between self-esteem and overall happiness varies according to the kind of society in which people grow up and live. In highly individualistic societies like the USA and UK, self-esteem has a fairly strong influence on overall happiness. However, the association is found to be weaker in more collectivist societies such as Japan, China, India, Bangladesh and Korea, where there is less emphasis on the self and more on harmonising with the group. For example, a study which compared students in the USA and Hong Kong found that maintaining harmony in personal relationship had a bigger influence on the happiness of the Asian students, whereas self-esteem loomed larger in the lives of their American counterparts.

      High self-esteem can be a mixed blessing if it is built on self-delusion or vanity, as is sometimes the case. Moreover, trying to boost children’s self-esteem by praising them indiscriminately is not a quick way of making them happier or improving their academic performance, as some enthusiasts have claimed. Self-esteem is not all it is cracked up to be. We will return to its complexities and pitfalls in chapter 7.

       10. Optimism

      A common (though not universal) characteristic of happy people is optimism – that is, a general tendency to expect that life will go well and future events will have favourable outcomes. Like self-esteem, optimism has become a voguish and somewhat overused concept in the self-help literature, where it is presented by some pundits as a form of panacea. Nonetheless, numerous scientific studies have found that optimists tend to be significantly happier, healthier, better able to cope with stress, longer-lived and more successful than pessimists, other things being equal.

      You can have too much of a good thing, however. A mindlessly optimistic Pollyanna attitude that flies in the face of reality will create unrealistic expectations. (I have sympathy with the cynic who remarked that a permanently cheerful, optimistic attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.) A certain amount of ‘defensive pessimism’ can be a good thing if it helps to avoid unnecessary disappointment. We will return to this topic in chapter 7.

       11. Outward focus

      By and large, happy people do not spend most of their time thinking about themselves and dwelling on their own feelings. Rather, their attention tends to be focused outwards on the world around them. In contrast, a tendency towards brooding introspection and a belief in looking out for number one are common characteristics of unhappy people. The philosopher Bertrand Russell wrote of how he started life as an unhappy child but became happier as he grew older, thanks mainly to a dwindling preoccupation with his own self. Russell argued that a person cannot be happy if they suffer from what he called the disease of self-absorption. ‘The man who can centre his thoughts and hopes upon something transcending self,’ he wrote, ‘can find a certain peace in the ordinary troubles of life which is impossible to the pure egoist.’

      Self-absorption undermines happiness in many ways. Someone who dwells on their own feelings is unlikely to be brilliant at developing and maintaining close personal relationships. They run the risk of giving little affection and receiving little in return. Self-absorbed people can behave kindly towards others when the need is obvious, but the person to whom kindness comes naturally is more likely to sustain it. The self-absorbed and inwardly-focused can also fall prey to the crippling belief that they alone are responsible for all the bad things that happen to them. Someone who believes, for example, that they are lonely because of fundamental flaws in their personality or appearance may conclude that trying to form new relationships is a waste of time. Their inward focus thereby reinforces their isolation and adds to their unhappiness.

      Happiness requires a certain transcendence of the self. Many people unconsciously try to achieve this by distracting themselves with TV, alcohol or recreational drugs, but usually with only limited and temporary success. These tactics might provide some distraction for a few hours, but little more. A better way to achieve outward focus is by regularly engaging with absorbing activities.

      The findings from research generally confirm that outward focus is associated with happiness and mental health, including lower rates of depression. Among other things, individuals who are concerned about other people, and not just themselves, are less affected by stress. Outward focus remains important for happiness in old age as well. Studies have found that elderly people whose personal goals and aspirations revolve around an interest in the well-being of others are usually happier than those who are concerned mostly with looking after themselves.

      As with many other basic ingredients of happiness, the connection between outward focus and happiness works in both directions. Being outwardly focused contributes to happiness, and being happy makes us more outwardly focused, creating a virtuous circle. The more you avoid thinking about yourself all the time, the happier you become; and the happier you become, the easier it is to avoid thinking about yourself.

      The idea that outward focus promotes happiness is, of course, central to many religions and ancient schools of thought, and may contribute to their success. However, outward focus does not fit comfortably with the prevailing attitudes of our current consumerist society. The ‘me’ culture that predominates in the USA and UK revolves around the self, attaching prime importance to individual choice, personal fulfilment and self-esteem. This mindset does little to encourage the thought that we would all be happier if only we were less self-obsessed. Parts of the self-help industry have added fuel to this fire. Most self-help books are, as their name suggests, all about the self, and the worst examples encourage their disgruntled readers to scrutinise their own navels even more closely.

       12. Present- and future-mindedness

      We are better equipped to be happy if we can enjoy the present, prepare for the future and avoid dwelling on the past. Happy people are usually able to think ahead, but they do not spend their lives waiting for some imaginary future or endlessly mulling over bad things that happened in the past. They are also capable, at the right times, of losing themselves in the here and now and relishing the present moment.

      Our consumerist culture encourages people to strive after things that they believe, often wrongly, will bring them happiness in the future – notably money, material possessions and social recognition. Meanwhile, they find it hard to enjoy the present because their thoughts are focused on a future state they have not yet attained and perhaps never will. Happy people can prepare for the future without having to live there, and they can savour the moment without sticking their head in the sand.

      Many philosophers, religious thinkers and self-help gurus have stressed the importance of being able to live in the present. A starting point is to become ‘grounded’—that is, gently aware of your current surroundings, rather than fretting about all the things you have to do. Being grounded and focused on the present moment can bring pleasure and calm. It is certainly a useful skill that any busy person would benefit from learning. Various practical techniques have evolved over the centuries for clearing the mind, silencing the cacophony of mental activity and becoming mindful of the present. However, most people notice some improvement if they simply pay attention to their own breathing for a minute or two.

      Being rooted in the present can be pleasant, but it does little to produce satisfaction – one of the three fundamental elements of happiness. Often, the course of action that will ultimately bring the greatest satisfaction, and hence the greatest overall happiness, requires a degree of future-mindedness. Happy people generally have a well-developed capacity to control their immediate urges and take the longer view – an important capability that psychologists refer to as delayed gratification.

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